Page 83 of Waiting for a Bright New Future

“I . . . I’m really sorry to hear that.” What were the right words? What would he have liked people to say or do when his father died? “Shall I come over? Do you have someone with you?”

“Thanks, but everything’s under control.”

“You’ll let me know about the funeral?”

“Yes. I’d better go, more people to phone.”

Jayne and Lillian ate the lion’s share of the tea. Stuart sat between them as they watched a re-run of the originalCharlie and the Chocolate Factory. Lillian occasionally gave his hand a squeeze. Jayne appeared not to register that he was upset and focused completely on the film.

“I wonder what’s happened to all thoseOompa Loompas?” she said.

“Dead, probably.” If it hadn’t been Boxing Day he’d have gone home and set up his cycle turbo trainer in the garage. He needed to do something to work through the stress that had been building in him all day. “Shall we go for a walk?”

“It’s dark.” Both women looked at him as though he’d suggested a trip to the moon.

“I’m sorry. I’m a bit uptight. I need to do something. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

He cycled, stationary in the garage with the door open so he’d know immediately when Florence returned. When the orange Panda finally crunched over the gravel, it felt like a weight had been lifted. He showered, helped get the children to bed and then he told Florence about William. She put a hand on his back while he had a little cry.

“I’ve got it out of proportion, I know. It was only work but he was, well, a friend.”

“You’ve seen him three times a day for months. You’re entitled to be upset.”

“I feel guilty.”

“It wasn’t your fault he wouldn’t see a doctor.”

“Not just that.” Stuart blew his nose and looked Florence in the eye. “I didn’t cry properly when Dad died. It’s like William meant more to me than Dad.”

Florence held his shoulders. “Grief isn’t logical, Stuart. Crying doesn’t mean you’re grieving more. It just means you’re grieving differently.”

Stuart took some breaths and managed a smile. “Thanks.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes and then Florence described how the stay at Jim’s had gone better than expected, considering their marital differences.

“There was just one embarrassing thing. The kids kept chasing us with that dratted plastic mistletoe. Jim seemed to quite like it but I had to keep dodging out of the way. Didn’t want any of them getting the idea that reconciliation was a possibility.”

Stuart went to bed feeling that there were still some positives in life.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Before Christmas, Stuart had arranged for another of Veronica’s carers to do William’s breakfast visit the first Sunday in January. As things had turned out, there’d been no need. Stuart lay in bed, waiting for the alarm to go off and thinking about the old man. William would’ve been keen for him to be successful leading his first group ride. Jayne didn’t seem to grasp its importance or understand his need to take on new challenges like this.

“Why do you create all this stress and aggravation for yourself when we could just have a quiet morning at home together?” she’d said when he’d expressed his anxiety.

He tried to explain about building a bright new future but she looked as puzzled as if he’d just said he was going to shape-shift into a unicorn.

The previous evening he’d checked his bike over and made sure he’d got his phone and water bottle ready, plus tools in case anyone was unprepared for a puncture or other minor mishap. Now he got out of bed slowly and took deep breaths, trying to relax away the nerves. It didn’t work — they decided to sit in a hard ball in his stomach. Breakfast was difficult to eat but in a couple of hours he’d be glad of the energy.

The turnout was good and he shouted for order over the melange of New Year greetings and Christmas news. After a couple of attempts at raising his voice, everyone got the message that it was time to depart. Most of the other leaders on the rota downloaded their routes onto GPS devices, which then conveniently sat on their handlebars. Stuart didn’t yet have the finances and was forced to work the old-fashioned way with a map in a plastic case. The traffic was light with few people out yet — they were still within the Christmas holiday period — and the group made good progress. He was grateful to Jennifer for offering to be a backstop in case he didn’t notice anyone failing to keep up with the speed. As they stopped at each junction he glanced backwards and was rewarded with her wave. At the top of all hills, he waited for the stragglers. It also gave him time to take in the views. The height made him feel on top of the world as he looked down on miniature farms, toy trains and a patchwork of fields still in their winter slumber. It put his ‘problems’ into perspective — in the grand scheme of things he was just a very tiny cog.

“You’re doing good,” Jennifer whispered as they queued for coffee and slabs of Christmas cake in the café at the mid-point. “But the hard bit is yet to come.”

“What?” Stuart went cold, trying to think what he might have forgotten.

Jennifer laughed. “Getting everybody out of the warmth back into that chilly wind!”

Then Mike sat next to him. Stuart tried to think up a new excuse why Jayne wasn’t cycling and wondered if he should offer to give the bike back. Despite his best efforts, it was obvious that his fiancée had no interest in travelling on two wheels. But before Mike could speak there was a tap on Stuart’s shoulder and he was plunged into answering questions about the route home. From the corner of his eye, he saw Mike’s frown and resolved to return Mavis’s bike. He didn’t like the responsibility for giving it a loving home and generating glowing reports about its use and wellbeing. It was a generous gift but had too many strings attached and Stuart risked tangling them. He’d talk to Mike about returning it. But not today. Today he had to keep all the balls in the air until the ride was safely over.

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