Page 33 of And They Had a Great Fall

Kat was staring right into Emily’s determined face, and she knew she had to share the truth. She felt relieved to talk tosomeoneabout it. Emily, although a colleague, was her closest friend. She didn’t have much time for friends outside of work and at this moment she needed a friend. “Youhaveprobably seen him before. It’s Jake, eh, Jake Laurent.” She stopped talking and watched realization wash over Emily’s face.

“WHAT?” Emily yelled. “Right. Thatishim. I just saw his movie, last Saturday to be exact.Cloud Catcher, I think it was called. God, he looked so hot in that movie.” Emily put her hand over her mouth. “Ugh … sorry. I just called your boyfriend hot. Heisyour boyfriend, right? Wait, how is he your boyfriend?”

Kat felt the unspoken, “But he’s so young, and you aren’t … he’s so hot, and you … aren’t.” It hung in the air like a half-deflated balloon. Emily didn’t say those words, but Kat felt like the question was in her eyes.

“No, no,” Kat said shaking her head. “It’s not like that. You know Jill and Adrian, my next-door neighbors? They are Jill and Adrian Laurent, Jake’s parents. I’ve lived next door to them for years, Emily. He’s here and I’m here, so we’re hanging out.” Just to add extra emphasis, she continued, “I wouldn’t call him myboyfriend.”

Kat had spent countless hours with Emily, but even so, she kept high walls up around her life. Kat wanted to tear down those walls, but she just needed Emily to stick her finger in a crack and pull away the concrete.

“Kat,” Emily started, “I don’t know what you call it, but I heard him the other morning asking you about coffee, and I saw that kiss just now. When two acquaintances find themselves in the same city, they have a lunch or a drink, they don’t stay in the same apartment for ten days.”

And just like that, Kat’s wall came crashing down as she puther hands over her eyes and the words tumbled out. “It’s crazy, right?”

Emily let out a large laugh and a squeal. “I knew it. Oh my God, this is so great, Kat, really!” She paused. “So, youaretogether?”

Kat was not prepared to answer that question. Being unprepared destabilized her, and she felt panic rise in her throat. She searched for an answer that was truthful, sounded smart, and didn’t come across like the confused, scattered human she became when trying to make sense of Jake. She opened her mouth to answer and couldn’t get the right words out, instead stammering, “Honestly, it’s annoyingly complicated, and I don’t know how to explain what we are.”

“Okay. Let’s take a step back. But youaresomething?” Emily asked talking through this as if they were dissecting a work problem.

“I think so, but I don’t know what I want out of this. Emily, his life is so out in the open and mine is so … not. Our lives don’t fit together, and I can’t imagine a day when they will.” There. She finally said it. No matter what this was, it couldn’t be more than a diversion. Anything more would be disastrous. When she envisioned their relationship a few months down the road, she couldn’t find a scenario that worked in their favor.

“But does he make you happy?” Emily asked. “I’m guessing you didn’t fly all the way there because you don’t like being with him.” She scoffed at her own statement.

“Remember, I flew all this way forwork,” Kat said in a tone that sounded overly adamant. “But yes, I do like being with him … he can be wonderful and infuriating in the same day. He’s not easy, that’s for sure.” That was the most accurate way to describe her feelings for Jake. But he also made her feel like her life was more than a series of tasks to be managed. When she turned off her brain, she felt freer and happier than she had for a long time.

Emily shook her head. “Not everything can be simple, but it doesn’t make it wrong.”

“My life, even without him, is too complicated, Emily. I have Becca, and she can’t have a mom who is unfocused. I have this job, which takes up all my time. And if there isanychance I’m still in the running for COO, life is only going to get exponentially harder to manage,” she said. She couldn’t even imagine how they would ever see each other.

“If?” Emily said. “It isn’t an ‘if.’ Will submitted his recommendations yesterday, and he told me you’re the top candidate. Did you think that had changed?”

“I don’t know. The biggest thing I had going for me was this launch, and it got messy,” she said. “Besides that, I’m young, I’m a woman, and I’m just now getting global experience. And even this is minimal. It makes me a weaker candidate, at least to the board.”

“Don’t forget that you have the best reputation for getting things done in this company,” Emily said. “That counts for something.”

“True,” Kat started. “Emily, I’m trusting you. Please don’t say anything about Jake. The last thing I need is for people to see me as anything other than a leader. I’m worried that if people know about us, it will be used against me.” It was tough enough to be taken seriously as a female in technology without everyone thinking about who was sharing her bed.

“Of course,” Emily replied.

“Let’s talk about you for a sec, Emily. Regardless of what happens with me, you are ready for the next level. I am going to recommend you get promoted to the president level in the product or sales organization. I worked on your write-up during my plane ride. It’s the right next step for you.”

Their yearly planning cycle was taking place, and Emily was at the top of Kat’s list for a key leadership position. They hadboth worked toward this moment—Emily through learning and hard work, and Kat through attention and mentorship. She could feel herself beaming through the screen.

“Thank-you. I appreciate your vote of confidence, but now it’s my turn to be honest, ” Emily started. She paused before continuing, “I don’t think I want it … actually, IknowI don’t want it.”

Kat looked at her, stunned. She saw Emily as a mini-Kat, someone who was so much like her. She swallowed hard and stammered, “Wow. Really? Why not?”

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot,” Emily started. “I watch Will, who’s excited to finally spend some time with his wife and children. His children who aregrown, Kat. He missed their entire childhood,” Emily hesitated. “And I watch you. You live for this, night and day. Case in point, you’re in Copenhagen—with Jake Laurent, of all people—and all I’ve seen you do is work.” She paused, and Kat fought the urge to jump in. She physically put her hand over her mouth to keep quiet. “I don’t want to live like that, Kat. I want to live life and work on the side. Not the other way around.”

“Emily,” Kat started. “I didn’t know you felt this way. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” she said. “You’ve been an amazing champion for me since I started, and I’ve learned so much from you. Not just about product logistics, but how to be a strong woman and get your voice heard, how to get others to work together by transparently aligning on goals. And most importantly, how to clearly communicate what you want … which is how I’m finally coming to this. So, thank you, but I don’t want to be promoted.”

Kat leaned in toward the screen, wishing she was there, in person, with Emily. “So, whatdoyou want?”

Emily laughed at Kat’s question. “I don’t know! Don’t get me wrong, I do love my job, but I also want to travel with mygirlfriend. I want to see the Northern Lights. I want to move out of the city someday. There are so many things I want to do, and this place, this job, is just a part of who I am. I don’t want it to be mywhole life. It’s already a lot; I just don’t want it to bemore. So, I just want to stay where I am, if that’s okay.”

Kat couldn’t find the right words to respond. She felt exposed, and she replayed all their interactions in her mind. The weekend phone calls. The late-night emails. She hadn’t shown Emily how to sustain a leadership role without it demanding your entire life. Actually, she didn’t know how to be a leader without giving nearly every moment to PathMobile.I’ve failed her as a leader. I’ve failed myself, played on repeat in her mind.For the first time, she thought about what her life could be without the demands of her job taking priority. She let her mind wander to lazy weekends with Becca and Jake without work taking up permanent residence in her mind. That fantasy filled her with a happy feeling.

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