Page 100 of Our Hearts Knew Better

“What do you have?” Levi asks me now, soft and seeking as I was, with the same underlying selfishness I had too.

“Music…” I start my list with a noddedthanksfor that reminder. “A job that’s good to me…Clarissa…this…” My swallow is knotted and I take more water into my mouth.

“You can have this whenever you want.” Levi’s invitation sounds like another step over the line, so personal, an intimacy in his voice that stirs my yearning, thus turning me away from him.

I give another hum, stroke my hands through the water in front of me. “I can steal the Gilligan?” I turn back to him when I can feel the teasing reach my face, and see the jolt of his silent laughter.

“You can steal Seaduction.”

My laugh is one loud echo through the cave. “Seaduction, that one,still?”

Levi tilts a smile toward the ceiling, and I laugh more with my mouth dipped below the surface again, creating bubbles.

“How is Clarissa?” he asks me now, traces of humor still in his tone, probably because my best friend has given him some good chuckles with her banter toward him.

Well, she still swears Leviathan is on your birth certificate, but lately, she’s been referring to you as the twelfth letter of the alphabet.

“Good,” I tell him. “Better than me.” It’s an added mumble that escapes me before I can stop it, and now the only sound between us is the lapping and tinkling of the sea, lulling me back to the rocks.

Levi follows, a slow breath leaving his lungs as his eyes dance in thought. “I’m sorry for Adam. And I’m sorry about Adam.”

Neither of us have mentioned Adam until now. An underlying pulse there to remind me he’s the only one who should be pumping through my heart.

I study Levi, letting his adapted apology warm my skin, even as all of this puts a slight clench in my teeth.

“He’s never been…likethis. I don’t—” He shakes his head, having nothing else to offer me that he hasn’t tried to already this past year, us both at a loss.

I press more against the rocks, against the piece poking into my back. “I’m sorry too.” Adam’s his best friend, someone close to him, too, being so distant. “He could not be…likethis, if he really wanted to.” These words taste like my feelings—bitter.

Levi sighs, his jaw working around silent words before he decides to say them. “He charged at a kid the other day at the batting cages.”

I straighten against the rocks. “What?”

“I stopped him,” he assures me. “And he might not have been,” he retracts with a flash of denial in his eyes as he faces me fully. “He said he wasn’t, but…” Acceptance flashes now. “I had to stop him.”

I wait for my body to have another reaction, but it doesn’t. It’s almost like I’m immune. Or numb. Numb to everything but this nook of sunlight I’m wrapped in at this current moment.

I’m not moved by Adam being down, when I’m trying to get up and stay up, myself.

“He told me not to tell you,” Levi says through the quiet.

This moves me, specifically the pumps of my heart for Levi. “Why did you?”

He hesitates a response, the string of yet to be said words tugging us closer. “I’m your friend too,” he says, another lightning righted stumble, and I wonder for a second if that’s what he really wanted to say. “And,” he adds with a pause, “if there could be more to worry about.” His gaze holds a questioning concern, as I’ve been the one around Adam this past year we’ve been dealing with…life’s struggles.

“I’m not sure,” I answer honestly as the exhaustion in my bones wakes back up. “But I’d guess no,” I say as I move my limbs through the water, swimming out from the rocks, sending that shit back to sleep while I still can.

Levi gives me the grace, saying after several moments of my big breaths, “We are…” There’s another question in his eyes.“Friends,” he finishes, a need in his tone for me to solidify our strained friendship.

I manage a smile. “We’re getting there.”

He gives me a look I can only describe ascha-ching!

My laugh is another loud echo as I do a spin in place through the water.

“What now?” I repeat his earlier question, mine more playful with my playing mood.

“Whatever you want,” he says, an almost mesmerized lilt to his voice, and to his face, like he’s soaking in seeing me like this, and I dip under, giving my blush to the sea.

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