Page 3 of Hard to Pretend

I laughed, shaking my head. Eli had no sense of when not to say something. And everyone said Holden was the one with the big mouth. At least he’d broken some of the tension. I felt myself relax a little. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just—I see how happyyouare,” I said, addressing Jonas, “and I don’t know. I want that.”

Jonas nodded. “Then you should find it.”

“Great. Monogamy is catching,” Eli muttered.

“It’s not a contagious disease,” Matt pointed out, rolling his eyes. Of all of us, he’d always been the onemost driven to find something deeper, something real. I could count the number of times he left the bar with a stranger on my fingers. I might not even need both hands. “And if Seb wants to find something real, that’s good for him. If you don’t, that’s good for you.”

Eli sighed. “Fine. More guys for me I guess.”

“You could always go find the guy from earlier,” I suggested.

Eli looked like he was thinking about it for a moment before shaking his head. He brought the bottle of beer to his lips and took a drink. “Think I’ll just hang out for a bit. Maybe find someone closer to leaving time.”

Of course he would. He wouldn’t leave alone if he decided it wasn’t what he wanted. Eli Mercer always found a way to get what he wanted.

I was a little jealous.

I ended up leaving the bar alone that night, just as I’d planned. Eli had left with some guy about twenty minutes before the rest of us called it quits. Matt and Holden shared a ride, and I would almost put money on Holden crashing with Matt that night rather than risk hearing Eli’s after hours activities. I really didn’t know how he handled living with Eli.

I couldn’t do it.

I liked the quiet of my apartment too much.

I liked being able to listen to music while I showered off the sweat from dancing and the smell of the beer Holden had accidentally splashed on me while gesticulating wildly telling some story about some guy he’d gone on a date with over the weekend. I really liked being able to walk out of my bathroom completely naked without worrying about flashing my bits at someone who had no interest in seeing them.

More than anything, I liked the fact that no one was around to judge me when my mom called at one in the morning after she finished up her shift at the hospital. If Thursday nights with the boys were sacred, then the late night phone calls with my mom were… Actually, they were sacred too.

At least twice a week, my mom would call me as she left her late shift, and we’d spend ten or fifteen minutes catching up. It reminded me of my childhood, when she’d come home past my bedtime and wake me up for a few minutes of conversation after the baby-sitter had gone home.

I was glad I’d chosen not to go home with the guy from Goliath. I would have missed her call.

And then, I was less glad. She clocked my mood as soon as I answered the phone. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just in a mood.”

“What kind of mood?”

“The kind I’m not sure I want to talk to my mom about.” I could practically feel the lookshe was giving me all the way across King’s Bay. I sighed. She didn’t say anything. She didn’thaveto say anything. The silence said more than any nagging questions ever could. “I’m in a lonely mood.”

“Didn’t you hang out with the boys tonight?” she asked, concern heavy in her tone.

“I did,” I confirmed, “but that’s not the kind of lonely I’m feeling.” I plopped down on my bed. My mom made a noise, encouraging me to go on. “I see what Jonas and Silas have, and I want that.” I groaned. “How did you manage to go so longwithoutwanting that?”

“Oh honey, I dated while you were growing up. I just never found anything serious.”

“Do you want something serious?”

My mom grew quiet for a few moments. “At my age, I’ve gotten too used to doing everything my own way. I think I’d end up killing someone if I had to adjust to another person at this point in my life, but I do want you to find that. If you want it.”

I nodded. My mom’s reasons for not finding someone now that I was an adult made sense. At least a little bit. I wondered if she ever got lonely, if she ever laid awake in bed at night, wishing there was someone beside her. Holding her as she fell asleep. Then I wondered if it was insensitive of me to even ask her how she managed to go without that for so long.

I was aterrible son.

My mom and I talked for a good fifteen minutes. She told me all about her night at work and about a pottery class she’d decided to start taking at the rec center. I told her about my night out with the guys, leaving out the guy that tried to pick me up. We might have been close, but there were some things I just didn’t talk about with my mom.

When we hung up, I felt a little better. I was still lonely, but I wasn’t as in my head about it.

I’d take the small victory.

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