Page 36 of Our Hearts Knew Better

My window was closed.

Levi’s arm shifted from my grip, then his hand was in mine. He squeezed and my eyes stung and my heart softened.

A light came on at my left, and my head shot toward the front window, where I saw my dad, sitting in his recliner in the glow of the lamp on the side table.

“Need me to stay?” Levi asked, low, his offered strength, but I had my own. I needed my own.

I needed to go in alone.

“No,” I told him, releasing the scratch in my voice before I really had to use it.

I squeezed him back before I let him go then walked inside.

I stayed at the door and waited for my dad to unleash his thoughts. I held his stare, a fight to not drop mine to the floor.

He didn’t look mad. He didn’t even look upset. Which made the fight less so. He looked almost…settled. Knowing I’d stretched his leash, and I wouldn’t stop until it broke.

It felt like lightyears before he finally spoke.

“Who was with you?”

“Levi,” I answered, with a protective edge. My dad wasn’t taking any of this—him—from me. “He’s a friend,” I added.A boy.

“And who’s your other friend?”

My throat was dry as I swallowed. “Adam.”Two boys.

Right. He did know.

“These the ones with the boat?”

My next answer stalled on my tongue as I studied him. My nerves were firing more over how neutral he was being. I couldn’t tell how he felt, and I’d rather he be mad. I’d rather he be shaking and worked up. I wasn’t sure how to deal with him like this.

Then I thought that was maybe what he wanted.

And that thought shook me, tiny spreading tremors, and I stumbled over myself.

“Levi has the boat. His dad, it’s—it’s his dad’s boat. The Gilligan, it’s—”Breathe. Slow down.

“What have you been doing with them?”

“Nothing,” I blurted to the slight accusation in his tone, the smallest suspicion that I had beenmisbehaving, by his standards and definitions. “I’m just trying to have friends.” I flushed beneath my dad’s unwavering scrutiny, weak. So weak. But I pulled from all the strength I’d been building to unclench my teeth. “I can’t…I can’t do anything. You…keep me locked up.”

“Is that what you think this is?”

The color ran from my face as I almost gaped. “Itiswhat it is. What else—”No.My mind wouldn’t be twisted. “So why?” I pressed, hoping this time he’d actually givemeanswers.

“Why what?”

My chest ached, barely expanding with my next breath, as every question he threw back at me tightened my lungs. “What’s wrong with you?” I asked now, a plea through my increasing and strained pitch. “Why are you—? Why aren’t you acting…”

“How do you want me to act?”

“Why?” I repeated with pounding steps forward, feeling like smoke was blowing from my ears at the same time my heart was sinking. “Why is this a conversation we’re even having? Why am I standing here right now in the middle of the night? Why do I have to sneak around you to live my life? Why can’t you want to know me? Why can’t I want to know me?”

My voice grew with eachwhy, then cracked off at the last one, my eyes two filled wells making my entire world blurry until I had no choice but to blink.

Dad tracked the tears as I waited for his answer, for any excuse, any reason.

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