Page 22 of Our Hearts Knew Better

“She smelled like honeysuckle,” I told Levi, moving on from the food. I hadn’t tasted or smelled honeysuckles in years. My face met the warm wind as I closed my eyes to welcome that memory. “We had a bush growing up the side of our house some summers ago, and I got one lick of the nectar before Dad cut it down.” My throat squeezed, as I could still taste that lone drop of sweetness on my tongue. I blinked my eyes open and out of the memory, my tongue now a bit bitter. “The bush wastaking over. That was his reason.”

That was hislie.

I did understand, though, and I hated that I understood, because I couldn’t remember a time when my dad understood me or even tried to.

“I was too young to really grieve her, but my dad wanted to make sure I grieved inhisway. Which was just keeping her allto himself.” Even those moments when we were listening to her music, I wasn’t really part of them.

But I wanted to keep Mom with me in my own ways. I wanted to eat the foods she loved, all the foods webothloved. I wanted to breathe her in, even if it was just from a plant or a bottle.

And I wanted to feel for my dad…but he didn’t feel for me.

I felt Levi’s arm press steady into mine and I leaned some of the weight of my next strained and low words onto him. “She was mine too.”

Mollie Kinnison was his wife, but she was my mom.She was mine too.My life and every piece of it was mine.Mine.

My teeth clenched with more silent words toward my dad that ached to swallow down. I hadn’t let myself feel my emotions this deeply about my mom. I was a kid when she died, but her break in my heart was still there, and I’d had nowhere to put those emotions. I had no one to share them with. Levi didn’tsharemy feelings, but he lent his ears and his shoulder. I probably could have cried on it if I wanted to, but we were surrounded by enough water.

“She was,” Levi affirmed, and the sting from my nose moved to my eyes, making it harder to keep the water under the bridge. His voice was tight and I peeked to see that jerk in his jaw.

I sighed against him, relaxing into the moment…trying not to count the seconds his arm stayed pressed against mine. So many seconds in the quiet as we listened to the light rustling of branches and low chirping of crickets.

These sounds and his firm steadiness would come back to me every time I needed them.

I would have walked all the way here on my own, but I was happy to have company.

I was happy it was Levi’s again.

“I like this spot.” I spoke at the water, then mustered a glance at him. He was looking at the water, too, but as soon as my head lifted, his eyes glided up to meet mine.

“I like this spot too.” He swayed us and my lips stretched as I watched his move more. “Want a fun fact?” He didn’t wait for a verbal answer because he couldn’t miss how every inch of my face screamedyes! “This bridge is the newest construction in this town. It’s only as old as we are.”

“It was put up seventeen years ago?” I murmured half to myself as I ran my foot along the boards, feeling even more connected to this new place. There were already these beautiful bizarre happenings, these perfect timings, these flashing signs that I was supposed to be in Rosalee Bay when I was, and this felt like another.

Levi nodded. “I got my first bike at five and rode it through here whenever I could.” His foot now ran along the boards, bumping against the side of mine.

“And every bike since then.” I repeated part of his words, my realization statement, and he nodded again, his dimple deepening with the half twist of hiscaught meexpression.

“I’m saving up for a car,” he told me, a scrunch now in his mouth like he was a bit ashamed for not already having one. Until he remembered who he was talking to and gave me a smile for this piece of our different lifestyles we had in common.

“That’s cool,” I assured and acknowledged. “And I like riding on handlebars just as much as I like walking,” I said, the hint in my voice this pulse of energy that pushed me from the railing and carried me back toward the bike, the thought coming to life in my movements.

Levi was beside me in just a few steps and the pulse pushed again.

“So I’m gonna give you my number and you’re gonna use it.” My eyes widened after my words registered and I turned mycringe away, taking a focused interest in the darkness of the trees like they were the most interesting assortment of leaves I could barely see.

I was attempting to be playful through an eagerness practically rippling through my body for him to keep in touch, but I sounded more justdemanding.

But then I was biting at my building smile, an extra spring in my step that Levi continued to keep up with, as I thoughtwhy not? Why shouldn’t I insist and urge and make attempts, even if it might backfire a bit. I was saying exactly what I wanted, making things happen. All of this was happening because ofme. Because of my choices I was allowingmyselfto make. So why shouldn’t I drive things forward? I couldn’t go backward. And I wanted more nights with him.

I wanted my number in his phone.

So why not?

I can change.

I canmakechange.

The lightest touch to my arm jolted my stare to Levi as he held out his phone. “I’ll use it,” he said as we slowed to a stop, and it didn’t just sound like another promise, itwasone.

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