Page 46 of Still the One

“There’s no statute of limitations on betrayal.”

“Okay.” Leila holds her palms up, as though accepting defeat. “If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. I can only tell you what I’ve witnessed since she’s come back in your life.”

“Don’t you think I’ve asked myself all of this over and over again? Because I have and I’ve driven myself mad in the process. Yes, I still love her, or I’ve fallen in love with her again. I’m insanely attracted to her, and I think Jamie is one of the most magnificent people I know, but I can’t bring myself to do it. To take that leap. I simply can’t. I don’t know how.”

“So you admit that you want to?”

“Oh, please, don’t pull the semantics card on me now, Leila. The bottom line is she hurt me too much. We can sit here all night and try to discern the definition of ‘too much’, but all I can tell you is how I feel. I will not put my trust in Jamie Sullivan ever again.”

“Okay.” She lifts her glass. “I’ll be your heartbreak drinking buddy then.”

“Thank you.” I wonder what Jamie’s doing now. Does she have a heartbreak drinking buddy? I’m sure she has plenty. I take a sip of wine. It’s going to take a lot more sips to forget about my heartache for tonight. I’d best get to it.

“Where were you twenty years ago, Alan?” It’s hardly a fair question—and I’m beginning to realize my mind’s a bit stuck on what happened then. “When I needed you to advocate for me with Jamie?” As if I could have just moved on after Jamie told me she slept with Cherry. But she didn’t just tell me—she also left me.

“I did, Mac. I swear to you. For weeks on end, it’s all I did.”

“Oh.” I don’t remember. All I remember, really, is the blinding pain. Pain I didn’t think possible on a purely mental level. “Well, whatever you said to her then, clearly didn’t work.”

“I’m sorry, Mac. For not trying harder and also for losing touch with you. I’m really sorry about that.”

“No, I’m sorry for saying that. It wasn’t up to you to salvage my relationship with Jamie.” Jamie. Jamie. Jamie. How is it possible that, twenty years down the line, my life is, once again, revolving around her?

“But still. I should have been there for you more.” Alan’s very subdued today, almost solemn and not like himself at all.

“I’ll tell you the same thing I told Leila. Yes, I have feelings for Jamie. In fact, seeing her again has turned my world upside down, but I don’t know how to trust her. I don’t know how to get over the essence of what she did to me. She betrayed our love. She made a mockery of everything we had, and we had so much.”

“She did. There’s no doubt Jamie did that. She was a fool and she’ll be the first to tell you that. But twenty years is a long time.”

“That may be so, but I can’t change how I feel.”

Alan looks me in the eye. “God, I’ve really missed you. All this time not seeing you. It really has been my loss and I’m so happy you’re back in my life.”

“Likewise.” Even when he’s being serious, Alan has the kind of face that cheers you up instantly. “I’m so happy for you and Charles.” My own heartache doesn’t prevent me from being happy for a long-lost friend’s romantic happiness. “He’s such a sweet guy.”

“Charles and I are ridiculously happy now, but it wasn’t always like this.” Alan tilts his head. “For me, it was… boom! Love at first sight. Not so much for him, though. He strung me along in the beginning.”

“He did?” I can’t imagine Charles behaving like that. Then again, people behave in all sorts of ways we don’t expect them to.

“Oh, yeah. I mean, he is a catch.”

“So are you, darling. And clearly, he saw the error of his ways.”

“My point is, that love doesn’t exist without pain. There’s always going to be something, big or small. But you’re the one who decides if it’s worth it.”

“I can’t take that risk.”

“Why not? What’s the worst that can happen?”

I scoff. “That she leaves me again, obviously.”

“Sure, but you know what? That’s the same for every other person in a relationship.”

“No way. It’s not the same. Are you afraid Charles is going to meet another guy and leave you for him?”

“It’s not my most pressing concern, but—”

“Of course, it’s not, because that would be unbearable, and you trust Charles. You have good reason to. He didn’t leave you three months before your wedding.”

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