Page 52 of Out of Control

He sensed there was more of the story to come, but now wasn’t the time to push her. Instead, he returned to the present. “So why, after all those years and after what he did to you, are you back in communication with him?”

Fiona slowly stretched her fingers and slipped her hand from his. Meeko felt oddly bereft and busied himself by spreading butter and then marmalade on his toast. He tried to pretend that he wasn’t invested in what she might say next.

Fiona looked like she was struggling internally.

Please don’t tell me you want to give him another chance.

She took another sip of coffee, her hand still shaking. She added even more sugar and stirred for longer. Then she looked him straight in the eye. “I lost my unborn daughter on that evening. Initially I believed it was the shock of those men turning up, that it was Rob’s fault our baby died.” Meeko was thrown off kilter. “A miscarriage. Twelve weeks into the pregnancy.” Her voice was tight as she delivered these basic facts. “For all of those three months I had a very strong feeling I was carrying a girl. I called her Amber. We were going to announce the pregnancy on New Year’s Day.” Her eyes filled with tears. “Thirty years ago today, both sets of parents were supposed to come to lunch. Rob and I were so excited about having made it through the first three months and finally being able to tell them and the rest of the world. Instead, it was the second worst day of my life. Our parents helped us work out thefinances and how we might manage going forward through all the debt. Mum and Dad brought us an old TV and video from their loft. It was humiliating. I was still wobbly from losing the baby and felt awful dumping all the gambling and debt stuff on them. I was trying to be strong and do the right thing because I felt I should support Rob through his addiction and keep my marriage vows. But in the following months I found I couldn’t live in a constant state of suspicion about what he was doing when he was out of my sight. He’d broken the financial trust I’d put in him — we’d pooled all our money when we got married because it was easier than watching who paid for what all the time. My view was that we were emotionally and physically bound together and therefore our finances should be joint too. I can’t believe how naive I was.”

Fiona paused. Blew her nose. Breathed deeply. Made coffee stains on the white cloth as she removed the teaspoon from the saucer and started to fiddle with it.

“You don’t have to carry on . . .” He tried to calm her fiddling hand with his own. “I shouldn’t have . . .” Watching her pain as she told him what had happened was far worse than thinking that she didn’t trust him. And he was causing the pain by asking her to relive it. It was the last thing he wanted to do.

“In April of that year I told him I couldn’t live like that anymore. He didn’t put up a fight. He knew I could never forgive him for the loss of Amber. I think he understood that he’d lost my trust too. That was the end of the marriage and the point at which I realised that relationships requiring trust weren’t for me. I decided I would never lay myself open like that to anyone ever again. I would rely solely on myself. Because I am the only person I can truly trust.”

So much of Fiona’s personality and lifestyle was now dropping into place for Meeko. He squeezed her hand again and she gave him a tiny apologetic smile as she pulled away to get hertissue. Apart from such quiet gestures, he didn’t know how else to respond to the terrible trauma she’d been through. He wanted to scoop her up and protect her forever from any further horrors. But he recognised that what she needed now was the time and space to get used to having shared such a key piece of her past. She did not need the claustrophobia of being wrapped in cotton wool. She needed him to continue being her friend.

“Does seeing Rob again help in some way?” he asked.

She swallowed and then blinked her eyes a couple of times. “We met by accident at a Christmas do a few weeks back. He said he wanted to do something to make amends. ‘Reparation’, he called it. He’s been a member of an ex-gamblers’ support unit for years and done well for himself in business. He wants to give talks to warn others of the dangers of gambling and he wants me to put across how the families suffer. We’ve met a couple of times to discuss that.”

“Keeping all that pain to yourself for three decades must have been so hard.”

“At least now I’ve had the chance to come clean and ease his guilt over Amber’s death.”

“How do you mean?”

Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. “The hospital staff told me that the miscarriage was probably ‘just one of those things’ and not caused by the bailiffs turning up. But I wanted to make Rob suffer. So I never told him, until just recently.”

Meeko could only imagine the depth of grief that had caused Fiona to act this way. Frustratingly, there was nothing he could do to make her feel better. If only it was as easy as taking a cloth and wiping away the suffering. Her face was anguished but, beneath the emotion, he noticed something else: a more relaxed, open expression, as though finally unburdening herself had broken a barrier in their relationship and built a new bridge of trust.

She blew her nose. “If we’re being open with each other, I’ve got a question for you. Are you still sworn off romantic relationships?”

The question took him by surprise. “Why do you ask?”

She blushed, looked down and started shredding her paper serviette. “After Lynn, you said you were. And then Adele said . . . and Mum said something in passing.”

“I don’t want anewwoman in my life,” he said slowly, looking directly at her and taking care to emphasise the word ‘new’.

Fiona’s cheeks coloured and she dropped her eyes to the table and the remains of her serviette.

Meeko willed her to say something. He’d been as obvious as he dared without actually declaring how he felt — if he did that, and the feeling wasn’t mutual, their friendship would be destroyed forever. She looked up at him. There was no smile, just a confused frown. His heart sank a little.

The waitresses were clearing up around them but Meeko didn’t want to leave. They’d both had assumptions about the other knocked away and the boundaries of their relationship had blurred — but into what, he wasn’t sure either of them knew.

“I’d better go.” Fiona stood up. “I don’t know what catastrophe will have happened at home while I’ve been out.”

“Can’t Joe deal with it?”

“I’m learning he’s not good at that sort of thing.”

Chapter 37

Fiona felt wrung out when she left the hotel. Emotionally exhausted. But there was a swirl of relief as well. Relief that Meeko now knew everything. Relief that she no longer had to keep secrets from her closest friend. And relief that he hadn’t over-reacted. He hadn’t tried to comfort her or tell her all the things in life she should be grateful for. He hadn’t suffocated her with pity. She’d been worried the revelation would change their relationship for the worse. Now there was the possibility it might have changed it for the better. Deepened it.

And there was the weird way that Meeko had looked at her when he’d said that he didn’t want anewwoman in his life. Dangerous but attractive possibilities erupted. But if they boiled over, she’d lose her closest friend as well as a chance at love. Had Meeko considered that? Better to grow old without a life partner but with a close friend, than to grow old without a partner but with a ruined close friendship.

“What’s for lunch?” Joe’s voice tugged her back to reality as soon as she got home. “That was a long run,” he added as an afterthought.

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