Page 184 of The Liar's Reckoning

I’m responsible for the legacy.

No pressure.

“The fact that he didn’t disown you when he found out you were gay should have been your first clue that you’re worth more to him than your name.”

“It was also a big hint that I needed to choose between keeping my name or sleeping with men.”

“Notmen,” she says. “Silas.”

Her use of his name is a gut punch.

“He threatened him,” I say.

“And you bent over. It’s okay, I get it. I know how Dad is. But you know he would have backed off, right? You’ve always been his favorite.”

“I didn’tbend over. I did what I thought would cause the least harm to the fewest amount of people.”

“Meaning you thought breaking Silas’s heart was less awful than putting the Lawthers through a scandal?”

I’m getting increasingly agitated. My pulse is pounding in my skull, and my arms and legs are restless, like they want to swing and kick. “It’s easy to say that a year later after it’s all said and done, and I can look back and say, well—that only lasted a couple of months, we probably would have been okay. But at the time I had a billionaire waving a sex tape over my head and a wife trying to bankrupt me.”

“And a daddy willing to bail you out on one condition.”

“Can you not see my side of this at all?” I ask, wanting to wipe the condescension off her face. I’ve never been a fan of toughlove. I don’t have the constitution for it. My rejection issues tend to flare, and I’ll do practically anything to make myself acceptable again.

That’s when what she’s saying hits me.

I didn’t choose my family or my job over Silas. I was desperate to avoid the rejection I would have faced had I come out to be with him.

I am sofucked.Up.

“I do see your side,” she continues, oblivious to my catastrophic breakthrough. “But what’s the plan? You live like a priest the rest of your life? Or worse, you marry a woman and fake a pretty picture for politics and Daddy’s sake?”

“I don’t know!” I shout, shooting to my feet. “What the hell do you want me to do?”

“It’s not what I want you to do, Graham. What doyouwant?”

“I want people to stop giving a shit what I do.That’swhat I want. I want to stop mattering. I want to fucking disappear.”

“Mom?”

I startle and turn to see Rowan in the hallway. I was yelling. Cursing. I woke her up.

Theresa stands and goes to her daughter, giving her a long hug and a kiss on the head. She whispers something to her, and then Rowan approaches me with wide, concerned eyes, her arms opening.

I bend down to hug her, apologizing.

“I’d be really sad if you disappeared,” she says.

“I know,” I say. “I know. I’m sorry, Row.”

She kisses my cheek and tells me she loves me.

“I love you, too. Good night. I promise to keep it down.”

Theresa walks her back to her room. When she comes back to the living room, I’m sitting again, sliding rapidly down my spiral.

Sensing it, she sits close, putting both her hands on my leg to ground me. I don’t know why it works or how she knows to do it, but she does, and it helps.

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