Page 41 of The Duet

“You know how I feel about Lana. You’ve always known. You’ve known for fucking ever, yet you… you go and do that.”

“Jess, come on. It’s not like that.”

“Tell me to my face that you’re not sleeping with Lana.” She stands right in front of me.

I back away a little, slamming the door of my dressing room shut behind her.

“Tell me,” she demands.

“We slept together once.”

“Oh, fuck.” Jess’s eyes go moist. “Oh, Cleo.”

“I didn’t do it to hurt you,” I say, my voice a little ragged. “Lana, she’s…”

“I can’t believe you slept with her.” Jess starts pacing.

It’s not exactly something I did on my own, I want to say, but that would only make things worse. I’ve never been in a situation like this before and I don’t know what to say to make things better. In fact, I don’t think I can actually make things better for Jess. Only she can do that.

“I told her how I felt about her.” Jess buries her face in her hands. “I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot. She’s Lana Lynch. She tends to have that effect on people. Present company included.”

Jess takes a deep breath, then drops her hands. “I know I’m overreacting. I’m fully aware of it. I just feel so… inexplicably hurt.” She purses her lips. “It’s probably jealousy. Damn it. I’m so jealous of you. Honestly, when I saw her take you in her arms like that, I thought my heart would just give up.”

“I’m so sorry, Jess.”

“I know I have no right to ask you to not get involved with Lana. My head knows it.” She taps two fingers against her temple. “My heart, not so much. Argh.” She shakes her head. “I don’t know whether to hate you or admire you right now.”

“Oh, Jessie. Please, don’t hate me.” I tilt my head. “Come on.”

“I could never hate you. You’re Cleo,” she says, as though that sums it all up, but I know what she means. “That doesn’t mean this will go down easy with me. I’ve adored Lana for so long and to see her with you now, that is just… That’s going to take some serious processing. That’s going to take some time.” She finds my gaze. “Is it serious?”

I hold up my palms. “I don’t know. It’s truly impossible to tell at this point.”

“But she likes you.” Jess shrugs. “Any fool can see that. Any fool but me.”

“We’re on tour. We’re on stage together every other night. It’s intense. But neither one of us knows whether it can ever be serious, or real, even.”

“That duet. Don’t get me wrong, it kills, but… I’m so jealous of you and Lana up there when you sing together. It’s everything. It’s so intoxicating. So good. I can’t even say anything bad about that. It’s like you’re made for each other on stage.”

I might as well take it as a compliment. I get a feeling they will be scarce coming from Jess for a while.

Our show’s almost done and while it’s never exactly the same and lesser shows come with the territory, it’s just not coming together tonight. Jess’s drum beat seems to be a fraction of a second late, throwing Tim off as well. And I’m suddenly too aware of Tessie in the wings, mooning over Daphne.

While I can accept that it’s sometimes going to be like this, I also must take responsibility for it. The band’s not on it tonight and it’s my fault. Jess is hurt. Daphne’s in love. And Tim can only do so much when that special something that we have between us when we play is absent.

Before we launch into our final song, I turn around and make eyes at my bandmates, trying to spur them on to do better, to make an impression on this venue full of people who aren’t even here to see us.

Tim gives me a nod. Daphne winks at me. Jess hides behind her drum set.

As I wait for Jess to count us down, I conclude that it would have been easier to go on our own tour, as our own headliners. No inter-band relations to take into account, and a crowd eager to see us play every time.

I sing the first verse and glance to my right. Lana has turned up next to Tessie. Then I know that I wouldn’t have missed this tour with The Lady Kings for all the money and fan adoration and peace of mind in the world. Because later tonight, I’ll be singing with Lana again, and after that, when we’re back at the hotel, I will go to her room and she’ll make everything right again.

Lana smiles at me. Does she know I have feelings for her? Even if Billie didn’t tell her, she should know. She’s the one who opened her arms to me, inviting me into her embrace. Lana’s the one who no longer wanted to play it cool, the one who wanted to hold me close against her for everyone on the tour to see. Maybe that’s what’s thrown me the most. Beneath her cool, sometimes aloof exterior lurks one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Of course, I have feelings for her. I smile back at her and instead of being annoyed with my fellow band members, I sing for Lana. I pretend that the audience in front of me is filled with versions of Lana and I sing to them. For the first time since I walked on stage tonight, I feel like I’m good at what I do again.

“That was not okay,” Tim says once we’ve gathered for our habitual post-show debrief. “We did not give a good account of ourselves out there tonight. What’s going on?” He looks at Jess. Bass and drums are one package. When one of the two is off, the entire backbone of the band is off.

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