Page 36 of Hard to Pretend

My reasons sounded so stupid even to myself, but I knew that Matt would understand. That was what he did. He understood everything, but I also knew that he’d give me that look of his that made me shrink down and feel like a chastised child. Because my reasons were kind of ridiculous the more I thought about it. It was just pride. Even if I had someone recommend me, it wasn’t like I had a relationship with him. I didn’t know Chris’s friend.

“Seb,” he prodded.

I sighed. “I want to do it on my own,” I confessed. “I don’t want his friend being the reason I make a name for myself.”

“All he’d be doing is handing your resume to someone.” I looked over at Matt, and he had that look on his face. I knew he’d have it, and I wanted to sink into my couch cushions. “You’d be the one sitting in that interview room. You’d be the one showing off your portfolio and pitching your ideas. You might have a better shot at an interview because of him, but you still have to wow the person across the table from you.”

“So you think I should let Chris help me?”

“I think you should at least consider it.” Matt’s tone was serious, but I didn’t feel like he was pressuring me or trying to convince me to do something that I didn’t want to do. “Maybe look into everything, and then make your decision. Look into the company. Do some research. See if it’d be a good fit, and if it is, then let him help you or just email the resume yourself.”

He was right. I knew that he was right. If my stupid pride weren’t getting in the way, I probably would have come to that conclusion on my own.

After Matt left, I took his advice. I started researching Enterprise Marketing. It was a smaller firm, but the Glassdoor reviews were good. Employees were happy. The reviews for growth and salary packages were good. When I looked on their website, they were hiring for entry level positions, but the ideaof starting over, having to do another few years of data entry and trying to climb the corporate ladder, made me physically ill. Starting over would be like walking through the fires of hell, and there was no guarantee that there wouldn’t be any kind of satisfaction on the other side.

I kept researching.

I kept going back to the reviews. There were a few entry level reviews, and several of them mentioned getting accounts within the first six months. I wondered if they had connections at the firm, if things worked the same way there as they did at Magnolia Marketing. I didn’t want to go from the hell I knew to the hell that I didn’t. At least at Magnolia, I knew where I stood. I wouldn’t at Enterprise.

But I kept going back to the site.

I kept looking at the job openings.

I fit what they were looking for.

I had decisions to make. It could be the best choice for me, but it could also be the worst. I pulled out my phone and typed out a text to Chris. My finger hovered over the send button, but in the end, I erased the words. I wasn’t ready to make the leap.

Instead, I called my mom.

Maybe she could convince me that this wasn’t the world’s worst idea—or even that itwasthe world’s worst idea. I wanted her to tell me what to do, just like I was a child again.

And my mom, because she was the person that she was, did exactly that.

14

Ididn’tlikethewaySeb left that morning.

He’d been quieter and more reserved, or maybe I’d been. I thought about it while I straightened up my apartment, and I’m pretty sure I was the one who had been quieter. Maybe that was why our goodbye kiss goodbye had felt cold.

I needed to figure it out. If I let this fester under my skin, then I would be risking something I didn’t want to lose. I hadn’t been with Seb long, but I knew that I didn’t want to lose him. I could see the potential in our growing relationship. I could see the way that things could develop between us, and I didn’t want to lose that chance. Which meant it was time for one of my least favorite things: introspection.

What had bothered me so much when he turned down my offer for help?

It had to be more than the fact that he didn’t want my help, right? It couldn’t just be that simple. I knew that I had a habit of wanting to fix things, to makethem better in what little ways I could. I’d done that for each one of my friends and family over the years. I always wanted to fix things, to make the lives of those I cared about better. Of course I’d want to do the same thing for the man I was dating. It just made sense. I was a fixer.

I wish I knew why he’d turned down my offer to help. Was it just pride? Was there something more going on beneath the surface, something that kept him from taking the offer? I thought about everything I knew about him. His mother had worked hard to give him a good life, all on her own. Maybe he felt like he had to do that. That it wouldn’t count as true success if he had help, even though everyone got help in their journeys. I remembered him complaining about some of the people at his current job who’d gotten accounts before him despite working there less time. Maybe he was afraid of being like them, but he wouldn’t be.

I couldn’t figure out which of these was more likely, but I also couldn’t figure out why he’d let those things keep him from something he wanted. If he was miserable at his job, shouldn’t hewanthelp to get out of it?

I thought about it too long. I probably spent more time thinking about why he was bothered than why I was. So much for introspection.

I came to one obvious conclusion: help him anyway.

If the roles were reversed, I’d want someone to help me. It wasn’t like I was submitting his resume or applying to the job for him. I would just be emailing Jasper, finding out if there were any openings and what steps Seb might need to take to fill one of them. Maybe there were things he could include that would put his resume at the top of the stack. It would still be Seb doing the work and making the decisions. I couldn’t do any of that for him. I didn’t have his resume, and I didn’t know the first thing about what it took to get hired at a marketing firm. I was pretty sure he did.

I didn’t stop to think of the ways this could go wrong when I hit send.

“You didwhat?” Seb demanded.

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