Page 25 of Allison

“You’ve cried over dad dying?” Amber’s cracking voice comes over the line.

“Yeah, sis. I have, but mom was in a bad place and there were things that had to be taken care of, so I had to push it aside and be a man.” He can’t believe he is telling her all of this. He’s supposed to keep all this shit to himself, but knowing she thinks he doesn’t care guts him. He needs her to understand. He cares more than she can imagine, but he can’t let his grief show or it will consume him.

“Fu— Fudge, Russ, I never thought about it like that,” Amber’s voice has softened. “I thought you didn’t care that dad died. You came here bossed everyone around, then you went back to the Marines, and everyone just went on with their lives. Mom and I were the only ones who seemed to care.”

“Why would you think I didn’t care?” Worm is thoroughly confused by this.

“You never cried, Russ,” Amber accuses, “not even at the funeral.”

“I…I did, Amber, but I made sure none of you saw me,” Worm admits. “I was trying to be strong for all of you. You guys were so broken up, and mom couldn’t deal with any of it.”

There was so much more he could say, but he didn’t want Amber to have the burdens that he’d been carrying. He and Leigh had had to plan the funeral by themselves. At first his mom hadn’t wanted to believe her husband had died. She’d kept saying they had the wrong person, that his ID had gotten mixed up at the hospital. Then when she’d had to accept it, she’d shut down, unable to make any decisions, refusing to get out of bed, to eat, or even bathe the first couple days.

Worm had gone to identify the body at the hospital. Later, he’d taken her to see his father at the funeral home for viewing before the public had arrived. She hadn’t wanted to go, but he’d convinced her to go for the girls’ sake.

When they arrived at the funeral home, Worm had asked to leave the girls with the funeral director’s secretary while his mom viewed the body. His mother had been determined to prove him wrong, but when the funeral director had opened the lid of the casket, she’d lost it. She’d thrown herself over his dad’s body and wailed heartbreaking sobs. Her body had shaken so hard. He’d had to hold her up until he could get her to a chair. The sounds still haunt his dreams. Amber doesn’t need to have those memories.

“I didn’t know, Russ,” Amber says softly. “You always seemed so angry. I thought you were mad because you had to come home, that you didn’t really want to be there, but you had to be.”

“God! Amber, I love you guys more than anything. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, but I made a commitment to serve,” Worm says, regret in his voice. “Dad drilled into us to finish what we started, to keep our word, even when it’s a hardship.”

“Yeah, he never wanted us to be quitters,” Amber agrees, sadly. “I understand now, Russ. I’m sorry I’ve been such a pain in the ass.”

“Language,” he says, with a bit of a chuckle. “I’ve thought about turning in my papers and coming home?—”

“No! Don’t do that Russ,” Amber exclaims, “not for me. You love your job. I don’t want to be the reason you’d give it up. It’s just…”

“It’s just what?”

“I just miss him s-so much,” Amber sobs. Worm would give anything to be able to hold and comfort her. “I never got to apologize. I was a brat that m-m-morning before he left.”

“Oh, sis, Dad knew you loved him,” Worm assures her. “He loved all of us, no matter if we argued or disagreed. I can’t even remember what my last words were to him. I hadn’t talked to him in several days…when it happened.”

“I was already at school,” Amber murmurs. “Leigh came and picked me up. When we got in the car, she lost it. I thought she’d lost her mind. I couldn’t understand her at first, and then when I did, I didn’t want to believe her. I yelled at her and called her names.”

Worm doesn’t know what to say to help Amber. “She didn’t yell back,” Amber finally whispers. “That’s how I knew she was telling me the truth.” Worm’s eyes are stinging. He blinks hard to keep from crying himself.

“I’m sorry, sis. I wish it had never happened.”

“Me, too,” Amber says. “So, how do you manage to keep it in? You never lash out at the rest of us like I do. I don’t want to be so mean, but I just get so angry. It’s like I lose control and mean shit just spills out.” Worm sighs, realizing there’s no point in scolding her for cursing again.

“It’s not good to keep it all in,” Worm answers, honestly. “I work out a lot. It helps clear my head and get out my frustrations. I talk to a counselor, too.”

“You do?” He can hear the astonishment in Amber’s voice at his revelation.

“Yes. I’ve been talking to one since I’ve been on the team,” Worm tells her. “At first, I only went when they required me to after a deployment, but when dad died, I realized I needed more. I saw one weekly for a while, now it’s usually only once a month.”

“Sadie and Leigh go,” Amber says, “and Mom did seem to get better when she started going. You think I should go, too?”

“It won’t hurt to try,” Worm begins hesitantly. “If it doesn’t help after a few sessions, then we can re-evaluate and try something else.”

“Alright, Russ. I’ll go if you think it will help. I don’t want to be the reason Mom gets worse again.”

“I’ll make the arrangements,” Worm replies, feeling relieved. “If you ever need to just talk, Amber, call me. I’m here for you. I might not be able to talk right away, especially if I’m on deployment, but I promise, I’ll call as soon as I can. I love you, sis.”

“I love you, too, Russ,” Amber says, sounding a little more upbeat than when their conversation began. “Thanks again for looking out for us. I’ll try really hard not to be a burden and make things worse for you anymore.”

“You’ve never been a burden. You’re my sister. I’m proud to be your brother, and I would move heaven and earth to take care of you,” Worm says. “Now, be good. I need to go, but we’ll talk again soon, okay?”

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