Page 103 of Just Like Home

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Charlotte propped her ankle on the ballet barre and leaned over it, stretching out muscles tight from neglect. While she had walked away from a life in professional ballet, the desire to push herself hadn’t gone away, and that meant rehearsing and training.

That meant not letting her muscles get weak.

Thankfully, Brinley had agreed to let her in to the studio whenever she wanted, though she’d made no progress on convincing Connor to let her buy the studio. She’d left him two messages, but so far, no reply.

She had two hours before Cole and Amelia showed up (or not), and she planned to spend them the same way she would if she were in Chicago. She’d taken enough time off.

After she’d warmed up, she took her place on the floor and began to move. She was tentative at first, and then she remembered her moments with Amelia, her moments of recalling the way Julianna threw herself into every role she danced, whether she had a solo or was hidden in the back.

In her mind, she’d assigned sounds and words and numbers to the steps as her entire body moved to the music. An exhale here, azip-zipthere, then ahahon the button of music.

Julianna had a secret Charlotte had never uncovered. She didn’t care for the spotlight—it wasn’t what drove her. She simply loved to dance.

That wasn’t why Charlotte danced. Not only did she not always love it, some days she actually hated it. So why? Why sacrifice everything for something she didn’t love?

Shoo-turn-hah.Over and over, moving instinctively, her body taking on a mind of its own.

As she moved, realization struck her. It wasn’t passion or even ambition that motivated her. It was an overwhelming desire to be worthy.

She was still, even now, trying to earn her place, as if she didn’t have the same right to be here unless she had something to offer. She peppered Cole with gifts that all seemed to cry out,Do you like me yet?She’d tried so hard to be seen, to prove she had value.

And it had worn her out.

Earning her worth had exhausted her.

Was there another way?God, is there another way?

Is that what she was searching for? Permission to stop trying so hard? Permission to stop striving for more? To fill her soul with peace—elusive peace?

And would she find any of those things here?

She lifted onto her toes and turned, catching a glimpse of her technically perfect lines in the mirror. She still looked exquisite.

But what if she turned away from the mirror? What would happen to her body then?

She shifted her stance and faced the back wall, then picked up the choreography again. She moved through the familiar steps, but without her own body to assess, she simply felt the music and let it flow through her.

It was as if her body connected to the music in a way it never had before. The piece was haunting and dark, meant to pull emotion from the audience, to tie them to a deep sense of loss. The creators had been clear this was not a feel-good ballet.

And yet, Charlotte rarely felt anything when she danced it.

Until now.

As she circled the studio, her mind wandered, landing her back with Julianna, with all the deep regrets she had about their friendship. She was haunted by her poor choices, her inability to put anything or anyone above herself. She hadn’t felt it before because she was still so consumed with her own wants and desires. She was still so consumed with proving she was the best.

Am I good enough yet?

But now? Now that she’d spent time in Julianna’s space, now that she realized the days for making it up to her friend were gone—she was struck by profound, unmatched sadness.

The grief she’d been shoving aside assaulted her, demanding her attention. The pain of her betrayal mixed with years of regret, soured by poor choices, choices to put dance above friendship, to put her desire to be the best above everything else—it all tormented her now, and for the first time, she used the movement to let herself feel it.

And as it intensified, so did the deep grief she’d been carting around on her back since the day she found out Julianna had died. The one person in the world who loved her unconditionally was gone.

How could she just be gone?

How could she exist in a world without Julianna’s love and acceptance? Because whether she succeeded or failed, Julianna’s opinion of her never changed. Her love never wavered. She never stopped being Charlotte’s biggest encourager, her best friend.

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