Page 164 of Bane of the Wild Hunt

I knew she was right, butfuck, I was not sure I would ever forget how his rough hands felt mishandling me.

“Get out of the way, Helena!” Orion begged, his voice strained from the pain of the king’s magic that was still holding him down. Electricity hissed and arched between the pinnacles of his wings.

The desperation in his plea hurt my heart. It was more than just physical discomfort, but a soul-deep anguish…

I was moving before I had thought it through beyond an instinctive desire to shield him from any further harm. But interestingly enough, it was his evident desire to be punished that also made Riordan finally hesitate.

Helena saw me approach, and she looked immensely relieved as she stepped out of the way. I met Riordan’s eyes and an understanding passed between us quickly that things with Orion were very… complicated. And I was prepared to grant him grace. At least until we determined whether we could help support him through things.

But I wouldnotbe a punching bag. I did want to help him if we could, but my heart could not take his abuse.

I will not accept that either. I will be the punching bag if that is what he needs right now,Riordan reassured me as he knelt slowly in front of Orion who glowered at him in resistance. As if he would defy Riordan’s mercy.

Hewantedthe punishment. The realization made me ache even more for him, and I could feel Riordan’s anger cooling even further. I felt the intensity of their mental conversation like a busy freeway on the other side of a brick wall. Heated and private and separate from me and my bond with my mate, and yet I could not help but be drawn toward it as it hummed in my mind.

I watched as the tension gradually melted from Orion’s wings and arms. I had not realized just how primed with violent fury he was, all directed at himself, until he had eased and slumped onto his forearms. I did not know what Riordan was saying to him, but I suddenly recalled how much love and patience my mate had shown to me even when I was being ugly.

When I was not easy to give love and patience to.

Orion

I was drowning.

The fear and panic of seeing that troll swing a branch at Amira’s head made it feel like a trapdoor had collapsed under my feet. Plunging me into that pit of devastating guilt and shame that lurked in my subconscious. A place that was dug the night I lay inert under the table that my older brother had hidden me beneath.

Frozen as I had watched him beaten to death when our drunken father came after him for the last time…

So I welcomed the anguish of Riordan’s power ripping over me, ripe with the same betrayal and fury exploding down our bond from him. I had failed him in the most fundamental way that anyskiácould when I mishandled his mate. When I abused what was most precious to him.

Failed him like I failed my brother, and my mother, and now Amira too.

But the punishment never came.

The magic restraining me gentled as Riordan knelt in front of me, and I was infuriated to see concern beginning to overshadow the anger in his eyes.

No! Punish me!I shouted down our bond at him.

First tell me what purpose the pain serves, and then I will decide whether it is warranted, he replied calmly.

I lowered my head, unable to maintain our eye contact when the frustration threatened to overcome me wholly.

I hurt her. Of course it is warranted!

Yes, you did. But I want to know why,he insisted.

I could not put it into words. How could I explain this hijacking of my person in a way that would not belittle its consequence? How could I make him understand how I so often did and said such awful things without meaning to without seeming to excuse myself?

I had always been careful to keep this poisonous part of myself away from him, but there were not adequate words to convey the depths of what I was feeling. I could not make him understand how vicious this thing was that was forever ripping me apart inside. Could not convey how deeply its claws would sink into my mind.

So I allowed him to feel it just this once. I allowed him to witness that moment when the club had come down for her head. Let him know the vague face of my nightmare.

I watched his face tensing, and I knew he was trying to conceal the horror. He looked at me as if he did not know me anymore, and it would break my heart anew…

I am so sorry,I told him.

Do not be sorry. I am the one who is sorry that you did not feel like this was a burden you could share with me.

Stop. Please do not excuse what—

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