Page 118 of Past the Broken Bridges

He’s here in fifteen minutes, pulling me into his arms as soon as he sees me tucked against the tree like a little girl separated from her family.

And in the moment, I am.

I feel lost.

And hopeless.

And empty.

“It’s not fair,” I cry into his shirt, soaking the button-up that he’ll have to change.

He doesn’t need to ask what. Life. Life isn’t fair.Thisisn’t. The pain. The circumstances. It all weighs on me little by little, building until the crushing weight caves in.

“I know, baby girl. I know.”

“All I wanted was to be happy.”

He wipes my face, his own eyes growing glassy as he watches the walls I built come crumbling down around me. “Tell me about it.”

So I do.

I tell him everything because I know he would never judge me. Every detail I’ve withheld from the people I’ve grown attached to. Every relationship that has developed since January. Every secret I’ve held onto for my own benefit, finally releasing some of the tension coiled around my heart. I tell him about what a bad friend I am to Dixie and how much I like Banks even though I don’t know his first name. I tell him about the classes I’m barely passing and how itchy my wigs are and how tired I am all the time.

It all comes out as if there’s nothing holding it back. Every tiny inconvenience bubbles past my quivering lips, begging to be heard after months of suppression.

And when it’s all out in the open in the quiet of his car, my father wraps me up in the throw blanket he brought me and pulls me into his side. “I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you. I would trade places in a heartbeat if it were allowed. Life will never be easy, no matter who you are or what you’re going through. But you know what? You’ve always wanted to be like everybody else. The girl with friends and boy problems, even if the latter kills me a little inside. So I’d say you’re finally doing it, kiddo.”

I blink up at him, his image blurry as I wrap the blanket tighter around me. “It hurts this bad?”

He pecks the top of my head. “Sometimes.” His voice is raw, raspy as though he’s trying his hardest to fight his own tears. “I suppose that’s how you know you’re truly living. When you find things that you love, it’s not always easy letting them go because they become a part of you. Your mother and I, all of us, have wanted nothing more than for you to experience that.”

If I knew this is what it felt like, I wouldn’t have wished for it at all. “What do I do, Dad?”

He strokes my arm, the friction keeping me warm against him. “You need to be honest. Not only with your friends, but with yourself.”

Be honest.

Such simple advice, but it’s not simple at all.

“They’re going to hate me.”

“No, they won’t. Nobody ever could.”

Another set of tears begins flowing, but these are silent. It’s only when my father can feel them against his shirt that he tries comforting me. “It’s going to be okay, Sawyer.” His arm tightens around me as he loosens a sigh. “It’s going to be fine.”

I’m not entirely sure who he’s talking to.

Himself or me.

And when he drives me home after buying me something to eat, I feel ten times worse that Banks doesn’t have a father as good as mine.

* * *

When the elevator doors slide open to the third floor of Julian T. White Hall, I stand taller and take a deep breath. My confidence has wavered since I made the decision to comehere after a sleepless night once my father left, but it’s not going to stop me from coming here to say what I need to.

After giving up on sleep at almost four in the morning, I did some research on the college faculty website and found the office belonging to one Terry Banks. I debated my options, weighing them carefully because I didn’t want to make matters worse for the boy across the hall, who dropped off his usual treat for me in front of my door before his first class of the day.

I couldn’t face him knowing what I was going to do because I had a feeling he’d talk me out of it. Maybe for good reason, but I’d like to think reason was out the door the second I read between the lines after seeing what his father had done to him.

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