Page 67 of Out of Control

Rose stood up, holding her granddaughter, when Fiona and Adele entered the lounge. Fiona felt a stab of jealousy as she saw blood-related grandmother and granddaughter together. How would Dorothea take to their own much-diluted, if any, presence in the baby’s life?

“I’ll leave you two to talk.” Adele disappeared into the kitchen.

The two women sat awkwardly, looking anywhere but at each other. The mysterious domestic angel, Rose, looked tired, tanned and travel weary. She wore no make-up, or if she did it had disappeared during the long hours on the plane and the train. She was ordinary, not saintly.

Rose spoke first. “Thank you very much for all you’ve done for Adele.” She paused and smiled. “I never thought I’d have cause to be grateful to my ex-husband’s girlfriend.”

“Ex-girlfriend, we split up.” He’d only been gone a few days but already his previous importance in Fiona’s life had slipped away. She felt nothing: no regret, love or longing for him, andno negativity towards Rose. Meeko was right: she’d put Joe in one of her life’s compartments without emotional ties. Now she understood why Meeko didn’t want to bend himself into a similar sealed box. He wanted to be, and deserved to be, centre stage in her life. “Didn’t Adele tell you that it’s over? That I asked him to leave? He’s staying with his brother.”

“In that case, I’m even more grateful to you for continuing to let Adele and Natalie—” Rose’s expression softened as she glanced down at the baby — “stay here. Tom isn’t well known for his hospitality.”

“I don’t need gratitude. And Joe living here just didn’t work out.”

Rose nodded. “My friends think he’s Mr Wonderful because they only see him on his best behaviour, pouring wine and entertaining. Ingratiating himself, I call it. The rest of the time he has a habit of assuming the stuff in the house, or even the people, don’t need his input. I tolerated it because I loved him and I didn’t want to work outside the home and I wanted Adele and her brother to have a stable background and . . . I don’t know, sometimes marriages just work even though outsiders might struggle to understand why. But then ours stopped working as the children moved out. I’m not sure exactly why. I still miss him in an odd sort of way. When I’m over the jetlag I’m going to surprise him. Can we keep my arrival here a secret for now?”

“Are you going to take him back?”Please don’t, Rose. You can do much better than Joe.

Rose shrugged. “Sometimes what our soul craves is a purpose in life — feeling needed by other living beings. My family gave me that feeling. And, although he would never admit it, I think Joe needed me too.”

Fiona thought of Dorothea and how she’d come back to life thanks to the recent demands placed on her: Natalie, the yoga class campaign, the baby shower . . .

“You’re right.” But who needed Fiona? Her mother? Meeko? Rob? Adele and Natalie had done. Did she enjoy the feeling? Yes. But only when she loosened the steel band around her emotions and threw her whole self into it.

“Joe’s very malleable — I may have appeared downtrodden but actually I was in complete control of our lives, financially, domestically and socially. Everything. And that made it work. Until we became empty nesters and then, somehow, we lost ourselves in the increased space of our lives. Certainly I lost some of that feeling of being needed and thought the grass might be greener elsewhere. But I think it might work again.”

Fiona was warming to Rose’s honesty. “Did you find yourself in India?”

Rose coloured, looked down and planted a kiss on the smooth forehead of the sleeping baby. “It was an impulse decision and the first time I’d left the country alone. With hindsight, I should have done more research. But once I was there, I needed to prove to myself that I had the strength of character to stick it out.”

Adele put a tray loaded with three mugs of black coffee, milk jug, sugar bowl and the best chocolate biscuits on the low table. There was also a plate of what looked like homemade chocolate brownies. Fiona glanced questioningly at her housemate.

“Beetroot chocolate brownies made with ground almonds. They’re supposed to be healthy. I made them on Sunday morning while you were away. A sort of thank you.”

Fiona pulled the girl into a hug. “You are wonderful!”

Rose was staring at her daughter open-mouthed. “Discovering I had a granddaughter was a shock. And now Ilearn that you are turning into a chef.” She turned to Fiona. “I should hate you but I can’t.”

Fiona tried nonchalantly to shake off the praise but her heart was swelling in an unfamiliar way. These two women had been in need and, somehow, she’d found her way to doing the right thing instead of deciding they didn’t fit any of her labelled compartments and discarding them. She wanted more of this feeling of being needed. The sensation held faint reminders of coming up trumps for her team at work when they hit an obstacle or deadline and being bought a drink, clapped on the back or receiving a bonus. Only this was more important and the feeling of satisfaction a million times better.

“You were telling me about finding yourself?” Fiona turned the spotlight away from herself and bit into one of the brownies with a grand, and genuine, gesture of enjoyment.

“Conditions at the retreat were primitive: cold communal showers, outside toilets, dodgy electricity supply. The food was basic and didn’t always agree with me, or I didn’t agree with it. There was lots of solitude, yoga and mindfulness training. I don’t think I found myself. Maybe I got to know myself a tiny bit better but not completely — we shy away from our bad bits and pretend they don’t exist, don’t we?”

Fiona nodded. “It takes courage to recognise our weaknesses but we can’t move forward without doing that.” She was thinking how much she’d learned about herself over the previous six weeks, and the lovely feeling of those compartments inching open.

“Exactly — we are all selfish, have temper triggers and prejudices, but it takes a strong person to openly admit to them.” Rose paused and took a sip of coffee. “Ooh! That’s got a kick — we had no stimulants on the retreat.” She swallowed. “No, I didn’t find myself, whatever that means, but I did discover what is important in my life. And that is my family.” She smiled atAdele. “Whatever they’ve done.” She glanced down at Natalie. “I missed them like hell. More than I missed my comfortable bathroom or food that didn’t wreck my insides or working light switches.” Rose let out a sigh of contentment. “I want to gather them around me and have what we had before. But this time I hope all of us will appreciate it so much more.”

Adele reached over and squeezed her mother’s hand. “It’s lovely to have you back, Mum, and Natalie is pleased to meet her grandma. She’s never been this quiet for such a long time.” As if on cue the baby’s arms and legs started to curl and straighten as if preparing for a big crying session. “But . . . is it OK if we include Natalie’s grandmother- and great-grandmother-by-proxy in our extended family? You’ll love Dorothea when you meet her.”

“Absolutely. One thing I observed out there is that even a family knee-deep in poverty has love in abundance for all its extended relatives. It adds richness and perspective to their lives. And it takes a village to raise a child, as they say.”

Another layer of tension lifted from Fiona’s shoulders; neither she nor her mother were going to lose this fledgling relationship with Adele and Natalie. The sudden feeling of belonging made her feel calm and loved. Rose might not have found herself but she’d found a way forward with her life.

Rose handed the hungry baby back to her daughter. “I need to find a hotel and get some sleep. The current Airbnb let doesn’t finish for another week.”

“There’s a bed for you here until the house is available,” Fiona offered.

Adele looked at her as if to say, where? All beds are taken.

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