Page 76 of When to Call a Blitz

“Baby,” I whisper, not realizing what I said until it’s too late.

Wide, green eyes stare back at me, and in an instant they’re narrowed, fresh, angry tears rolling down her face.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” she hisses, pushing my chest.

I grab her arm, but she yanks it away from me, retreating into the house without a word.

“Is Heidi coming today?”

Leo is getting help putting his jersey on over his pads as I lace up my cleats.

“No clue.” I don’t mean for it to come out so aggressively.

Today is an important game. We’ve been away for the last few weeks, and we’re excited to be playing a Sunday night game at home.

Leo’s brows furrow as the corners of hips lips tip down. “Uhh okay.”

I sigh, replaying our argument in my mind once again.

It’s all I thought about the other night. It’s all I’ve thought about all day.

I shouldn’t have let her leave. I should have told her that I want this, because I do.

I should have asked her if I could kiss her.

I should have done everything so much fucking differently.

“I don’t know what to do,” I tell him, leaning back into my locker.

His jaw sets and he looks around the room. “I think you do,” he says quietly. “Trust me, man. I know what this back and forth feels like. But you let me in, right?” He holds my eyes, nodding slightly. “You let me in, and you’ve been my best friend since. I love you, man. But I can’t be the only person who’s there for you. Let her in.”

“What if I start pushing her away again?”

“Go get some therapy,” he says, and I roll my eyes. “Somemoretherapy. For real this time. Take it from me. It helps, but you have to keep at it.”

I consider this. I’ve been to therapy. I went for a long time, actually. But in the end I didn’t do any of the work to really do better. I felt better after, sure. But in the long run it didn’t do shit.

“Hey,” Leo snaps me out of my daze. “You want her. She likes you. Either do you both a favor and cut her loose or choose you. Choose her. Make the decision to be happy.”

I want that for myself.

I stopped going to therapy a couple of years ago when my therapist really grilled me as to why I didn’t want to date. She wondered if I didn’t want to because I was worried about what McKenna would think. If I thought that no one would compare to her.

I was angry at first, and upon leaving didn’t schedule my next session, which gave me the excuse to just stop going. But it was more than that.

Of course I didn’t think she would hate it. I think she would want me to continue on. She would want me to find happiness in life. That’s what she always did. Everything was always about what would make me happy.

But what made me happy was her.

Back then, if I thought about it too long, I do think that may have been the answer. That I didn’t want to replace her.

But years later, I know that there is no replacing her.

I’m still thinking about it as we gather in the tunnel, ready to run out onto the lit up field, the roar of the crowd echoing off the walls around us.

And as we head out and I look around at all the people surrounding me on all sides, I remember that night I put away all of her photos, sticking them in the family room where she could be with everyone.

No one is ever going to replace her. That much is clear. That time I spent with her, the daughter she birthed, will always be precious.

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