Page 104 of Our Hearts Knew Better

“And Idoknow,” he says, with such a look of determination that keeps me open to this, still. “This is just a start.” He smiles, and I feel the release in a corner of my mouth again, no pinch this time, but a bit of narrowing in my eyes. “I’m happy you came in.”

Then he pushes up from the table, and I wrap my hands around the dress, holding to my mom between us, when he comes back holding his phone.

“Now, tell me all about everything you sent me that I never responded to so I can show you how proud I am,” he encourages me, an emphasis on the face to face, on me seeing his pride.

No excuses. He’s justbeingbetter.

So I tell him, as he reads off the texts I sent him over the years, his hollow place in my heart filling again, a small amount with each one.

It’s Worth It for This

Summer

The sun is setting on the horizon, rays streaming through the trees, when I finally step back out into the warm air.

And I’m thinking about my father’s offer of weekly dinner dates that I agreed to, when the sore thumb of a vehicle pulls my attention to the left once my feet touch the end of the driveway.

Levi’s truck is pulled off against the curb, one house down.

I’m seventeen again as I approach where he waits, my heart skipping through beats as I remember him outside my house, waiting to make sure I was okay after that big confrontation with my father, after I told him he didn’t need to stay.

I told him again I was coming here, and he asked me again if I needed company, and again, I said no.

And he’s here. Again.

I squint through the passenger side window to see him slumped some against the seat, his head leaned against the headrest, his eyes closed.

My breath comes in slowly as I study him, almost memorizing him like this, here for me. Then comes my smile as I adjust the box against my chest and give a light knock on the glass.

Levi wakes with a small jolt, his hand immediately grabbing for something in the seat, between his legs—his phone. I chuckle in the seconds he taps in to find out the sound wasn’t from there, then I wave when he looks at the window.

He sighs through a sleepy smile and drops his phone into a cup holder, and I don’t wait for the invite before climbing in.

“Sorry to tire you out with the wait time,” I tease to his mini stretch and yawn.

“You should be,” he teases back, rolling up his window and starting the truck to get some air flowing. “It was getting hot.” His accompanying gaze starts from the side, then connects with mine fully as he leans back in a shift toward me. The slight tilt of his head, his half smile, the whole thing, makes me feel flush and thankful for the air conditioning.

My laugh even has a flush to it as I ask, “What’d you think was gonna happen?”

His inhale is deep. “Nothing bad and everything good, but…if you needed someone, you could call me and I’d be here faster.”

Not someone. Him.

“You knew it’d be you,” I murmur.

He looks at me a long moment. “I’m sorry it’s not Adam,” he murmurs back, and I don’t know if it was the lowness in my voice, my lack of a tone to properly decipher, but that wasn’t exactly what I meant. Even if it should’ve been.

“Are you?” I ask, some tone in my voice now, a press for more, because I’m tired of having less. And I can’t have less in this moment. “Or are you glad it’s you?”

His lips part, his eyes dancing between mine. “I want what makes you happy…but I’m glad I can do that.” There’s a strain in the words and I feel it in my swallow.

Levi gives a raised brow glance toward my dad’s house. “So is this goodbye?” There’s still some strain, but his voice is lighter with the teasing way of asking how my time went, and that it didn’t go south.

I shake my head with my mouth scrunched in a tiny grin. Then I tell him, “I’m not sure if we can ever be as close as I’ve wanted, but as long as he keeps trying, I will too.”

It’s like a years-long burden is lifted from my chest when I make the promise out loud, and Levi’s wider smile, tinged with relief, helps my decision feel more right.

He reaches for his phone and taps in, and I’m thinking he’s thinking he’s done and ready to move on. Which he is and he does, but he holds the phone out to me and says with some nerves, “I have something for you.”

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