Page 43 of Marrying a Spy

Chapter Fourteen

Noah lay on the couch, forcing sleep to come to him. But nothing was happening. His eyes were closed, and Sophia’s disappointed look replayed in his mind like a skipping CD.

She’d been right about so many things. She’d reached out to connect with him on an emotional level, but he’d pulled back like he always did. But she had to know that she wasn’t safe.

Hewasn’t safe.

He pressed his palm against his forehead. He just wished he hadn’t left things the way he had. She deserved so much better than what he was giving her.

When she’d whispered that she loved him, his heart had soared. It was what he had wanted for so long. But then he’d backed away, hiding in the hollows of his heart. He couldn’t care for her like she wanted him to. If he loved her and wanted to keep her safe, he’d stay away from her.

She should ask Judy. Wait. She couldn’t. Judy was gone, and it was just a matter of time before Sophia shared her fate. Noah didn’t deserve happiness. Sophia did. And Noah knew that getting involved with him was the wrong path to a long and happy life.

But, the way he had left things was haunting his thoughts. He needed to say he was sorry.

He cursed under his breath as he pulled the covers off and stood. He’d apologize and then leave.

His feet made no noise as he padded down the hallway and stopped in front of Sophia’s door. He peered in through the crack to see the soft glow of the moon outside, spilling in from the open window. He had almost turned around to leave when Sophia called out his name.

“Noah?”

He squeezed his eyes shut as he counted down from three and pushed the door open.

Sophia stirred as she sat up, pulling the blanket to her neck. She peered over at him. “What do you want, Noah?”

Now that he was standing in her doorway, he wasn’t sure what he was going to say. How could he say he was sorry and that he’d never stopped loving her, without actually saying it? Could he possibly open himself up that much?

He parted his lips and looked into Sophia’s expectant gaze. He needed to say something. Anything.

“I’m sorry,” he said. His voice was deep as emotion clung to his throat.

Sophia’s eyebrows rose. “What?”

Gathering his courage, he stepped closer. “I’m sorry. You deserve better than this. You deserve better than me.” He winced. The truth was painful. She deserved everything, and yet, he could barely give her anything.

She studied him with her eyebrows furrowed. He wished he knew what she was thinking. It would make all of this easier. She shifted pulling the covers off and moving to sit on the edge of the bed. The moonlight shone off her hair and illuminated her soft skin.

He clenched his fists as the memory of touching her raced back to him. His desire to take her into his arms again was burning in his gut. He couldn’t do that. Could he? Did she want him to?

“Noah, what’s going on? What’s happening here?” she asked. Her hands were placed on either side of her and her shoulders were slumped. She was studying the carpet below her feet.

Noah took a deep breath. “I guess I couldn’t sleep knowing how I left things earlier.” Speaking the truth felt so good. It was like a weight had lifted from his chest. He was so used to spouting lies to keep people protected. This was the first time he’d told the truth in a very long time. He liked it.

She turned to look at him. “And how should you have left things?” Her eyes were wide, and he could see the fear in them. She was just as worried of getting hurt as he was.

A dam broke in his chest. All he wanted was for Sophia to know the real him. He was tired of hiding behind his fears. Of keeping quiet to protect himself. A lonely life was not a life, and he was beginning to realize that.

“The last thing I want is for you to get hurt. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.” He pushed his hands through his hair as fury exploded through his body at the thought of someone hurting Sophia. He’d failed to protect Judy, and he wasn’t going to fail again. “Judy—” His voice broke as he dropped his gaze. The memory of that searing pain flooded his mind. It wasn’t just a physical pain, but the guilt when he realized that her death was his fault. He should have protected her better.

He took a deep breath and continued. “It was all my fault. I should have kept her safe. We were driving and the explosion happened so fast. I tried to get to her, but I was burning myself.” He winced as the smell of burning skin and hair rushed back to him. “She was stuck. I was stuck. I had to watch her”—he swallowed—“die.” What would Sophia think when she knew the truth?

A warm hand rested on his arm. Shivers rushed across his skin at her touch. He wanted to lean into it. To accept her fully. Every part of him wanted to. Except his head. His head was telling him to run.

“Noah,” she whispered as she stepped into his line of sight. Her wide brown eyes were peering up at him.

He swallowed as he allowed himself to meet her gaze. His heart hammered in his chest as he took her in. Without thinking, he reached up and brushed her hair back. He reveled in the feeling of his fingers sliding through the smooth strands.

“I’m sorry, Sophia,” he repeated. And, oh, how sorry he was. He wished he could go back and fix all the mistakes he’d ever made. People would still be alive, and Sophia wouldn’t be broken because of him.

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