Page 37 of Marrying a Spy

Chapter Twelve

They finished dancing in silence. Noah knew he’d said something to upset her, and he was pretty sure he knew what it was. But what was he supposed to say?

That every moment he spent with her weakened his resolve to leave? How would that be helpful? To either of them. He was here to complete a job, that was all.

And even though all he could think about was taking Sophia into his arms and promising her that he would never leave her again, he knew that was a promise he couldn’t keep. He needed to gain access to James’s boss, and involving Sophia any more in his life was dangerous.

She would only end up hurt like so many other people in his life. And he wasn’t sure he could survive that.

When the song ended, Sophia dropped her hands and turned away from him. He watched as she weaved through the crowd and sat back down on the bar stool. He pushed his hands through his hair as he blew out his breath.

His stomach hurt. His head hurt. And his heart ached. Why was he fighting this? Before he got here, he’d convinced himself that she didn’t want anything to do with him. But every conversation they had, or didn’t have, kept hinting that, perhaps, this was something she wanted.

Sophia being upset that he was leaving could only mean one thing: she didn’t want him to go anywhere.

His heart squeezed at that thought. She wanted him to stay. And every minute—every second—he was around her, staying was becoming his number one goal as well.

He moved over to the bar, but on the other side, away from Sophia. He wanted to get his wits about him before he approached her again. After ordering a beer, he turned and leaned back on the countertop. He watched the couples around him. Some were dancing. Some were getting a little too friendly.

He grabbed his pint and took a drink. Then he set it down and mustered his courage as he made his way over to Sophia and tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned with her eyebrows raised. “What do you want, Noah?” she asked. Her expression had turned stony. Like she was fighting with herself. He took that as a good sign.

“We need to talk.”

She blew out her breath as she shook her head. “I think we’ve talked enough.”

Just as she turned back toward the bar, he grabbed her arm to stop her. “Please?” he asked.

He couldn’t live like this anymore. They needed to talk. Really talk. No more of this almost saying how they felt. He wanted…something. To be close to her? To have her forgive him? He wasn’t sure. But he knew that it was going to be impossible to move forward until this was resolved.

She glanced back at him and studied his face. Then she sighed. “Okay.”

She slipped off the stool and grabbed her purse. He led her outside, where the darkness surrounded them, and the twinkle of the stars above them lit up the sky.

They rounded the corner of the Rusty Barrel. They could still hear the music, but it was no longer loud enough to drown out their conversation.

Sophia leaned against the wall and turned her face up toward the sky. She was waiting for him to start. Which made sense. He was the one who dragged her out here.

“You have to understand, Sophia. I never meant to hurt you.” Just saying the words caused his chest to squeeze. He’d hurt her, he knew that. But that had never been his intention.

She slowly lowered her gaze until she met his. Her eyebrows were furrowed as she studied him.

Not wanting her to respond and weaken his resolve, he continued. “I was a stupid teenager. I was dealing with stuff with my dad, and I felt like I wasn’t good enough for you. So I ran. I threw myself into a world where things made sense. Bad guys were bad. Good guys were good. People respected me. I wasn’t the delinquent from the wrong side of town.”

He pinched his lips together as he thought about what he was saying. He hadn’t realized it until now, but Sophia’s mother had hurt him. She’d made him feel unworthy of her affection. It wasn’t Sophia’s fault, but he’d known that, no matter what he did, her mother would never approve of their relationship.

She parted her lips and her eyes were wide. “Noah, I—”

“I know,” he said. She didn’t need to apologize. None of this was her fault. “I couldn’t make you pick between me or your mom. That wasn’t fair. Besides, I didn’t think I could do the one thing you wanted me to do. I couldn’t stay here.” His voice dropped as that statement settled around them. “I couldn’t be that guy for you.”

When she didn’t respond, he glanced over to see her studying the ground.

Should he continue? “I’m not sure I can ever be that guy for you.” And that was the truth. Sophia deserved someone who wasn’t scared. Someone who didn’t come with the baggage that he did. If staying in this town was what she wanted, then she deserved a guy who wanted the same thing. A guy who could give it to her.

Sure, his dad was gone, and the bitter memories were gone with him. And perhaps, if things were different, he just might be able to stay. But he couldn’t make that promise to her unless he was 100% confident. And if there was any doubt in his mind, then he needed to walk away.

He blew out his breath and turned to lean against the wall next to Sophia. Silence engulfed them as they stood there, side by side, listening to the sounds of crickets and frogs. From the corner of his eye, he saw her wrap her arms around her chest. She was protecting herself. He knew that stance all too well.

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