Page 21 of Nothing Heals Me Like You Do

“I don’t think that it is. At all,” Sienna said. “You’re Justine Blackburn. You’re a fucking legend and I rate you so much higher than the polished, media-trained movie stars this town has produced, even the ones that are gingerly starting to come out of the closet now. You make an actual difference in people’s lives and you’ve been doing it for decades, since long before it was fashionable to be queer-friendly. I have so much respect for that.”

“Thank you.” Was that a hint of pink on Justine’s cheeks? “That’s very nice of you to say.” She took a quick sip of wine. “But I did tell you the other night that I’m no saint. I can be a real selfish asshole, but it’s easy enough to forgive myself because I know why I’m being selfish. It’s harder for other people to understand. People I care about and who care about me.”

“Rochelle did say something about that.”

“I’m glad she told you those things. It saves me from having to tell you.” There was straightforward Justine again.

“I’m acutely aware that I know much more about you than vice versa, but… can you give me an example? Could you, like, tell me about your last relationship-slash-fling?” Sienna turned on her best smile. “I know I’m too curious for my own good, but, please…” She turned up her smile to full-wattage.

“Oh, god.” Justine glanced at Sienna from under her lashes. “I haven’t been in anything serious for so long. I sound like a broken record, even to myself, but I simply don’t have the time. I’ve always felt short on time, but at least I used to have more energy, you know? But now, I feel like I’m constantly out of timeandenergy and I just, um, I guess I don’t put in the effort. That’s what I’ve been told, anyway.”

“What was her name?” Sienna pushed, because she was dying to find out a few salient details.

“Marcy,” Justine said. “She was quite something, but I fucked it up. As usual.”

“Where did you meet her?”

“At a Christmas party at the LGBT Center. I was letting my hair down after another long year and there she was. She caught my eye and I turned on my flirt. We hooked up, went on a few dates and then, yeah, it petered out. I let it because… Well, if my life has proven anything it’s that I can’t do both. I can’t run the shelter and be the kind of attentive girlfriend most women want. Even with Marcy, whose expectations were actually pretty low. But still, she wanted more than I was able to give, and I don’t hold that against her for a single second.” A shadow crossed Justine’s face. “Turns out you can’t have it all.”

Sienna would give a lot to meet this Marcy-with-the-low-expectations, to give her the third degree about what it was like to be with Justine, even if it was only for a short while.

“Are you saying that you want a relationship but your work doesn’t allow you to have one?”

Justine shook her head. “My job is so much more than work. It’s not just what I do, it’s who I am. And it really is who I want to be. I’m willing to sacrifice other things for that, other things that most people would never compromise on, like a long-term relationship.”

“Yet you are a relentless flirt,” Sienna said.

“That I am,” Justine admitted. “Always have been.” Her face went from soft to stern in a split second. “But never with anyone from the shelter, though. That’s a hard no.”

Sienna nodded her understanding. “When was the last time you hooked up with someone?” she asked.

“A couple of nights ago with this really hot chick who’s playing my ex in a movie about my life.” Justine snickered.

Sienna responded with a chuckle of her own. “Beforethatparticular hot chick, I mean.”

Justine didn’t immediately reply but, instead, gazed into Sienna’s eyes.

“A few months ago, I think. I don’t remember the timing exactly, but I remember the woman.” The grin that appeared on Justine’s face ignited a pang of jealousy in Sienna.

“What happened afterward? You just went your separate ways?”

Justine nodded. “She wasn’t interested in anything more.”

“And you?”

“I’m not one to push. Yes, I flirt, but then I’m very happy to leave the initiative with the other party. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea of who I am and what I’m after.”

“What about, um, this… What about tonight?”

“I don’t know.” Justine stared into her bowl of chocolate mousse. Neither one of them had touched dessert. “I don’t know what to make of you, but I’m glad we’re having this conversation. I like talking to you.” She arched up her eyebrows. “But it’s high time to turn the tables again. Tell me what it is you want? You’re how old? Mid-thirties? You must be asking yourself some big questions about wanting a family and all that?”

“I don’t want kids,” Sienna said. “I don’t have the mother gene, if that’s a thing. I figure that if I wanted a child, I would have taken steps to make that happen by now, but I don’t have that need inside me. Not like my sister has, for instance. She has two kids and, fuck, being a mom is hard, right? It’s easy enough to see when I look at Taissa, but she always had that unyielding desire to be someone’s mother. And I don’t.” Sienna’d had enough conversations with her sister about this to understand the fundamental difference between her and her sibling.

“Your honesty is refreshing. I love it,” Justine said. “That kind of clarity is so rare, believe me. I have a shelter full of kids whose parents should have thought twice before having them, because they couldn’t give them the one thing they needed the most, the one single thing they should have in abundance—love.”

Conversation with Justine always, naturally, seemed to flow back to what was at the center of her life: the Rainbow Shelter.

“Good for you that you’re so clear about that and are able to be completely honest about it. It’s still not a given for a woman, even now. I truly applaud you for it.” And then she could come out with the kind of heartfelt compliment that made Sienna’s stomach flutter. “What about relationships? What’s your view on those?”

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