Page 53 of And They Had a Great Fall

Linda started, “Honey, you have to let go of all this. I see you working so hard at life. You can’t control every little thing to keep bad things from happening. Bad stuff happens. Unfair things happen. People die before they should. Life is the ultimate mess and if you try staying clean, you lose the joy of that mess.

“I look at Becca,” she mused, “and she approaches everything with anticipatory joy. She finds every little nugget of happiness that can be extracted out of the day. She is so much like Ben. You know, people thought he was fearless because he was a firefighter, but I saw that he was fearless in how he lived his whole life. He pursued joy with abandon and never thought twice about taking a risk, whether physical or emotional. Look at the two of you. He met you and married you after a few months. He didn’t think about if it made sense.”

“Look where it got him,” Kat quipped.

“It got him a wife who adored him and made sure his final days were filled with love. It gave him a daughter, and he got to experience the joy of seeing her take her first breath. Kat, Ben’s fate was sealed when the cancer took hold of his body, and that would have happened with or without you in his life. Yes, we thought he was nuts when he said you two were getting married, but if you hadn’t, think of what his life would have been. He would’ve died without meeting the love of his life and seeing the birth of his child. He would have died only a son. Instead, he died as a husband and a father.”

“It just isn’t fair that he died,” Kat said. Kat felt a lightness take over her body.It feels good to say it, she thought. “It kills me that he isn’t here to watch Becca grow up.” Kat stopped talkingas her voice broke. She couldn’t choke out the thoughts coursing through her mind.He would’ve loved dragons and fairy forks. He’d be better at this than me.

“It isn’t fair,” Linda said, breaking into Kat’s thoughts. They were silent, and Linda let out an audible sigh. “We’ve never talked about Ben’s death, but I want to share with you what he told me when he stopped chemo. I wouldn’t recognize it then, but our time with him was measured in days, not weeks.

“He said to me, ‘Mom, I’m sad I’m dying. I’m not afraid, but I’m sad. But I’m not sad about the life I’ve had.’” And with that, Linda’s voice broke. “Kat, he wanted Becca to know the day she was born was the single best day of his life. He wanted us to know her and love her the way that he couldn’t. He asked us to tell her stories about him so she could feel connected to her dad. I think we’ve tried to do that.” Linda paused and Kat nodded.

“You’re wonderful with Becca,” Kat started. “Ben would be very happy.”

Kat watched Linda fight back tears. Linda took a drink of water and continued. “Kat, he also told me something else. I remember the exact phrase,” she said, her voice breaking once again. “‘Don’t let Kat hold on to me for too long. She’s nothing if not determined.’”

Despite herself, Kat choked out a laugh. She could hear his voice in her head, and he was right.

Linda continued, “Ben wanted you to have a happy life. He told me life was too short to live with the dead, and he was afraid you’d do just that.”

Kat couldn’t get any words out. It was just like Ben to know she’d hold on so hard that she’d stop living the day he died. Although technically still breathing, the person she was died that day, too.

“Now it’smyturn to apologize. I’m sorry I never told you,” said Linda. “I saw you struggling and thought if I just supportedwhen you asked, I was doing enough. But I realize now, he was telling me there would be a day when you would want permission to love again. Kat, of course you don’tneedpermission, but if you’re feeling any guilt and shame about falling in love with someone new, don’t. You’ve always had permission to love again and to fully live your life.”

Kat wiped the tears from her eyes. She was surprised she had any tears left. “Thank-you for telling me,” she said. She realized she had been holding her breath ever since Ben had taken his last. She hadn’t known it, but shedidneed permission to live after Ben. She’d stopped living that day, focused only on the passage of time through the lens of Becca. Her happiness no longer part of her equation.

At least until Jake. He’d made her feel again. And then he’d broken her.

Linda reached over to take her hand. “Frankly, once I got over the surprise, I couldn’t stop smiling. Running off to Copenhagen for a secret love affair? Ben, always the romantic, would’ve loved that. You’re more like him than you think.”

Kat gave her a half-hearted laugh. “Well, it’s over. So, it’s not quite the fairy tale, it might seem.”

Linda sighed. “I’m sure you had your reasons, and you don’t have to explain them to me. But looking at those pictures, it’s clear there was love and there was joy. And that’s never a waste.”

chapter twenty-two

Kat sipped her second cup of coffee as she got Becca ready for the day. The extra caffeine was clearing the fog of jet lag from her brain. After a few days upstate, in the cocoon of Ben’s parents, Kat was ready to face the office today. She’d heard from Emily that the rumor mill was in full force. People were having a lot of fun at her expense. Her hands shook as she buttoned Becca’s shirt. Concentrating on each button to focus her mind, she took a deep breath and blew it out slowly.You can do this. You’ve handled far worse, she told herself.

Once dressed, Becca ran down the hallway toward the kitchen. Kat followed behind and called out, “I have a surprise breakfast for you. This is your last Monday of preschool! Next week, kindergarten!”

Becca beamed and scrambled into her chair where Kat had placed a white bag at Becca’s spot—a breakfast Kat had ordered to be delivered earlier that morning. It wasn’t the usual Greek yogurt and berries, but something new.

“Momma, what’s this? Can I open it?” she asked. Kat looked over her coffee cup, nodded and watched as Becca’s small hands tore open the bag straight down the middle like she was ripping open the most exciting present.That’s one way to open it, she thought, laughing to herself. Becca pulled out the foil-wrapped sandwich like a treasure and peeled back the layers to reveal abagel with egg, cheese, and bacon. The cheese was dripping down the side, and as Becca took a bite, gooey cheese fell on her arm. She giggled. “Yum!” she said. “Momma, I love bacon. Why don’t we have bacon every day?” she asked.

Kat started to explain why she didn’t let Becca eat bacon every day, but she stopped herself and a smile came to her lips. “We should have bacon more often!”

Becca flashed her a grin and two thumbs-up, and Kat let out a laugh. She picked up the other half of the sandwich and took a bite. The sensory memory of sitting in the small kitchen of a temporary apartment in a foreign city hit her with such force she had to blink back tears. God, she missed Jake. She didn’t want tomisshim. She wanted tohatehim. She struggled to reconcile the complex emotion of anger and longing.

When they arrived at Becca’s preschool, Kat signed in at the front desk. Becca dashed in already chattering with her teacher.

“No run today?” asked the young girl at the front desk. Kat furrowed her brow, but then realized she was dressed for work instead of her usual run through the park.

“Oh, right. Yes, not today,” Kat said muttered.

“Hey, I don’t mean to be awkward, but I have to tell you, I’m a big fan. Of Jake, I mean, Jake Laurent. Sorry. But I would kick myself if I didn’t say something to you …” she rambled. In the past seventy-two hours, Kat had been stopped more times than she’d ever imagined possible for interactions that were all versions of the same. Innocent but unnerving all the same.

Before she could respond, a woman approached her and held out her hand. “Hi Ms. Green, I’m Lena, the director. Do you have a minute to talk in my office?”

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