Page 11 of Check Me Out

Past, present and future collided in my awareness as, suddenly, I understood everything all at once. I was a zygote. I was an old man on my deathbed. And I was everything in between. It wasn’t a historical list of dates and events I was experiencing, though, it was the emotion—but instead of the complex mire of disappointment and frustration that had colored so many of my experiences, I saw everything now through the rose-colored lens of happiness.

You might think you need the lows to appreciate the highs…but you’d be wrong. Each flavor of happiness is distinct enough to provide contrast, like a bag of mixed gourmet jellybeans you can’t stop eating because each flavor is more tempting than the last.

I’d have to concede that anhedonia wasn’t our natural state after all.

It was only a moment I hung there inside the allness—and yet, it felt like forever. I was so happy—so full—that it didn’t even occur to me to cling. Grasping at the feeling would be like holding my breath. Doable for a while, maybe, but I couldn’t hang on forever.

Letting go of the expansiveness was as effortless as breathing. And when I came back to myself, Newton’s lips had settled fully against mine.

His eyes were closed. With a small gasp, he opened them and locked gazes with me.

The everything? He’d seen it, too.

I slipped my arms around his waist and bumped our foreheads together. A wayward breeze crept through a jenky window frame and raised goosebumps all over my naked self, and I nudged Newton toward the hallway so we could retire to the warmth of the futon. As I tugged him away from the counter, I caught sight of the can….

Which was no longer open.

Newton picked it up and gave it a shake. “It’s…full again.”

It might seem tempting to wonder if we’d ever opened it at all, but I knew in my gut that what we’d shared was one hundredpercent real. Even if the flavor of that bean had vanished from my tongue just as soon as it had hit.

“So, what’s the return policy at Val-U-Mart?” he asked.

“On the clearance rack? Usually, all sales are final. But I just so happen to know an employee who’s notorious for bending the rules.”

I could’ve talked him into keeping the can, but there was no reason to hoard the Happiness for ourselves. Because we’d seen it all—and while our paths might have only crossed in the recent past, our present and future were inextricably mingled.

And whatever happiness we’d shared, there would always be more to come.

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