Page 94 of The Liar's Reckoning

I’m doing a lot of internal work to keep my voice level—keep myself from asking what all of this means for us. I want to know what happens after the baby comesifhe even sees us lasting that long. And will there be more babies? More sex withher? The person who can give him the one thing I can’t.

But that’s not true. She can offer him much more than a womb. She gives him status and legitimacy. She gets him invitations to parties and good committee assignments. She allows him to remain close with his family, and now she’s magnanimously letting him have me, too. I wonder what he’d do if she changed her mind about that. If she forced him to choose.

The thought makes my stomach turn because I’m pretty sure I know the answer.

“Please tell me what you’re thinking,” Graham says, all glittering green eyes and concern.

“I don’t know,” I answer as honestly as I can. He’s become so fucking important to me. So important that there’s a part of me that’s happy for him and Avery. The baby may be the way I lose him, but I know it fulfills a need for him. I don’t think he expects me to be excited about it, hence the question, but I’ll support him if he’ll let me. “What do you want me to be thinking?”

He drops his head and sighs. “Silas…”

I scowl. “Why do you seem depressed? This is what you wanted. It’s not like you kept it a secret.”

“So you’re okay?”

“For the moment,” I tell him. “Are you?”

“I know it’s a stupid thing to say, but I don’t want this to change anything.”

“It’s a little stupid,” I concede, “but my feelings are the same.”

He offers me his hand across the table, and I take it. We lookat each other a long time. Finally, he says, “You’re right. I’m not happy. This is tearing me the fuck up.”

I squeeze his hand. He doesn’t curse often outside of the occasional passionate outburst, and I have to assume that’s what this is, too. I don’t ask him to explain. I already understand. I once thought that ending things with him to stop him from torturing himself was the right thing to do. I’ve also wondered if I’ve been selfish for not doing it. But I don’t want to. At all. I want him more, not less, and that’s the barrel I’m staring down, but he’s good at keeping his focus on me while we’re together, and I’ll take quality over quantity.

“How’d she take the news about us?” I ask.

“I think the word for that would ultimately be disappointment.”

“Was she pissed?”

“Hurt? I don’t think she was angry. But I don’t necessarily expect her to always be cool about it.”

“And what’s the plan if she’s not?”

There’s a lot of dancing around here on my part. I think I need him to sayit’s you. It’s always going to be you.I know he won’t—he can’t—but the closer I can get him to something like that, the better I’ll feel when we leave the apartment.

“I can’t lose you, Silas,” he says.

That was pretty damn close. A strong sense of relief flows through me. “Who says you will?”

“All these questions—what do you want me to say? It got complicated. It’sbeencomplicated. I’ve been as honest as I can be every step of the way.”

“And I appreciate that more than you know. I don’t want to lose you, either.”

“Does this change anything?” he asks.

“Only if you want it to. Or you need it to.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t.”

“I told you I love you, right?”

His gaze locks onto mine.

“I plan to back that up.” I stand, still holding his hand, so he stands with me. We meet at the end of the table and wrap our arms around each other. No hesitation, no awkwardness, just the hug that needs to happen—the closeness our bodies feel designed for. Finding his mouth with mine, I kiss him softly. “Congratulations,” I whisper.

“Silas…”

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