Page 38 of Our Hearts Knew Better

“Mom wouldn’t want this.”

Dad stopped at the bottom of the stairs. “You wouldn’t know what your mom would want. You were too young. And she’s gone.” His empty voice revealed a crack that widened the ones in me. “It doesn’t quite matter what she wants anymore.”

“Yeah, it does,” I said with a sprint forward, back on his back again. “Because she still lives on through us! And I still have some memories of Mom. Iknewher, too, and we were close, and you and I should’ve been, too, especially after—”

“I’m your parent, Summer. I’m not supposed to be your friend.”

“You’re not either one,” I practically hollered, a call for some help, from somewhere, from anywhere. “What have you given me other than…to be like this?” I showcased myself as if he was actually taking the time to look. “I’m…anxious where I should feel safe. I’m lonely. All the time! Just like you,” I added through my teeth, another vain attempt to connect. “I can’t get close to anyone my own age. And I can’t even get close toyou. The only one you make sure I have. But I don’t have you, Dad.” Tears rushed to and over my lids, too many for me to stop them. “Myhead’s messed up. This is messed up. We’re messed up, and why can’t we fix it?”

I expected too much.

I expected what a kidshouldexpect from their parent.

And still, I got nothing from him.

“Really?” The word only came out as a whisper as my dad ignored me and started up the stairs.

And I stood alone, in the big open space, feeling smaller and smaller.

I needed him.

I needed my mom.

I needed my mom to come back and make everything better.

Dad’s stillness stirred me. His rejection gave allowance to a chaotic-like pain. My heart was pinching and racing in skips, a piercing pain that never completely overtook me until now.

The way he wasn’t making this into a big deal, whenthiswas the time he should.

I wasn’t worth a fight.

My body was tight and sore with tension as a simmering, swirling anger blew in like an impending summer storm.

ASummerstorm.

I managed to pace into the living room, only to pause when I spotted Levi watching through the window.

He was still here.

He was still here for me, after I told him he didn’t have to stay.

Are you okay?he mouthed, but his face showed the tension I still felt.

We knew I wasn’t okay. I was far from.

I was feeling too much.

Then I was running back out the door.

I Found. . .

I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t slow down now. I could only run.

I ran the entire way, and Levi ran with me, not trying to stop me until we cleared the trees for the patch of grass to the train tracks.

“Summer.” He called my name through winded breaths. “Summer,hey.” Twice he said my name, urgent and concerned, and I didn’t want him to stop, so maybe that was part of why I still didn’t stop, to hear theneedand thecarefor me.

The sound of the train’s whistle vibrated through me and fired up my feet—I was almost too late—and I stumbled onto the tracks, catching myself with one arm as someone else caught me with the other.

---