Page 44 of And They Had a Great Fall

His ask was fair, even if it wasn’t easy. He had been open with her about all the parts of him—the good, the messy, the selfish—and she owed him some honesty. She took a deep breath and began the narrative of the best and worst years of her life.

“Before he got sick, he was a firefighter,” she started. “I met him when I was still at NYU. It was the last year of my MBA.”

Kat had been a resident adviser and there was a small fire—a smoking bag of popcorn left too long in a microwave. It wasn’t a real fire, but enough to set off the smoke detector and make a jumpy freshman pull the fire alarm. The entire dorm had evacuated and stood outside in their pajamas on a cold February night. A fire engine arrived, and a rookie fireman was sent to investigate the “non-fire” fire. Part of her duty as the RA was to be the leader/spokesperson whenever any potentially dangerous situation arose.

The rookie fireman was Ben. Even though it had been a very straightforward non-fire fire, he was thorough in his investigation. He interviewed six different people in the dorm. Kat accompanied him for every interview, each time reminding him that theyknewit was Casey Nova that left the popcorn in the microwave. He’d lectured the entire dorm on fire safety and asked that appropriate cook times be posted in the kitchen.

Later that night, Kat emailed Ben all her notes from every single interview in case he’d needed them, along with her version of the event. He’d emailed her back five minutes later. Her notes were so detailed, he’d no longer needed to write the report. His shift ended at 10:00 p.m. As a thank-you, he’d offered to buy her a drink. She’d said yes.

Jake murmured, almost to himself, “He was a firefighter, wow. Badass.”

“He was, but also more sensitive and introverted than he appeared.” She smiled, remembering the dichotomy between his appearance and his personality.

Ben’s thick head of brown hair, beard, and host of tattoos made people believe he was intimidating, but he’d been the most calm and gentle person Kat had ever met. Ben had had an intense, internal need to take care of people. She’d been instantly smitten.

Their relationship happened fast. On their third date, she’d found herself crammed in an Irish pub on 11th Street. They had been out with the off-duty members of his precinct. It had been hot and loud, with cheap beer flowing freely. He had wrapped his arms around her, shielding her from the boisterous crowd. The entire bar had vibrated with energy, and she’d felt so protected in his arms.

His hair had been wet with sweat, and his eyes heavy from too much beer. He’d whispered in her ear, “I’m going to marry you. Just you wait.” She’d chalked it up to his drunken state. But six months later, after she’d graduated, they were married.

Kat paused before saying any more, and before Jake could comment, she said, “Yes, I know it’s not like me, marrying him so quickly, not overthinking everything and creating long timelines.” She laughed at herself. That person, the Kat with Ben, felt foreign to her now.

Jake shook his head. “It makes perfect sense to me, actually, for a person who wanted an umbrella of safety. Firefighter. Solid choice.”

“Right?” she asked, choking back tears. Jake saw her so clearly. Of course, he would understand why she chose Ben. “You know, I was a different person then, and he liked things to be simple. He balanced me in a way that I just didn’t have to … I don’t know how to explain it … didn’t have to try so hard at life.”

She knew Ben would be disappointed in her now—so precise, so rational, tightly controlling every aspect of her and Becca’s life. He had given her the safe space she’d needed. Until he’d gotten sick.

They started walking again, up an incline that made them both breathe a little heavier. The rocks in front of them looked wet and glistening. Jake took the lead, and once he’d hiked up the rocks, he turned and held out his hand to steady her. Once they were both at the top of the hill, Jake continued to keep their hands connected. She was silent, unable to continue. She was wary of arriving at the horrible end of their love story.

Jake spoke, breaking the silence. “When did he get sick?”

Kat knew he wasn’t going to let up until she found it inside her to tell him the complete story. “It wasn’t long after we got married. I’d found out I was pregnant. Honestly, Becca was a bit of an ‘oops.’ I’d wanted to wait a few years, but I think the universe knew that we needed to live fast. Ben had been thrilled. Being a firefighter and a dad had been the two biggest dreams of his life, and within a few years, he’d achieved both.”

Kat had never in her life felt more cherished. During the first trimester, she’d been very sick, and every single thing had made her ill. Ben had also consistently been not feeling well and often had stomach issues. He used to call it “sympathy puking.” As she’d gotten into the second trimester, she’d felt better, but Ben had not. She’d finally convinced him to get checked out. They were going to have a baby, and she’d needed him.

“Stomach cancer,” she said. “Stage four. Out of fucking nowhere. Honestly, I thought he hadn’t felt well from eating all that shitty firehouse food. I had no idea he’d been really sick.” She laughed a laugh that did not hold a hint of humor. “He was twenty-eight. What twenty-eight-year-old just gets stomach cancer?”

She was quiet for a time. “It was aggressive. He didn’t even tell me how much until it got really bad. He’d been determined to fight and said the ‘I’m going to beat it’ bullshit. But I believe he knew. He’d asked his parents for money to get us a good apartment and created a village around me, because he knew hewouldn’t be there.” She knew he’d been trying to take care of her, even in the face of death.

She didn’t know how much more she wanted to—or could—relive. She rarely talked about Ben’s illness. It was easier to compartmentalize and not think about it, and she’d gotten really good at pretending her life with Ben was nothing more than a bad dream.

“So, long story short, we moved next door to your parents when I was seven months pregnant, and Ben was in the thick of chemo. Did I ever tell you how amazing your family was to us, especially once Becca was born? Did you know your dad used to accompany Ben to chemo every Wednesday?” The cancer center was no place for a baby, and Kat wouldn’t leave Becca when she was only weeks old. “Your dad organized poker games during the infusions. He and Ben became very close.” She thought back to how Ben came to find a way to enjoy Wednesdays.

“And your mom. I couldn’t have survived it all without her. One day, she must have heard Becca wailing all morning and knocked on my door. I thought she was annoyed from the noise, but she just took Becca in her arms. She had a magical ability to calm her. She took her over to their apartment and put her down for a nap. After I took a shower and checked on Ben, I went next door. God, I felt like an inadequate mom who couldn’t even care for her own baby. Your mom … well, she just held me. She just let me cry it out that day—ugly, messy crying. I think I cried more that day than at Ben’s funeral. After that, she took Becca nearly every afternoon, not only giving me a break, but also giving Ben and me time together.”

Jake gave her a smile. “No, I hadn’t heard all this, but I did know about the afternoons with Becca. Those I heard about in detail. I never knew how it had started, but I knew my mom loved it. Loves her.”

Kat gave him a weary smile before finishing her story. “Jake,it was horrible to watch someone so strong just wither away. He died right before Becca’s first birthday. I used to be so pissed that he didn’t make it to her birthday. It was a milestone I kept in my head, but the only purpose it served was to disappoint me. Life is cruel and unpredictable. He promised to protect me, and then I had to watch him die. I was mad at him, at the universe, at everything. For a long time.” She paused. “I still am,” she said whispered under her breath.

The one person who had promised to keep her safe had died right before her eyes, and in many ways, she would never get over it. That undercurrent of disappointment clouded her ability to feel joy, and that, more than anything, made her angry.

They walked along the trail for a bit longer. The mist stopped, and sunshine peeked out from behind the clouds, mocking their morose conversation.

Jake cut through the silence. “I remember my mom saying he put up a strong fight, Kat. I’m sure he did everything he could to stay with you, to protect you.”

His statement broke her. The tears came rushing from her eyes, and she finally let them out without shoving them back in. The dam had burst, and the darkness was flowing out. She saw him look over at her with concern on his face, but he didn’t speak. Instead, he stopped and pulled her into a tight embrace. Kat felt the cover of his body cocooning her into the web of his arms. He asked for all the parts of her, and she desperately wanted him to see her, really see her, for the first time. She didn’t letanyonesee how fractured she was inside; only inches into that calm exterior was the messiest of humans.

“I’ve never told anyone, but.…” she paused, considering whether to continue. She decided he needed to know the truth. “At the end, I wanted him to die.” And with that, she buried her face in his chest and let the tears flow. “It was unexplainably hard. He was so sick and getting worse, and I had a newborn who wasso needy. I was suffocating inside my own life. He felt like a burden to us and decided to end chemo early,” she took a shuddered breath, “and I let him. I could have worked harder to keep him with us longer … he could have made it to her birthday. I should have tried to keep him with Becca longer, but I just gave up.”

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