Page 164 of Life of the Party

“‘Cause. You know what really saves you, Mac?” Riley smiled fondly, leaning forward. “Faith. Believing in the impossible. Believing in God, in Jesus. Ignoring all the voices telling you none of it can be real, and just…believing.”

I leaned my arms on my lap, staring down at my hands, choking back my tears. I shook my head hopelessly. “I don’t know how.”

“Sure you do. You’ve already done it.” Riley rested his hand on my knee, trying to see into my face. “The night of the mushroom trip. ‘Save my friend Riley from Hell.’ Remember?”

“That wasn’t real. I didn’t even know what I was saying.”

“Look at me, Mackenzie.” He lifted my face with his hand so I was gazing into his eyes. “Your prayer changed my life. Could you ever picture me this way, before?”

“No. Never.” I admitted breathlessly. The change in Riley had always staggered me. It still staggered me. I gave him a little smile. “You’re saying I’m to blame for all this?” I waved my hand at him absently.

He grinned. “What can I say? I’m an answer to prayer.”

I felt strangely unsettled after Riley’s visit. Like I couldn’t relax. It was a new kind of anxiety, distantly related to how I felt when the lights went off at night, but more…panicky. Restless. Agitated. I didn’t know what was causing it.

I tried to ignore the mounting tension—tried to push it away and focus on the gross cafeteria food, the conversations around me while we ate, the mindless chatter coming from the TV after supper. It didn’t work. I just couldn’t shake the feeling, like I’d forgotten something—something important—but couldn’t figure out what it was.

By bedtime, the disquiet within me had reached a fever pitch. The moment Allison shut the lights off, the darkness in the room pressed against my open eyes. My heart hammered wildly in my chest. For a terrible instant, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I sat up in bed and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. I didn’t really know what to do; I’d never had a panic attack before.

It was the darkness again. So thick. So suffocating.

What I needed was light.

As quietly as I could, I opened my bedside drawer and found the little flashlight Riley smuggled in for me, impulsively grabbing the Bible he’d given me as well. Then, my heart still racing, I ducked under the covers and turned the flashlight on, relieved by the light. I held the Bible against my chest while I caught my breath, the heaviness comforting, weighty with promise.

If Allison was aware of my activities she didn’t say anything. Her slow, even breaths told me she was enjoying the rare skill she possessed for falling asleep immediately.

Urgently, I flipped the Bible open and turned impatiently through the pages. I wasn’t even sure what I was searching for, something—anything that would make all the craziness stop. Riley suggested I read somewhere near the middle. I flipped and flipped and flipped, and then stopped. I read the first verse my eyes rested on.

It was Matthew 11:28-30.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest…learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

I read it a few times, my eyes wide. I was surprised. So much of it actually spoke to me. I flipped again, turning the pages rapidly, and landed on Psalm 9:9.

Many people are suffering—crushed by the weight of their troubles. But the Lord is a refuge

for them, a safe place they can run to.

I gasped a little, my eyes filling with tears, and flipped again.

1 John 1:9 But if we confess our sins, God will forgive us. We can trust God to do this. He always does what is right. He will make us clean from all the wrong things we have done.

Ephesians 3:17-19 I pray that Christ will live in your hearts because of your faith. I pray that your life will be strong in love and be built on love.And I pray that you will have the power to understand the greatness of Christ’s love—how wide, how long, how high, and how deep that love is. Christ’s love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Then you can be filled with everything God has for you.

It didn’t matter where I turned or which page I landed on. There was a verse there, often the first I saw, jumping from the page, speaking directly to me. It was actually kind of frightening. My heart thumped in my chest, my fingers trembling as I flipped, each new verse a confirmation.

This couldn’t be a coincidence.

Finally, I flipped, just one more time, to Psalm 107.

Some of you were sick because you’d lived a bad life, your bodies feeling the effects of your sin; you couldn’t stand the sight of food, so miserable you thought you’d be better off dead.Then you called out to God in your desperate condition; he got you out in the nick of time. He spoke the word that healed you, that pulled you back from the brink of death. So thank God for his marvellous love, for his miracle mercy to the children he loves…

A sob caught in my throat as I read the passage. I read it again and again. So much of it spoke to me…like actually spoke to me.

“Your heart so heavy, and not a soul to help.”That was exactly how I felt.

“You couldn’t stand the sight of food, so miserable you thought you’d be better off dead.”

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