Page 18 of Out of Control

On the way home Fiona’s mind jumped ahead to Adele and what sort of reception might be waiting. Joe was still treating his daughter like a moody teenager and, when he was around, she acted that way. But occasionally, and mostly when they were alone together, Fiona got to see Adele’s potential as a caring young woman. She had read somewhere that you should treat people in the way you would like to be treated yourself. That had to be the way forward. And, inadvertently, Meeko had given her the perfect idea for showing that she empathised with Adele.

“Hi, Fiona.” Adele’s greeting when she unlocked her front door made her jump. The mum-to-be usually stayed hidden away in the spare room unless Joe forced her downstairs at mealtimes. “Sorry if I startled you. You look like your head is in a different world.”

“Hi.” Fiona smiled. Adele was making an effort; this was a good start. “I just bumped into a friend and discovered he’s got himself a new job. As Father Christmas.”

“Cool.” Adele sat down on the bottom stair as Fiona removed her trainers. The young girl seemed to want some company.

Fiona studied her laces. She had to be sure she wanted to do this before opening her mouth. It had the potential to turn her house upside down. There would be an invasion of people, plus a lot of work and organisation. She would be stepping completelyout of her comfort zone and it would be impossible to backtrack once she’d floated the idea. Since the divorce she hadn’t hosted more than a handful of people in her house at any one time.

No, she couldn’t do it. Adele would be gone by the new year; it was pointless to make such a grand gesture for such a short-term relationship.

Then the girl spoke hesitantly. “It’s tough, you know? Coming back home, like this.” She stroked her belly. “Everyone staring at me and not knowing what to say if they bump into me in the street.”

Fiona placed her trainers on the shoe rack, desperate not to say the wrong thing and spoil this moment of connection. She could still make the offer.

“Even your old school friends?”

“Most of them aren’t back from uni yet. It’s their mothers, mostly. Judging me and trying not to be obviously relieved that it’s not their daughter who’s got herself into this mess.”

Fiona needed to put the message across that an unplanned pregnancy could be as much of a positive as a planned and longed-for baby. Her stomach tightened as she remembered how very wanted Amber had been. Then she remembered how good it had felt to offer Adele a place to stay, and the subsequent sensation of allowing light into one of those tightly controlled compartments of her life. Would making another offer be too much too soon? Could she cope with it, on top of retiring and Joe moving in? She looked at Adele’s downbeat expression. A mum-to-be should be looking forward to a bright new future. She shouldn’t be feeling ashamed of her condition.

“Adele, we are going to celebrate this baby.” Fiona surprised herself with the determination in her voice.

“We are?”

“How do you fancy a baby shower? Here. With all your friends. No more shame. You and your baby deserve as good a start as anyone else.”

Adele was looking at her open-mouthed.

“A baby shower with a real, live Father Christmas in attendance,” Fiona went on. This would help Meeko and ensure that she had an ally in attendance as well.

“Yes, please.” Adele’s face was glowing.

Chapter 14

The hurried conversation with Father Christmas meant that Fiona had missed her hotel breakfast. She made tea and toast while Adele was upstairs making initial baby shower plans. Then she reached for her handbag — receipts, shopping lists and other detritus were gathering there. The mess did things to her brain. And she couldn’t do with anything else tangling her mind. It had to be tidied.

But first out of the bag was the envelope from Rob. Even if she hadn’t known it was from him, the handwriting was instantly recognisable from all those years ago. She turned it over in her hands. The flap was properly sealed rather than simply tucked. It was slightly thicker than a simple Christmas card, indicating her mother was right when she said there was a letter in there as well.

“You’re not just telling me you’re in town, are you, Rob?” she said in a whisper. “There’s more to it than that.”

She left the envelope on the table with her name facing upwards and made more tea. Her mouth had gone dry and her stomach no longer wanted the last piece of toast left on her plate. She should tear up the envelope without looking inside. Whatever he had written would bring everything back and push her once again into that big black hole. She’d pushed him away once and she had to stick to her guns.

Whenever she thought about her ex-husband the word ‘betrayal’ jumped into her mind. And it wasn’t just the betrayal of gambling away their financial future. It was the way he’d gone against her wishes in the days that followed too. She’d expressly told him not to inform their parents about the miscarriage, but it had been water off a duck’s back.

The hospital had discharged her early on Christmas morning.

“You’re in no fit state to cook Christmas dinner for our families,” he’d said. “Our mums will be happy to do it between them. I’ll tell them why.”

“No! They don’t need to know. I don’t want other people in my kitchen using my stuff. I’ll manage with your help. You can tell them I’ve got a stomach upset but will be doing the best I can.”

“But why?”

“I don’t want people to see me differently to the way they did yesterday.” It had been hard trying to put into words exactly how she felt. “I don’t want everyone to know I failed at pregnancy as well as at being a wife.”

“You haven’t failed at either.”

“Yes, I have. If this was a good marriage, why would you gamble away our future? And for now, we say the suite had a fault and has gone back for repair. Bring down the two armchairs from the bedroom and fetch the padded garden chairs from the garage.”

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