Page 45 of The Liar's Reckoning

I can’t shake my thoughts of him. The more I try not to look for him, the more I do. Even now as I contemplate a run, I’m weighing whether or not a slower walk-jog with Graham would do the trick of getting me out of my head, which is the exact opposite of what it would do because he’s the thinginmy head. Unfortunately, Ben is solidly back in there, too.

No. Not solidly. Temporarily. Tentatively. Fleetingly. I should block his number, but I know I won’t. As much as I want to say I hate what happened last night, I remember what it felt like to fall asleep in his arms. It was a deep breath after drowning. I needed it, and I’m pushing Graham away because I know he can’t give that to me.

In short—my options suck, but at least Graham won’t hurt so fucking much.

My ride shows up, and I hop in the back of the black Toyota. After we confirm my destination, I call my mom to check in.

My aunt answers. Her name is Beatrice, but she’s Trixie to me. “Hey, how’s she doing?”

“Sleeping. Are you just getting off work? It’s early,” she says. Her voice sounds exactly like my mom’s used to before her heartstarted to fail her lungs. They’re identical twins who’ve never lived more than a few blocks apart. When mom dies, Trixie will be the only family I’ve got left, and I’ll be damned if she lets herself go the way Mom did.

“No, I did something much dumber last night.”

“My coffee’s hot, and my ears are wide open.”

“I hooked up with Ben.”

“BenBen? I thought he was gone for good in London.”

“He’s back with a lot of apologies I don’t want to hear.”

“Some part of you must…”

“It was just supposed to be drinks.”

“And how many of those did you have?” she mutters around a loud slurp of her coffee.

“Lost count.”

“Baby boy, you know I need more details.”

I tell her as much as I’m willing to about running into him at Chris’s party and end with waking up at his place this morning. “I didn’t have sex with him.”

That’s kind of a lie, but I’m not the type of person that defines sex as anything that makes me come. I define it the old fashioned way, because for me it’s the only version that requires any vulnerability on my part.

“What about kissing?” she asks because I’ve told her too much about myself since mom’s first big hospitalization—the time we thought she was really going to die. I didn’t go into detail about what I do for Katia, but I implied enough for Trixie to get the idea. She’s asked me since how I maintain my distance, and I told her I don’t kiss on the mouth.

She asked if I got the idea fromPretty Womanand if I’d seen how well that worked out for that hooker. Not her exact words, but damn close. The truth was yes—that’s exactly where I got the idea. I watched that movie plenty of times growing up with a single mom, however inappropriate it might have been for an impressionable young boy.

But it wasn’t until my first time entering a stranger’s hotel room that I realized the wisdom in “that hooker’s” policy.

“I don’t remember. Probably not,” I say, trying to convince myself I wasn’t that stupid. It helps that I don’t remember. That practically means it didn’t happen, right? “Anyway—you want to send me a grocery list? I can come out Sunday.”

“We’re still stocked up since last weekend.”

“What about milk, bread, eggs—Coke?”

“I can get those?—”

“I don’t mind. I was planning to come out anyway.”

“And I’m saying it’s okay to take a Sunday off if you want to get yourself squared away. We’re all right. Roz is having a great week.”

My mom—Rosalyn.

“You’re not telling me not to come, are you?” I ask, anxiety churning at the thought of having a day free of any obligation. If that’s the case, I might have to text Katia to make myself available. I can’t sit on my hands all day Sunday. Staying busy is key to my sanity. I can’t remember the last time I let myself have a day without a plan. That’s how terrified I am of it. I’m not sure what I think I’ll do, but I have a feeling whatever’s holding me together will unravel in the space of an unproductive afternoon.

“Oh, come if you want. But I’ll have a lot of questions about last night. I’m just getting started.”

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