Page 163 of Life of the Party

So I changed the subject instead.

“There’s so much begotting in Genesis,” I complained to Riley one particularly ugly day, rolling my eyes.

He laughed at me then, heartily. I waited, seething, until he was finished.

“Sorry.” He managed between chuckles. “I’ve never heard it put that way before.”

“Maybe I just won’t read any more, if what I think is so funny to you.”

“Touchy.” He smiled at me, his dark eyes warming. “Don’t stop reading it. I’m glad you are. Maybe try something a little closer to the middle. I think you’ll like that.”

I shook my head in frustration. “I don’t know, Riley. It’s all meaningless to me.”

“Try asking Him to show you.” He suggested. “He’d love to, you know.”

Tears pricked my eyes. I couldn’t explain them, I blinked them away.

“Yeah.” Whatever.

“You’re going to get through this,” Riley grasped my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Just take it one day at a time.”

I nodded and stared silently at the floor. Sometimes it felt like my sorrow was engulfing me—that it was all I had left, that I’d lost every part of me to it. I missed Grey so much. I blamed myself for his death. I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror, to face what I’d become—everything I’d done. I was wasted.

Miserable. Broken. Lost.

“I know you’re hurting right now, Mackenzie.” Riley’s voice reached my ears, low, and serious. “You need to hurt. You need to hurt if you’re ever going to change.”

“But you changed.” I realized glumly. “You totally changed, and you didn’t feel any hurt. Not like this.”

Riley hesitated, his dark eyes scanning the drab interior of the room as he thought out his reply. He took a sip of coffee. “I hurt, Mac. More thank you know.”

“How?”

“It…it hurt to know what I’d…become. Even when I look back now, when I think about the way I acted, the way I was. So selfish, you know? So…destructive. What I did to my poor mom…and all those kids I sold drugs to?” He paused, meeting my eyes across the table. “It…hurt to think about you, too. Everything I encouraged you to do. I felt guilty and responsible and just…shitty. But it made me want to change.”

I listened to him, nodding, wide-eyed. I knew what he meant about the guilt—how much it hurt to look back on all my bad decisions, my selfish mistakes.

Knowing the damage they’d caused. Knowing what they’d cost me.

I cleared my throat. “So what. Now, everything is good?”

“Yes, and no.” Riley shrugged. “I still mess up. I still make mistakes.” He smiled. “I guess I have…hope, now. I don’t have to carry the weight of those mistakes anymore. I don’t know. I just feel free. Whole.”

“Why?”

“That’s the best part. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done, or what I do. I’m loved, just the way I am. Accepted and forgiven over and over again.”

I bit my lip doubtfully.

“You are too, Mackenzie.” Riley’s voice was soft. “You right now. Forgiven for everything.”

I shook my head.

“No one deserves it, Mac.” Riley continued, reading my mind. “But it’s true. He knows everything you’ve ever done and loves you no matter what. More than you can imagine. You. Just as you are. Before, and right now, and always.”

My eyes filled with tears again. I couldn’t speak.

“Why is it so hard to believe?” I managed finally.

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