Page 56 of When to Call a Blitz

I’ve wanted her so much that I ran away from her in a god damn bar instead of facing her.

But that doesn’t mean I can have her, and it doesn’t mean that I deserveher.Because in reality, whether she knows it or not, she deserves so much better than me and all my baggage, trauma, and hurt.

Heidi licks her lips. “I know that you wouldn’t sleep well at night if you let me in because I know how I love, Emmett. And in relationships I do know what I’m worth. And if you let me in,” she shrugs, “you would be thinking about me.”

“Who’s to say I haven’t been?” I say before I can stop myself.

She purses her lips, her eyes drifting down to mine again. “You would be kinder to yourself.”

My fists tighten.

Heidi shrugs. “All I’m saying is that one day I hope you let yourself be happy. You’re a good guy. You deserve it.”

With that, she places a hand on my chest, pushing me slightly back so she can jump down.

And she’s gone.

I’m left alone in the garage staring at this opossum house, realizing that she’s completely right.

But I don’t think what I think I deserve is the problem. It’s what I think I don’t deserve.

Everyone deserves someone to love them. They deserve everything they put out into the world. I had that once.

What I didn’t deserve is that happiness taken away from me once. No one deserves that pain, and it’s not something that everyone experiences, either.

But I did.

For whatever reason, I did.

I do deserve to find love again. I deserve to live a happy life. But life has already shown its cruel hand once, and I know with certainty that I won’t live through it twice.

And I don’t deserve that.

28

HEIDI

Iwas mostly bluffing, and I can’t tell if he knew or not.

I’m in the car heading home, feeling like I just ran a marathon because my heart is beating so fast.

Emmett deserves the world. And sure, I’ve wished that he would open up to me more since that night on the beach. But I know that the man comes with baggage.

It’s nothing I can’t handle, as someone with my own.

I know what it feels like to lose someone. To feel like you lost a piece of yourself in the process. Like there’s never going to be anything to fill the void.

If there’s someone else who knows even a fraction of what he feels, it’s me.

Sucking down half of my water bottle like my life depends on it, I call Mila from the highway, dodging around all the shitty drivers.

“You okay?” she answers.

“I’m an idiot,” I spit out.

There’s silence. “What did you tell him?”

“You should have seen me,” I look behind me and merge over a lane. “I feel like I was a completely different person.”

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