Page 21 of Hard to Pretend

I felt everything in that kiss. My heart raced and I wanted more. I wanted to take him upstairs and replay our one night together, over and over again. I wanted to say fuck it and fuck him right there in front of my apartment. I wanted to explore his body with my hands, my mouth. I wanted to lose myself in his kiss. I wanted to do a thousand different things.

Instead, I just pulled away breathless. I rested my forehead against his. “I should… I should go upstairs.”

He nodded. “Probably for the best.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

I kissed him one last time before I finally pulled away.

“I’ll text you later?” Chris asked quietly.

I nodded, and then I climbed out of the car. The entire walk upstairs to my apartment, I regretted not inviting him upstairs.

8

Ihadn’tbeenabletostop thinking about the way Seb kissed me in the car. My mind took the kiss and turned it over and over again from every possible angle. And then, when it had done that a million times, it provided me with fantasies about what might have happened if Seb had invited me upstairs.

I imagined his soft lips wrapped around my dick and the way his dark eyes would look as he looked up at me through his long eyelashes. I imagined the way his skin would feel under my fingertips as I explored every inch of him. I had that experience once before, but it was fuzzy through the lens of time and alcohol. This time, it would be clear as day. Something I could savor.

My fantasy played out further, and I could feel my cock thickening in response.

I could not get hard to imaginary scenarios with my fake boyfriend. That was crossing lines, blurring the boundaries we’d set up. We would be breaking up ina few days, and it would be harder to break up with him if my mind was filled with the fantasy ghosts of his moaning as he came apart. At least that part wouldn’t be fully imagined.

Okay, I had to stop.

I had to think about anything else.

My dick throbbed as my mind went rogue, teasing me further with images I did not need. Porn. I should get online and find something completely unrelated to the man I had just kissed, so that way when I got off, I could at least lie to myself and say that it wasn’t about him. I knew that was the right thing to do, thesmartthing to do, but I just laid back on the couch and let the fantasies play out. I let myself imagine it was his hand stroking me, his thumb swiping precum off of my slit, his spit mixing with my precum to smooth the glide.

And when I came all over my hand, I imagined that the hand collecting my release was his.

I was so fucked.

Three days later, the kiss was still on my mind. I’d jacked off thinking about Seb at least four more times. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Every time I went to text him that it was time to pull the trigger and end our fake relationship, I found myself wishing foranother excuse. Some other party or obligation that could drag this out a little longer.

I wasn’t ready for it to be over.

The realization hit me like freight train.

I thought back to every recent interaction with Seb. I’d spent more time laughing and smiling around him than I had with anyone in a long time. I wanted to get to know him better. I wanted to explore the feelings that I was starting to develop for him, and I couldn’t do that if we called it off. I also didn’t think I could do that if we were just playing pretend. I didn’t think I wanted to fake it anymore.

The problem was I didn’t know if Seb felt the same way.

I wished I could text one of my friends, ask for their advice, but that would require coming clean. I couldn’t stand the idea of that embarrassment. I didn’t want to admit that I’d lied to all of them and pulled an almost stranger into my deception. It looked like I had to do this on my own. I inhaled deeply and as I exhaled, I pulled up my text thread with Seb.

Chris

hey can we talk?

Seb

every man’s favorite words…

Chris

it’s nothing bad. promise.

Seb

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