Page 56 of Waiting for a Bright New Future

“Your dead sister’s personality changed? She’s the one you talk to?”

“Yes and yes.” It was getting increasingly difficult to put things into words. Stuart didn’t fully understand what went on in the far corners of his mind. “She started off as an imaginary friend, like most children have, but mine had some foundation in reality. Unlike most children, my imaginary friend didn’t go away. Plus, talking to Sandra was one thing I could do to please my mother.” Stuart paused. “And Sandra was a crutch to me when Mum died. Then, as a teenager she was my sounding board. Especially when girls were a mystery and I needed to work out how to ask a girl on a date or how to move in to kiss her. Then when I was caring for Dad, I was isolated. He was often asleep. Talking to Sandra was my way of coping and letting off steam. Some days she probably saved our father from physical violence.”

“How did she change?”

Stuart became aware of a growing feeling of lightness as he talked. When said out loud, his secrets became less dark and less threatening. “She stopped being a goody-goody and became more combative. More argumentative. As though she’s fed up with me and how I behave. She’s trying to push me towards a brighter future. And she thinks she knows me better than I know myself. Which is annoying.”

William appeared to contemplate this statement. Stuart’s hour was almost up and he wanted to leave. He wanted to escape to the comfortable greyness at home. The argument with Florence, her departure this morning, baring his soul to William; he was exhausted.

“Have you finished with your mug and plate?” The quicker he got cleared away, the quicker he could sink back into his invisibility.

Only you’ll never be able to do that again, will you? Not now you’ve had a tiny taste of what life in the outside world is all about. Now that Florence and Jayne have opened your eyes to what goes on beyond your own four walls. Now that you’ve started to stand up for yourself a little bit. Now that you’ve been put on the rota to lead club rides.

“Sandra exists only in your imagination.”

“Yes.”

“So, if Sandra’s changed, doesn’t that mean that, actually, it’s you that’s changed?”

Stuart frowned. Cold logic meant, yes, it must be him that had changed. But inside he still felt the same. He wasn’t a burgeoning butterfly about to break into a beautiful flight. He was still a nondescript caterpillar shuffling along.

“There’s no other explanation, is there?” William persisted. “Maybe through the Sandra of your mind, you can better articulate your desires.” He popped the last pink square of Battenberg into his mouth and Stuart escaped.

* * *

At home Sandra was silent. Usually he only had to call her to mind and there she was. Now, without her, he was completely alone. He felt uneasy. He paced the house unable to settle, he looked at his watch and decided he could just catch the club’sRetired Afternoon ride.

“Stuart! How’s your girlfriend enjoying the bike?” Mike was grinning expectantly. “Mavis would be pleased to know it’s gone to a good home.”

“It’s good. All good. She just needs a bit of practice with the traffic and that.” It was a white lie. After Mike had given him the bike for free, he couldn’t say that Jayne had shown no further interest in cycling.

“Bring her along to the Sunday ride one week.”

“That’s difficult. She’s got her mother to consider.”

“What a shame. Just as you find freedom, a different lock clicks closed.”

Stuart was relieved to see the front of the group begin to move off and no further comment was necessary as they all followed, negotiated the roundabout onto the main road and settled into place. Everyone else on this ride was at least ten years older than him and the pace and terrain was sedate rather than physically challenging. They left town and followed B roads, riding past golden fields, muddy entrances to farms and through the shade provided by overhanging trees. Stuart’s thoughts calmed as nature rather than urban clamour surrounded him. Eventually the road started to run parallel with a river. The slow steady speed meant there was time to admire the swans with their half-grown fluffy grey cygnets. Then the water disappeared and the verge was filled with smell of wild garlic. In the distance were the formal gardens of the local stately home. Stuart could just make out the shape of the lake and the clusters of ancient oaks.

He made a mental note to have another go at persuading Jayne back onto the bike. On these quiet roads she’d be able to find her cycling legs. And she’d enjoy the way fresh air generated an inner peace without any conscious effort to meditate or stand on your head or whatever mindfulness thing it was that Jayne swore by.

“Hare! To the right.” The call rippled through the group and Stuart caught sight of a giant-sized rabbit lolloping across a field. At first it seemed intent on a destination in the far corner and then it swerved to retrace its path before changing course again and disappearing beneath a hedge. Stuart wondered at the creature’s apparent indecision. He’d thought humans were the only ones unable to steer a direct course towards what was best for them.

At the end of the ride, Mike said that he’d tell Mavis her bike was being put to good use.

“How will you do that?”

“Her presence is still in the house. I feel it.”

“Like a ghost?”

“No. Just a presence. I can talk to her. Ask her advice.” Mike’s eyes dropped to his handlebars. “Now I sound like a madman.”

“No, you don’t. I still talk to my sister and she’s been dead fifty-five years.”

Mike lifted his head and met Stuart’s gaze with a smile. “Mavis helped me sort out the programmes on the washing machine and I swear she reminds me about our children’s birthdays.”

“Sandra is intent on mapping out my future. But she doesn’t always get hold of the right end of the stick.”

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