Page 77 of The Love We Make

“But this is who I am. It’showI am. You know this. You’ve always known this. Why are you suddenly acting as though me simply being me isn’t good enough for the two of you anymore either?”

Juan opens his arms to me. “It’s not us you’re not good enough for.” His voice is hoarse. “It’s yourself.”

Again with this bullshit. I’d rather jump in the pool behind me with all my clothes on than step into his embrace.

“Fuck this.” I storm inside. The dogs follow me upstairs. I throw myself onto my bed, but a tantrum isn’t going to change anything. I text Juan and ask them to leave again. I’m not sure whether they will. Clearly, I can no longer predict their behavior toward me.

Time passes slowly and I can hear Juan and Imani downstairs, ignoring my wish to leave me alone. But I can wait them out. Surely, they will realize soon enough that they can say anything to me, except what they just said. I won’t stand for it. What happened to their unconditional support, no questions asked?

There’s a knock at the door. “Nora,” Imani says. “Can I come in, please?”

I want to say yes and no at the same time. I can’t give in to their emotional blackmail, but they are my two best friends in the world. The people that know me best. They can’t just have turned on me completely. There must be another explanation.

“Yes,” I say on a dramatic sigh.

“It’s just me.” Imani closes the door behind her. “Can we talk?”

Isn’t that what we’ve been doing? “Depends. Do you understand why I feel betrayed?”

Imani gives me a look I can’t decipher, while I can usually read her face like an open book. “Can I say something?”

I brace myself.

Imani sits in the armchair opposite my bed. “This thing with Mimi, the reason you broke up with her. I think we both know it’s not about your family or specifically about what Mimi asked about them. That’s what Jay and I meant earlier. You know we would never judge you when it comes to that. You do know that, right?”

“I thought I did.”

“Come on, Nora.”

“What you said about me having parents who pick up the phone when I call was totally out of line.”

“Okay. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I was oversimplifying to make a point and I shouldn’t have done that. Can we let that go now?”

“Just like that?” Is she serious?

“Yes, just like that, because focusing on that is an easy way to not have to focus on Mimi.”

Easy? Sure. “Mimi was a mistake. A temporary lapse in judgment. She proved that to me very quickly, for which I should be grateful, really. Clearly, she doesn’t want… me. She wants to change me, and I don’t want to change.”

“Maybe you should reconsider that.”

“Excuse me?” Did she really just say that?

“I’m your friend, Nora. I love you. I want you to be happy.”

“But I am happy.” At least I was before Mimi St James came along.

“You think you can just brush this off? The fact that you fell in love with someone? That you let them into this place inside you where you haven’t let anyone in for decades? You think you haven’t changed already? Because you have and I’m telling you that it will be very hard for you to go back to how things were before you met Mimi.”

“Not as hard as trying to be the person she wants me to be.”

Imani shakes her head. “You only have to be yourself, Nora.”

“Yeah, right.” What’s next? Call my mother every day?

“The self you are behind this huge wall you’ve put up.”

Not Imani as well. Tears spring to my eyes because I’ve just lost my very last ally.

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