Page 18 of Broken By It

MARITZA

“H is for Hollis,”I chant sitting with him at the small table I have set up in the office for my little buddy. “I is for ice cream,” we sing together. He knows the alphabet, but this song is something we have done for so long now, I don’t really want to see it stop until he’s ready.

It’s amazing to watch him grow and learn. He’s writing some now, learning how to put the letters we sing to paper. Sight words are hung throughout my office and my home as a way to build early reading skills. I don’t have him much at bedtime so I don’t get to read stories to him like I would like, but I know Dillon does if he’s home and Anna isn’t. I know Anna reads to him some at night, just not consistently. Although, to be frank, she isn’t big on anything being consistent.

While childcare has never been on my radar as far as a career or even a job to get by, I enjoy the time I have with this little man. Hollis is my sidekick. If I am honest with myself, I don’t know if I could have a day without seeing him. In the beginning, it was a thing to help Dillon and Anna. It has evolved as time passes. We have a special bond. I genuinely love him like family. Now, he is a part of my world.

He has puked on me, pooped on me, pulled my hair, cried on my shoulder, and kept me up at night. It’s not all the hard stuff. He has brought me more joy than I ever imagined. My happiness comes in everything he does now. Even though he’s not mine biologically, he is a very special piece of my heart. Watching him grow from this baby needing bottles, diapers, and constant attention, to a toddler walking, talking, jumping, and playing I have loved every second of it. Now we are in this milestone of looking ahead to school and I have tried to become immersive in educating him along the way. My parents did this with us as little ones, everything can be an opportunity to teach if you try. Currently, it’s finding ways to teach him the alphabet. Every season of his growth only amazes me more.

“J is Jacoby,” he chants back.

We are at the little table coloring for the morning. I’m not sure what is going on. Anna called me around five this morning and asked to drop Hollis off at my house. While it’s not uncommon for her to randomly need to leave him with me, this is unexpected because Dillon isn’t on a transport. In fact, he’s home. I know he will happily have his son anytime. Especially today, though, because he’s off from the garage. I’m not sure why she chose to bring him to me unless Dillon wasn’t home.

A twinge of curiosity mixes with dare I admit, jealousy at the thought of him staying out all night. Who was he with? Immediately, I push those thoughts down knowing it’s not my place to think like this.

Dillon has plans with Hollis today. He’s off and told me last night he would have his son today. Her phone call was surprising and not because of the hour of her contact, but because I know Dillon wants to have the day with his son. He likes to make the most of every bit of free time he has with his son. I was up exercising, it’s not like she woke me. I told her to bring him over. At this point, I keep extra clothes, have my own car seat, andeverything. I can’t explain it, but somehow, we have this unique system amongst us, and it works. When Dillon is on a run for the club, I don’t bother Anna anymore. I used to try to narrow down a schedule and prepare to have Hollis or not. As time passed, I expect him and it’s okay. She drops Hollis off when Dillon leaves and he stays with me until Dillon’s return most of the time. Occasionally, Anna does keep him, but more often than not he’s with me. We have this weird dynamic of co-parenting even though he’s not my son.

“K is for kite,” I keep going with our song while my thoughts go around about his mom and if she’s okay today. Early on in this arrangement, she randomly dropped Hollis off. In the beginning, it was a day here or there and it was mostly because she would drop the baby off on Dillon at work. After she, I assume, got comfortable with me having him, the drop offs became more frequent. Now I see him almost on a schedule. I know when Dillon is off without a doubt I won’t have him. That makes this morning’s drop and dash odd. My curiosity is piqued to say the least.

I don’t know how to help Anna outside of taking him. There are people, even my own family, who ask why she struggles to be with him. I can’t answer that. What I can say, I see her love for him. It’s in her eyes. She doesn’t simply leave him anywhere with anyone. In the beginning, she only left him with Dillon, and it was on him to make arrangements. He’s particular about his son and she knows this. Now, if me or my mom aren’t available, Anna keeps him unless Dillon takes off. There are times when my mom has treatment, and I can’t keep him the entire time Anna needs me to. Anna does the best she can for him even if it means leaving him with us.

I am grateful for the bond we all have with Hollis. Even on the worst day of treatment side effects, Hollis makes my mom smile and gives her a reason not to drown in the hard time she isgoing through. Whatever is going on with Anna, I can’t explain. I just see a woman who is lost and trying to figure herself out. I have decided even though she doesn’t want a friendship in the conventional way, I’m going to support her the best I can. I don’t judge her. I accept where she is, and I take care of her son while she’s working out whatever she needs to.

“L is for lollopop,” Hollis singsongs back to me.

I smile at the way he always says lollipop. It never comes out right and I think it’s one of my favorite words he’s learned yet.

“M is for milk,” I continue on while we color.

This is our little alphabet song. One I made up and go over every day practically. I can only hope it helps him when he’s in school. The stuff they want kids to do going into even Kindergarten overwhelms me. At five most of them are reading independently or at least beginning to. Hollis is reading sight words, but to read sentences, well, we’re working on it. He does grasp context clues more and more each day. Understanding the alphabet, writing, context clues, the whole shebang, it's a task and requires focus and planning. Every day I try to integrate a little bit of stuff from colors, letters, numbers, counting, music, and more in hopes he can go to elementary school ready to absorb knowledge like a sponge.

The entire space of the front office is now a mix of my desk, file cabinets, and stuff for Hollis. What used to have a portable crib now is a play grocery store where we do math as he buys the plastic foods. We have a little kitchen play set beside it. He will take my order, make his version, and serve me. I make sure to tip well with the paper money.

I’m not the only one enjoying my immersion play. I think the Hellions, all of them, like the karaoke machine the best. Each break between jobs, casual stop by to give a message, or any reason to pop in, every brother in the club pauses to turn the karaoke machine on and sing with Hollis. What started as a littlehard plastic kiddie radio with a microphone is now upgraded to a full-blown speaker, microphone, and a damn rotating ball of lights. It’s almost like having a mini-tikes rave for the length of a song. The badass bikers can party with a four-year-old and turn around immediately going back to Hellions hard ass in the next breath.

The phone rings taking my attention from our current coloring page. Answering and taking a storage payment, I focus on my job while keeping an eye on Hollis. One thing about kids, never take an eye off them or they will indeed get into something. Before I can finish processing the payment, the front door opens. Immediately, I scan up to see who is coming and instinctively, I’m ready to drop the phone and get to Hollis. The mama bear inside me comes to life the moment I think a stranger might get too close.

Dillon “Karma” Jacoby walks in wearing swim trunks, t-shirt, and flip flops. On the regular basis, he is ruggedly handsome. He’s tall, built, and sexy in the untouchable way. I wouldn’t dare tell him, but I can admire. This casual side of him might be more impressive than the biker side.

“Hey Zizi,” he greets using Hollis’ nickname for me as Hollis jumps up from the table and runs to his dad. I give a wave as I file the paperwork in my hand. “Buddy, we are hitting up the slides today!” Dillon tells his son as I watch both their eyes dance in excitement.

“Zizi come with us,” Hollis invites waving me over while he sits in his dad’s arms.

What is it about a man holding their child that is an automatic attraction? I know Hollis has been wanting to go to the big water slides. I take him to the beach when I’m off and Anna leaves him with me. We pass by this new water slide place, and he begs to get to go down them. I knew it the moment he first got in a pool, there wasn’t going to be any holding him back.There is a local place here that does swim lessons for toddlers. Living so close to the beach and people having pools, I think it’s important for kids to learn water safety and understanding what to do if they fall in. Since I had him frequently, I signed him up for the lessons and he didn’t miss a single one. Turns out, Hollis loves to swim. He sees those slides and lights up even in the winter when the place is cold, and no one will be swimming anywhere around here.

“Oh buddy, I have to work. You and your dad will have a blast!”

“Maritza,” Dillon says with a somber tone causing me to stand up a little taller. “I’m sorry about this morning. I didn’t know she was taking him to you. I guess I slept heavy and didn’t hear the garage door open.”

I shake my head. I don’t want Hollis to hear this. No matter his age, what he may or may not understand. I don’t ever want him to think his mom doesn’t want to be around him or that he isn’t a priority. Whatever happened and whatever happens going forward, she is his mother, and I want him to love, respect, and understand her. I don’t want anyone else’s opinions, thoughts, or even mere conversations about Anna to taint Hollis’s view of his mom.

“I have his bag we take to the beach or the pool in the back,” I change the subject, “the sunscreen in the tube is waterproof. The tub with the spin top is made for the face. It’s waterproof too, but I like to apply it every half hour. I usually set an alarm to go off at the thirty-minute mark. It’s a good break for him to pause and get it reapplied if we are in the water. I take the moment to get him to hydrate too.”

Dillon smiles at me with a smile that fills his entire face. “You have a system for everything, don’t you?”

It’s not often Dillon relaxes like this. Before I can respond, my dad walks in with my mom. Hollis immediately squirmswanting down so Dillon releases him. He runs to my mom who quickly drops to her knees to scoop him up against her in a hug. The treatments weaken her making picking him up a challenge the bigger he gets. Early on, she loved to hold him. Some days his entire naps as an infant were spent in her arms.

“I didn’t expect you today,” I tell my mom raising my brows because I’m curious. Remission is new, but exciting. She is still building back an immune system and struggles with fatigue. The cancer will always be lurking in her body so to speak. We will have to monitor it for the rest of her life. For now, though, they have it all under control and she’s in remission.

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