Page 54 of Out of Control

The young mum was in the middle of a feed. “Oh. I just wondered if someone could refill this glass with water for me, please? I swear she’s drinking more now and I forget how thirsty it makes me until we’re part way through and I can’t move.”

Fiona refilled the glass from the bathroom and then perched on the edge of the bed. There was no easy way to say this without causing anxiety. “I’ve asked your dad to move out. He’s gone to stay with your uncle.”

Adele sat up straighter and the sudden movement made Natalie lose her grip on the nipple and she screamed. “Shit!” Adele glanced across at Fiona. “Sorry.” Very gently, she cradled her baby’s head and redirected it towards her breast.

“No, I’m sorry. I should’ve waited until you’d finished.”

“Why?” The younger woman’s face was an expression of panic. “Is it because of me? Do you want me to go? And you do know that Uncle Tom and Dad have never been the best of friends?”

It felt like a diluted version of explaining to a child that their parents were divorcing. “Me and your dad have discovered we’re not the best of friends either.”Tread carefully, don’t assign blame — even though he deserves it.“We’re one of those couples that worked fine when we saw each other once a week, but we can’t actually livewitheach other.”

“Are you still a couple?”

“No. But don’t worry, there is no need for you and Natalie to move out until you are absolutely ready.”

The girl smiled gratefully. “I don’t think Uncle Tom could cope with us in the way that you have.” She paused, and Fiona could tell that she was thinking how to phrase the next part of what she wanted to say. “Will Dad be allowed to visit us here? I haven’t got transport, and it’s two buses . . .”

Fiona hadn’t anticipated this. She didn’t want Joe back in the house. She now knew he was the type to hold a grudge and he wouldn’t hold back on letting her know. But he was still Adele’s father and Fiona couldn’t expect her to lug tiny Natalie across town on two buses in the freezing January weather. “Yes. But please give me warning so that I can arrange to be out. I don’t want to sour the atmosphere for you.”

For a minute they both watched the contented infant suckle. Then Fiona spoke again. “I was pregnant once.”

“What?”

“I had a miscarriage.” She hadn’t planned this moment of revelation. It just seemed the natural next step in her relationship with Adele. “I never told your dad.”

“I can keep a secret.”

“It’s not a secret anymore. Telling people feels like letting the sunshine in.” Then Fiona told her daughter-by-proxy the whole story. At the end, they both had a little cry and a hug.

After that, Fiona was too tired for any further new year, life-changing decisions. Thoughts about Meeko would have to wait. She was looking forward to a good night’s sleep with the whole of the bed to herself. This anticipation confirmed just how much she had given up and moulded herself in order to accommodate Joe.

Adele tiptoed out of the spare room with a finger over her lips. “She’s asleep. Would you like me to cook tea for a change? If you tell me what you had in mind.”

“That would be lovely! There’s haddock in the freezer — how about fish pie? I’ll get you the recipe.”

Adele cooked. Natalie slept. Fiona stripped her bed, turned the mattress and flung the bedroom windows open despite the freezing temperatures. Then she dusted and vacuumed away all traces of Joe from her bedroom. Beneath the bed she found an odd sock and a screwed-up pair of used boxers. They wentstraight in the wheelie bin black bag. The bed was remade with her favourite dusky pink bedding. It felt like a brand-new life chapter, but she wasn’t yet sure of the plot or its characters. The need to talk to Meeko almost overwhelmed her. But, despite that new bond of trust, he might think it weird if she asked to see him without a specific reason. She needed an excuse that would explain why it was him she was contacting to discuss her future.

Chapter 38

Meeko was surprised when Fiona asked if he would give her a proper Tarot reading; she’d appeared unimpressed by the cartomancy before Christmas.

“Joe’s gone,” she’d told him on the phone. “And I’ve got to create my next chapter from a blank sheet. Your cards might not help but I need options. I’ll pay the going rate.”

He punched the air. The toad was gone! Hopefully it had been a positive choice by Fiona to throw him out and not the toad leaving of his own free will. Then rational thought and memories of their conversation the previous day crept in. It had been impossible to discern for certain whether, like him, she felt they could be more than just friends, and if she too tingled with electricity whenever they touched. Plus, there was that big red danger sign in his head, warning there could be no way back to a solid friendship from an unworkable romance. After his loneliness over Christmas, Meeko didn’t want to lose Fiona forever. It would be best to sit tight and be there for her as she worked through things herself.

The immediate problem was the Tarot. He had the cards and he had the books but he hadn’t properly put them together to learn how to read the cards. Having to make every penny count had taken all his brain power. Plus, research had shown him that the internet was awash with Tarot readers — the chances of him making any meaningful money was low. He glanced at his watch: thirty minutes until she arrived. He fed coins into the meter and put the gas fire on full blast. There was only one solution: he would make up the reading to be suitably vague. She wouldn’t believe it anyway — her brain was too logical.

Meeko zoomed around his kitchen and living area, dusting and putting stuff away. He bleached the toilet and wished he had air freshener because now the tiny room smelled like a hospital.He stuffed the used tea towel in the bag for the launderette and put out his slightly smarter spare one. At the same time, he was trying to guess if there was specific advice that Fiona might want.

“Come in.” He’d run down the stairs at the sound of the doorbell. Once in the flat, Fiona seemed about to take her coat off, but then twitched her shoulders and changed her mind. It was obviously colder than she was used to. “We’ll sit by the fire,” Meeko said quickly. “It’s the warmest spot. Keep your coat on until you acclimatise.”

He had the cards out ready. When Fiona was settled with a mug of coffee, he turned over three cards.

“I’m at a turning point in my life.” She looked him in the eye. “There are choices and I don’t know which way to jump.” There was an unspoken plea for guidance. As her friend, he should fabricate a neutral reading to encourage her to consider all options carefully.

Fiona’s gaze was intense, moving between his face and the cards. He tried to formulate a narrative to give meaning to what he saw before him. From his initial reading on the subject, he had an inkling that the three cards were supposed to represent past, present and future. He looked up at her and picked on the left-most card, which showed a ladder of swords. “The Nine of Swords shows that things in the home aren’t running as smoothly as they might.”

“We already know that.”

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