Page 174 of Life of the Party

“Riley,” I said the first name that came to my head, the only name I could say without arousing further suspicion. It wasn’t really a lie, I was going to go see someoneaboutRiley. It was basically the same thing.

“Oh.” Mom nodded, smiling knowingly, even managing a wink towards my older sister. Everyone around the table relaxed—everyone but me.

I bit my lip restlessly on my way out the door, lighting a smoke as I hurried down the walk. Charlie lived down by Riley, by the trailer park, so I had a way to go. The cool air helped clear my head, helped calm my racing heart, but I still felt oddly…frantic. Like I needed to hurry, like I needed to get to Charlie’s house before I realized how stupid I was being, hurtling recklessly towards the exact situation I’d feared—the people, the substance…the temptation.

Charlie could help me; I knew it. I couldn’t go back now. I quickened my steps and tried to distract myself, tried to ignore the quiet, urging voice of reason within me, focusing instead on the streets I passed by, taking in the sights of my town.

A wave of nostalgia hit me as I walked. I realized wistfully—although I’d grown up there, although I’d lived my entire life there, already it didn’t feel like home to me. Everything looked the same but it was all…different now. Like something had changed in the last three months I’d been away, something I couldn’t name, but definitely couldn’t ignore.

I threw my smoke into the street, put my head down, and hurried on.

CHAPTER 70

My heart was pounding nervously as I finally approached Charlie’s apartment. I knew Riley wouldn’t approve of what I was doing. I knew my sponsor would be furious, but I needed to see my friend. I just wanted to talk to her, that’s all. I wasn’t going to get high, I wouldn’t even smoke weed or have a drink. I just wanted to talk.

I trudged up the old, icy, treacherous stairs, bombarded by memories as I knocked on the door. How many times had I fled up these steps, drunk, high…a bit of both.

I remembered falling. How broken I’d been.

I bit my lip uncertainly as slow; sluggish footsteps came to the entry.

“It’s Mackenzie!” Charlie exclaimed, her beautiful face lighting up.

The moment the door opened, I felt stricken, felt my heart sink heavily in my chest. I managed a smile and stepped inside the apartment, accepting Charlie’s exuberant hug.

“Baby, you look so good.” She decided, giving me a once-over. “Rehab has done wonders, hey?” Charlie giggled. “Hey guys, look who it is!”

Charlie was high, I could tell. I looked over into the living room. Alex was there, wasted, with Courtney leaning drowsily over his lap. Were they together now?

Zack was sprawled across the couch. He looked up at me and smiled hazily.

“Mac, how’ve you been?” He was the only other one capable of speech.

I couldn’t answer. I looked wildly around the room. Once it had been homey and comforting, but now it seemed dirty…dark, depressing. Needles were scattered across the coffee table. Beer bottles were upturned on every surface. It all spoke of gloom, of oppression, just…desperation. Even Charlie, as beautiful as she was, I saw in a different light. Her blue eyes were glazed over, her tiny frame sunken in.

My spirit squirmed within me, my soul revolted, and it took everything I had not torun straight out of the room. I couldn’t be there. I loved Charlie, I loved Alex and Zack, but I couldn’t be there. The air was thick with despair. I could feel it in every breath I took, choking me with its heaviness, with its misery.

Now that I had seen the light, the darkness was blacker than ever.

My craving roared to life within me, like gas thrown on a fire, but there was no power in its demand. Because I knew, that I knew, that I just couldn’t do it. It wasn’t for me, not anymore. It was terrifying—empowering—but for the first time in my life, I knew what was right. I knew which way to go, which direction to choose, which course would bring me life. And all of them led me away from there.

Far, far away from there.

“It’s so good to see you.” Charlie smiled. “Here, let me take your coat.”

“No.” I shrunk away from her. “No…I’ve gotta go.”

She blinked at me. “But you just got back.”

“I know.” I didn’t know how to explain it to her. I didn’t want to hurt her. “I’m so sorry, Charlie, but I have to go. I can’t be here.”

She was confused for just a moment, but then she looked back at the living room, at the hovel they were living in, at the substance scattered everywhere. “No. Of course you can’t.” She realized glumly.

My eyes filled with tears. “I love you.” I insisted.

“I love you, too.” Her smile was wobbly. Sad. She nodded her head towards the door. “Go on, Mac. Get out of here.”

I hugged her abruptly and then hastened for the door. I felt terrible for doing this to them, to her. I wished it could be different. I wished I could be friends with them and live my new life as well. It was impossible, though. They just weren’t for me anymore—none of it was.

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