Page 35 of Hard to Pretend

I didn’t like it.

But I also knew that I couldn’t have anything real with him if I didn’t open up, if I didn’t let myself be vulnerable. It wouldn’t work if I couldn’t open up to him. I could practically hear Matt in my head, softly scolding me about trusting the person I was with.

I did trust him. I just didn’t know how to be open like that without feeling like I was setting myself up for pain and heartache.

I also didn’t know hownotto do it when he looked at me with those soulful dark eyes, pleading for me to tell him everything. I folded like a cheap camping chair. “Like I told you, I’ve been there for a few years, and I still haven’t gone anywhere. I want to actually use my degree. I have a lot of ideas, but I’m justwasting away tracking what everyone else is doing.” I frowned and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry. It’s boring. I’m just… I’m just in my head about it.”

I felt him press his lips to my cheek as his arms tightened around my waist, pulling me closer to his chest. “You’re not boring me,” he assured me. “I want you to tell me these things.”

“You do?”

I didn’t have to look at him to sense the incredulous expression on his face. I could hear it in his voice when he spoke. “Of course I do. I’m not just here for the fun parts.”

I felt something relax deep inside of me. It was like all of my muscles unclenched at once. My heart fluttered in my chest, and I grinned.

Then I unloaded.

I told him complaints I hadn’t even told my closest friends. I told him about parts of my job that had been eating at me since day one. The entire time, he listened intently. I didn’t feel like he was judging me while I unloaded. He didn’t cut in and try to offer me ways to fix the problem or unhelpful advice like just saying something. Like anyone making the decisions would admit that they were giving people better chances just because they were related or family friends or whatever. He only hummed when I went off about the blatant nepotism. He did look annoyed when I told him what happened the first time I’d tried.

I could remember it like it was yesterday. My direct supervisor had told me that everyone had to pay their dues before they got a chance to make their mark. He’d repeated it when I pointed out my tenure with the company.

When I finally finished, I felt unburdened, like a fifty pound weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Chris was quiet for a few moments, like he was waiting for me to finish. Or maybe he was just making sure that I was finished before he spoke.

“Have you thought about finding a different job?”

“A few times,” I admitted.

“Why haven’t you?”

That was a complicated question. I sighed. “Magnolia Marketing is one of the biggest firms in King’s Bay. They have other offices around the country. According to their hiring mambo jambo, they offer better growth opportunities than their competitors.”

“But they don’t actually give you the chance to grow,” he pointed out. He wasn’t wrong. “I have a friend at Enterprise. I’ve known him for a few years. He might be able to help you get an interview.”

I’d actually looked into Enterprise when I’d started my career. It was smaller than Magnolia, and it didn’t sound like it had as many opportunities for growth. Maybe I should look into it. “I’ll do some research.”

“Or you could give me your resume, and I can forward it to Jasper.”

That would be the easiest thing to do, but I was my mother’s son. I’d watched her do so much on her own, and I admired her for it. I wanted to be able to make it on my own, to prove I was just as capable as she was. I wanted to prove that I was just as capable as she’d raised me to be. I didn’t know if I could do that if I took Seb’s help.

I didn’t want to be like the people at my office that pissed me off. I didn’t want to be one of the people who only got good assignments because they knew someone. I frowned, and Chris caught the change in my expression. I couldn’t read the look in his eyes, but he reached for the remote and pressed play. Our episode resumed and the conversation stopped.

But the vibe had changed.

“You seem quiet,” Matt commented the next day.

Chris had plans with his friends, and while I’d been invited, I didn’t want to be one of those couples that couldn’t be apart. I didn’t want to force myself into his group of friends or neglect my own. So we’d kissed goodbye at his door and went our separate ways.

Unfortunately, it meant I would be spending the day solo. I didn’t like that, so I sent a few messages to my friends. Luckily Matt was free. We’d gone out to lunch and then went back to my place, even though his apartment was closer. He’d claimed it still felt toobig and too empty without Lucas. It had been months since his ex-boyfriend moved to Texas, and while he’d adjusted well, I sometimes got the feeling that he was lonely. I half expected to find him harboring kittens in his bathtub just to fill the void.

Instead, he had an ever growing collection of rubber ducks and a tendency to avoid his own apartment.

I felt him nudge my arm, and I sighed. “Chris was really quiet last night.” After I didn’t take him up on his offer for help. I thought that maybe it’d be better this morning, but he was distant. I’d let my walls down, and now I could feel the breeze. I didn’t like it.

“What happened?” Matt asked.

I gave him the run down. I told him about my job woes and Chris’s offer for help.

“Why wouldn’t you let him?”

---