Page 14 of Shielding Aubree

As soon as the world stopped swimming around her, she looked up at Henley. "I came here to get help. For my body and my memory, but I can't see how I'm going to get that help if I don't show up."

"Well, we can start our first session right here."

Aubree lifted a brow. "Really?"

"Of course. I have some time before my next in-office session so we can get a good start now."

Aubree nodded, grateful for Henley's demeanor and understanding. "Okay."

"Why don't you tell me why I found you in your bathroom this morning?"

Aubree tensed up, not sure what Henley would think if she admitted just how little rest she'd had the night before.

"When the accident happened. Was it night or day when you woke up in the car?"

"The first memory I had was at night." Aubree felt as if the word had been pulled out of her throat. "I couldn't see anything,but the air was cool around me even though my skin felt a little like I was on fire."

Silence followed her words and Aubree looked at Henley, seeing the concern on her face.

"What... What's wrong?"

"Do you always make yourself small? Your emotions? Your experiences?'

Aubree's instinct was to blurt out a NO.

To smile and wave off the question.

To look Henley in the eye and tell her that everything was okay.

That she was just fine.

"You don't have to minimize your feelings, Aubree. You don't have to feel anything little. You can give yourself permission to feel things full strength."

"I remember," Aubree's voice felt soft and gentle rising from her throat. "I remember hearing my mother tell my father that she was okay, but I could see pain in the lines of her face." The memories were floating to the surface. "I think she was in labor with my younger brother Pablo, but my older brothers and my dad were heading out with the Boy Scouts for camp.

"Of course, she had to pack food for them, for the drive.

"The boys were always looking forward to the things she'd pack and my dad, too, but he let my brother beg and plead for them, knowing my mom wouldn't let them down.

"I remember watching her wince and melt away. She'd fan herself with the packing list that she'd gone over two or three times."

Aubree could hear the relief in her voice, but there was still a sadness that had settled inside her as she remembered the scene in their kitchen.

"When my father asked her how she was feeling, she'd smiled at him and told him she was just a little uncomfortable. And thatshe'd sit down and relax after they'd left for camp. He placed a kiss on her forehead before nudging my brothers out the door."

"We can minimize our pain sometimes to make it easier for others to go along with their lives. We think we're making it easier for others to be around us, but sometimes we shortchange them. And sometimes we assume that they wouldn't choose to be around us if-"

"They think that we're more trouble than we're worth."

Aubree murmured the words, and it took a few seconds before she could lift her gaze to look at Henley.

"But what if we're really just trying to spare them concern or pain?"

Henley looked off to the side and nodded slowly. "That is a valid question, isn't it?"

It took Aubree a second to agree before she froze and shook her head. "I was doing it again."

Henley smiled as she shrugged. "Maybe. But what if you were? Did you mean it? Or were you doing it to spare my feelings? To make me think that my feelings are valid."

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