Page 156 of Life of the Party

“Nineteen.”

“You’re only a year older than I am.”

“Yeah?” She looked at me a moment, her blue eyes narrowing. “What’s the deal with you, Mackenzie? When I first saw you, I was like, no, they’ve got the wrong girl. I’d never place you for a heroin addict, not in a million years. You’re too…pure looking.”

Ah…that hurt. Grey had said that about me once…it seemed like ages ago. I pressed a hand against the sudden stab of hurt in my chest, hugging myself around the burning wound, blinking back tears. I turned my face to the wall so Allison wouldn’t notice.

“What’s your story?” She asked.

“It’s not very interesting.” I lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag of delicious smoke, letting it relax me. “I just liked to party. I really liked to party.”

“Go on.” Her blue eyes sparked with interest.

“It started out harmless enough. Weed, Ecstasy, whatever anyone had that weekend. Mushrooms. I did Quaaludes once too. Booze, you know. Typical teenager.” I shrugged. “When I tried cocaine, I thought I’d found the answer. But then heroin came along. And it was…it was like…what I’d been searching for.” I shut my eyes and remembered that first time. Sitting with Grey in the hotel bed, waiting for the waves to crash over us. I remembered holding his hand, resting my head on his chest, being with him. I shook my head. This was a one-way ticket to a meltdown, one I wasn’t eager for Allison to witness.

“It was so good. At first, we tried to be…responsible with it, I guess. But I loved it too much. As soon as I did it, I thought about the next time. If we ran out, I obsessed with getting more. As soon as I had more, I wouldn’t rest until I’d done it.” I looked down at myself. “It was perfect. I’d do heroin when I wanted to relax, cocaine when I wanted some energy. I didn’t realize things were getting so out of control.”

“You always feel like you’re on top of it all, don’t you? Like, it’s no big deal; you’re just having fun; you can quit when you want.” Allison sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling. “Right now, I’d give anything for some tar.”

“Yeah.” I lit another smoke, but it didn’t quench the craving inside of me, coming from somewhere in the very pit of my stomach, demanding to be fed. I bit my lip and tried to ignore it.

“Well.” Allison yawned. “Looks like story time is over.” She pointed to the clock. “Lights out at ten o’clock.”

“Lights out?” I grinned wryly. “Are you serious?”

“Unfortunately.” She rolled her eyes.

I grimaced as Allison got up and started getting ready for bed. For some reason, the thought of bedtime made me anxious. Like summer camp again. My parents used to send me to one every year, though I begged and pleaded not to go. I’d always been fine during the day when crafts and canoe rides would distract me…but at night, in the dark, with the quiet pressing in, I’d always been plagued with the heaviest kind of loneliness. Feverish, crippling homesickness.

I felt that way again. I went through the motions normally enough, putting on my pyjamas, brushing my teeth. I crawled under the unfamiliar covers, tried to get comfortable on the old, lumpy mattress. Allison got into bed and reached over to flick the lamp off.

“Goodnight, Mackenzie.”

There was a sudden lump in my throat as the room was blanketed in darkness.

“Goodnight.” I managed.

“I’m glad you’re my roommate. I thought maybe I’d get stuck with some…I don’t know, some lame-o that just wanted to read books all day or something.”

“Are there many book-worm heroin addicts here?”

“No.” Allison laughed. “I guess not.”

I managed a slight smile into the darkness. Allison rolled over.

And then it was quiet.

I tried to talk myself out of it, but the moment there was nothing else to distract me, my mind started racing, like it needed to go over everything I’d been avoiding all day.

As soon as I shut my eyes, I saw his face—Grey’s gorgeous, handsome face, dark and tan, his stubbled cheeks, his perfect lips curved into a constant smirk. His blue eyes shining happily at me, his messy, dark hair.

I bit my lip to stifle a sob.Grey, Grey, Grey…I wish you were here. I wish we were together.

I wouldn’t feel lonely if he were there, holding me in his warm, strong arms. I’d never be sad again. I’d hold his face in my hands and tell him in a hundred different ways how much I loved him. How I needed him, how I couldn’t be without him.

He’d smirk, and he’d kiss me, and then maybe he’d sing me to sleep. His voice a raspy whisper, low and melodic in my ear. I’d hold onto every note like a precious gift from heaven, every fan of his breath against my cheek like the rarest treasure on earth.

It’s hard to stay completely quiet when crying, but somehow I managed it. I didn’t make one noise as the tears streamed from my eyes—my swollen, broken heart pouring out all the overflowing anguish, all the aching hurt, all the injustice. The utter loneliness pulsed through me with every beat. The dark pressed in, the quiet, thestrange noises in the unfamiliar blackness, the groaning of the old pipes, Allison stirring quietly in her slumber. Please, let me go to sleep, I beseeched my tortured mind. Let this all be some terrible nightmare. Let me wake up, safe in Grey’s arms.

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