Page 60 of The Liar's Reckoning

“I read a Tweet one time that said to let your heart guide you, so I think a handful. Whatever feels right in my soul.”

I grin, pouring her a fresh glass, which she immediately picks up and sips from.

As I return to the shrimp, she asks in an offhand way, “Have you thought anymore about knocking me up?”

The colander slips from my hands, but I manage to catch the handle before the shrimp go down the drain. “I…have. Yes.”

“And? Want some more trial runs before I take out the implant or do you wanna just go for it?”

Note to self: wine makes Avery blunt.

“Trial runs?”

She must be done with the garlic, because she’s at the sink, squirting a ton of soap into her hands before turning on the tap. “I realize I kind of caught you off guard. You were probably having some gay sex dream when I snuck up on you. But I figure it’s like anything, right? Back when I was working, I imagined a lot of shit when I was with someone I wasn’t particularly into. With practice I got pretty good at enjoying myself no matter what was going on.”

“Right.” She’s mentioned a lot of older men using performance enhancing medication. I can’t even imagine what she’s seen and done.

“Honestly, you know how I can tell my clock is ticking?”

“How?”

“A year ago, I thought I’d had enough sex to last me a lifetime, but I’m so horny lately. My poor vibrator.”

I grimace, wishing I could scrub that unwanted image from my brain.

“Anyway—I’m literally ready whenever you are, and if you need any help…I have tricks.”

It takes another healthy gulp of wine for me to ask. “Tricks like what?”

“I just know things, Graham. Kinky things that most people get turned on by in spite of themselves.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready for that conversation.”

“Okay, then, back to babies. How many should we have? I feel like three. Three seems to be the thing right now.”

“Are you ready for that? Motherhood and sleepless nights? You know I can’t afford a full-time nanny.”

“I’m sturdier than I look,” she says. “Just save up for the new boob job and tummy tuck I’ll need later, and I’ll do the stay at home mom thing until we have more cash.

“I’ll be out of town a lot…”

“Your family’s here. And I know they’ll love our babies to pieces.”

She has a point there. If there’s anything a good Catholic family loves it’smorefamily.

“What if—?” I stop myself, shocked at the question I’d been about to ask.What if it doesn’t change anything?Shocked because it makes me realize that in contemplating sex and kids with Avery, I’ve also been contemplating some sort of conversion. Like the kind of conversion evil parents send their gay kids to shady camps for. Praying the gay away has never worked for me, but can I screw the gay away? Do I want to try?

My stomach turns, all the smells in the kitchen souring inside me all at once. My words to Silas this morning come back to me on another nauseating wave.I can try.

“Sure,” I say. “Get it taken out. No sense putting it off.”

She turns to me, a serious but hopeful look on her face. “Really?”

I nod once.

“And what about practicing in the meantime?”

Give her an inch…

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