Page 72 of The Love We Make

“Evidence?” What is she even talking about. “No. Things just are how they are, and I’ve made my peace with that.”

“But you have the power to change things.”

“Power and desire are not the same thing.”

“But don’t you want to talk to them? Or at least talk to me about them? I don’t know the first thing about your parents, Nora. There are no pictures of your family in this house.”

“Why are you so adamant on me changing things?” I point from her to myself. “This. You and me, is already enough of a change. I’ve told you from the very start not to expect too much from me, yet you keep pushing. You keep trying to change me.” I shuffle backward, away from her. “This is who I am. If it’s not good enough for you, you’re free to leave any time.” Come to think of it, she should go. Whenever Mimi starts scratching at my surface, she clearly finds something she doesn’t like.

“I’m not trying to change you, Nora.”

“Could have fooled me.”

“I get why Juan and Imani have broken with their families. What I don’t get is what your family has done that makes you want to ignore them.” She holds up her hand. “Please, don’t say that I won’t understand. It’s not a valid argument.”

“Ihaveexplained it to you.”

“Not sufficiently.”

“This is so unfair.” What the fuck is happening here? From blissfully lying in Mimi’s lap to this? “What does it even matter? It’s my business. It’s my past. It doesn’t concern you.”

“It hurts me that you would just shun your family like that.”

“Mimi, you don’t know anything about it.”

“So tell me.”

“I don’t want to talk about this stuff. It bums me out and I don’t have the words for it.”

“I know it’s hard, Nora. I get that. But sometimes, you have to do a hard thing. All I’m asking is that you try and explain it to me so I can begin to understand. That’s all.”

“Oh, really? Because two minutes ago you were asking me to call them.”

“Let’s just start with you trying to explain.”

“I don’t owe you an explanation! What the fuck?” Every cell in my body screams no—I’m not doing this. I’m not being manipulated into this. “First, you think I should work out less. And I see how you look at me when I refuse to eat something. Now you want me to call my parents, because it hurts you in some inexplicable way. What’s next? Hm? Basically, you want me to be someone else—someone I’m not.” This is spiraling out of control quickly. I can see it happening, but I’m powerless to change it. I jump out of the couch. “I made myself vulnerable for you already, Mimi. I have—” The power to string a coherent sentence together swiftly escapes me. “This is why… I don’t do this. Why I don’t do relationships. This is exactly fucking why. Forget it. I’m done. Go. Please. Just go.”

Mimi gets up. She walks to me and takes my hands in hers. “Nora, take a breath, please.” She tries to look me in the eye, but I can’t look at her now. “Remember how this conversation started? We both knew it could go this way and it’s okay. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”

I so wish that were true, but in my head, the next few moments are unspooling already. I can already see her walk out of the door, never to return. I can taste the relief that will wash over me when she does.

“It’s not okay,” I manage to say. “It’s really not.”

“Remember what I said?” Mimi’s nothing if not persistent. “I love you, Nora. I only want what’s best for you.”

“That might be so, but you clearly have no idea what’s best for me. You think you know, and you think you can start judging me just because we’ve been sleeping together for a couple of weeks. And fine, judge me all you want, but if this is how it’s going to be, I’m out.” I pull my hands free from her grasp.

“I’m not judging you. I’m trying to help.”

“Help with what? I don’t need your help.” I most certainly don’t need this. The barbed wire around my heart that Mimi so patiently, so carefully, dismantled is back. She can only hurt herself now, whatever she tries next. “I don’t need any of this.”

“Come on. Please. Be reasonable,” Mimi pleads. The confidence in her glance is being replaced with hurt, with the dawning that, even though she tried to go about it gently, even a bit whimsically, it has all backfired.

“I am difficult. I know this about myself. There are things I do and things I don’t do. Things I don’t compromise on, for anyone. That includes you. Clearly, this is a problem, because you’re already trying to negotiate with me. And I get it. I wish I wasn’t like this either, but I’ve had to accept it about myself. And sure, you may think you love me, but guess what? You don’t. You love some version of Nora Levine you wish I was. Just like everybody else.” And that’s how it always fucking is. “This…” I awkwardly wave my hands about my body. “Is not a lovable person. Now you know.”

“Don’t say that about yourself, Nora, please.”

“I made a mistake. I thought I could do this because you’re just so… kind and loving and…” My voice breaks, but I continue. “But I can’t do this. I’m done putting on a show for you. I want to be alone.”

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