Page 42 of Still the One

“What’s going on?” Jamie and I might not be dating, and she lets me get away with stuff because of it, but she’s not going to let this fly.

“I was just wondering if you’re seeing other people. If you’re looking for the next person to be monogamous with.” I shake my head, telling myself off. “I’m sorry. I’m being a bitch and I know it.”

“For the record, I’m not seeing anyone else. But I think you know that.”

I heave a sigh. “A co-worker asked me out earlier.”

“Someone asked you out?” Jamie’s eyes widen. Was that a crack in her voice?

“I said no, but…” But what the hell are we doing?

“But?” Jamie stops what she’s doing.

“I don’t know. It was a strange moment. It made me think.”

“Did you want to say yes?” When Jamie arches up her eyebrows, they disappear all the way underneath her fringe.

“No, Jamie. Of course not. It just made me question what we’re doing, you and I. What I’m keeping you from saying yes to.”

“Me?” She puts down the bottle of wine she was about to open. “I’m not interested in saying yes to anything that doesn’t involve you. I think you know that, too.”

“Come here.” I open my arms to her, expecting Jamie to throw herself at me again, as she usually does, but she doesn’t.

She leans against the kitchen counter, grabbing hold of it with her hands. “At the risk of upsetting the precarious balance of whatever it is we have, or what you’re telling yourself we have…” Her gaze on me is unwavering. “I wasn’t going to do this, but now I suddenly feel like I have to.” Jamie huffs out some air. “I’m not just falling in love with you all over again, Mac. I’m already head over heels in love with you. I want to be with you. Properly. That you don’t want the same is starting to hurt me more and more. What we do have between us, what you’re willing to give, is no longer enough. I want so much more. I want to take you out. I want to hang out with you and ask you all the questions you don’t allow me to ask because you always have somewhere to be other than with me. Unless it’s for sex.” Her big eyes go moist. “I’m not sure how much longer I can do this, to be honest.”

There it is. The conversation I didn’t want to have, because I knew what the consequences would be. What Jamie is saying is hardly a surprise. I feel myself falling too. I am falling, but the difference between us is that I can stop myself, because I have no choice. I can rationalize myself out of it because I know what she’s capable of, and that will always stand in the way of me falling for her completely.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you more.” I can barely look at her, at the hurt in her eyes because she knows what’s coming. “It’s my bad for letting this drag on so long because I’ve always known it couldn’t be more than this.” She can’t blame me for not being honest with her about that.

“Can you honestly stand here, look me in the eye, and tell me you’re not in love with me?”

“Why does it even matter?”

“It matters a great deal.”

“Even if I were crazy in love with you, we still couldn’t be together.”

“But Mac, don’t you see? We already are.”

“We’re not,” I insist. “There’s a huge difference between what you just said you wanted and what we have.”

“Agreed, but the only thing standing between what we have and what I want to have, is you.”

“Well, yeah. I know. But I can’t change how I feel about you. I can never trust you again, Jamie. You hurt me too much for that. You broke something inside of me. Something that can’t be fixed.”

“Maybe you don’t want it to be fixed.”

“Don’t say that, please.” Tears well behind my eyes.

“I have to say something. Someone has to.” She draws a breath. “I know that nothing I say can make you change your mind. That something inside of you will have to change, but, Mac, come on… we’ve been so intimate. So close. We could have something so beautiful and you’re going to walk away because you’re scared?” Jamie shakes her head. “Won’t you at least try?”

“Scared?” I quickly wipe away a wayward tear. “Put yourself in my shoes and see how utterly petrified you’d be.”

I may have put a piece of my heart on the line already, letting her into my life again, but I can’t give it all to her—not again.

“I know, Mac, but I can’t change the past. It happened. It can’t be undone. But I have changed.” She brings a hand to her chest. “I hurt myself as well and there’s no way I would ever do that to you or myself again. There’s just no way. Can’t you see that?”

“No.” My breath’s becoming ragged. “No fucking way can I see that, and you know why? Because when you left me, you were you. You were the most you that you could be. You were not a different person than you are now. You made the decision to throw me out with the trash once, even though you loved me. Even though you were going to marry me. Even though you knew full well what the consequences would be. If falling in love with another woman can do that to you once, it can do that to you again. That’s who you are. That’s why you don’t commit. You can’t. I’m not going to be serially monogamous with you for a few years only to have you break my heart all over again. That’s not going to happen.”

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