Page 46 of Hard to Pretend

18

Natalie’sinvitationtoherFriday game night felt like a step in the right direction.

When I got there, the air was still thick with tension. The natural rhythm between us was off. I hated it. It was my fault, and I knew that. I also knew that I could only bear so much responsibility in fixing it. There was a small part of me that thought they were overreacting, but I swallowed it down. It wasn’t going to help me fix things with my friends. Playing the blame game didn’t help build bridges. It only burned them to the ground.

The first game we played felt wrong. The second one felt a little more natural, but things still felt off. I needed to make the steps to rebuild the bridge. I had the plan in place: movie night at Eli’s. Natalie was already interested, but she was the only one I’d extended theinvite too so far.

When we finished the second game and started to transition to a third, I decided to make my move. “Are you guys busy Sunday?”

Six heads swiveled toward me before they all began to exchange glances. I caught the way River raised their eyebrow at Luce. I caught the questioning look on Vince’s face when he looked at Mason, and I wondered how much he knew about our group’s current issue. Had Mason spilled everything to him in a very boyfriendly manner, despite constantly claiming that theyweren’tboyfriends? Natalie gave Ronnie a small smile, and Ronnie shot me the most subtle thumbs up I’d ever seen.

Clearly, Natalie had told Ronnie the movie night plans already.

River was the first to speak. “We’re free. Luce and me.”

“Depends on what you’re about to suggest if Vince and I are free,” Mason answered. It was such a stereotypical Mason answer that I couldn’t help grinning at him.

It was the first time that things felt normal between us since the truth had come out. It was the first time that I felt like things would return to normal since then too. It reassured me. Maybe not everything was lost. Maybe it was a sign that Eli’s master plan would work. He was smart, just like Seb had said.

“Movie night.” My words were answered with more questioning glances. “Seb’s best friend, Jonas, ishosting on Sunday. It’s at his place with his boyfriend, and they suggested I invite you guys so everyone can get to know each other.”

“Sunday?” Luce questioned as she grabbed some small paper plates from the stack on the snack table. She began to pass them out. “Any idea what movie we’ll be screening?”

“Not a clue,” I admitted. “Hopefully nothing that sucks too much.” Luce let out a small chuckle and another wave of reassurance washed over me. If she was able to laugh, then that meant that things were looking up. Maybe the time they’d needed to cool down was over. “I can ask them, or we can all just go and hope it’s a good time even if the movie sucks?”

“What time is it?” River asked, pulling out their cell phone.

“I think Jonas said that people should be arriving around 7:00. He was thinking about ordering pizza.”

“Or you could tell him not to order pizza and I’ll cook,” Luce suggested with a grin. “I mean, as a gesture of good will.”

“Good will or needing to be in control of the menu?” I questioned.

“Does it matter if the food’s good?”

“Can I tell them that you’re coming?”

My friends exchanged looks again, but this time, I could see the skepticism written on their faces. That wasn’t a good sign. It wasn’t showing a lot of faith in the future of our friendship, and I didn’tlike it. It felt like time hadn’t been enough to heal the problems between us. Or maybe I hadn’t given them enough time. It hadn’t even been a full week. Maybe I was pushing things too hard and too fast. There was a chance that I was making things worse, causing irreparable damage to the bridge I was trying to rebuild.

I had to fix this. Clearly an invitation wasn’t the right way to go about it.

I had to think about this in terms of our group. Our friendship had always been based in honest conversation. The night they’d come over, we’d barely scratched the surface. They’d been too hurt, and I’d been too blindsided by the fact that the truth had come out. I’d been embarrassed. My head had been shoved too far up my own ass to properly apologize, to properly talk about it, or to properly fix it.

An invitation wasn’t going to change any of that. Conversation would.

I drew in a deep breath. “I’m really sorry,” I told them quietly.

Luce turned from the snack table, bringing a carrot stick up to her mouth. “We know you’re sorry,” she told me bluntly. That didn’t make me feel any better. Not that this was aboutmefeeling better. Luce looked at me for a moment before her green eyes softened. “I guess I still don’t understand why you’d lie about being in a relationship, and it’s really hard to move past everything when I don’t understand.”

I nodded. That made sense.

It was time to have a real conversation. It was time to lay myself bare, open myself up to all of their prodding questions, and probably hurt my own feelings in the process. Luce herded us all away from the snack table and to the living room. We all settled on Natalie and Ronnie’s giant sectional.

If someone looked in from the outside, it would look a lot more casual and relaxed than I felt sitting on the couch, surrounded by my closest friends, and feeling an icy draft coming off of every one of them.

An awkward silence settled over us like a wet, heavy blanket. I shifted in my seat, trying to figure out how to start. They already knew the basics. They knew why I’d started the lie and why I’d continued it, but the emotions behind it? I hadn’t laid those out for them. Maybe that was the place to start.

“You already know why I started the whole charade.” Six heads nodded. “It was more than just being tired of everyone setting me up all the time.”

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