Page 104 of Past the Broken Bridges

Her blush deepens as she withdraws her hand apologetically, but I capture it and put it back, squeezing our hands until another sound rumbles from my chest from the sensation we create.

Sawyer’s eyes lock on the way I move our palms, helping her set a pace as she pumps me. When I twitch, pulsing in her hold, a spark grows in her eyes that does me in.

Suddenly, my mouth is on hers, earning me another startled gasp as I move her backward until she’s splayed out beneath me. One of my knees knocks into hers, guiding her to spread her legs until I’m between them.

In the back of my mind, I hear that word.

Selfish.

Then I hear another.

Enabler.

They repeat, taunting, haunting, leaving me desperate to push them away. Maybe if I stopped focusing on them and paid attention to Sawyer instead, on the moment my conscience was taking from me, I would have known something was wrong. Could have tried harder to be the man that the soft, mysterious girl under me deserves.

Instead, she gets the shell of me that struggles to put myself back in the moment.

The version of me who enters her to feel and kisses her to distract and touches her so the demons can’t touch me. I take no heed of her tight grip around my neck when I see the pleasure written across her face, and I lose myself in her warmth.

I see stars as I repeat the movement, feeling her around me, absorbing every sensation.

Again.

Again.

Again.

I kiss her throat, her jaw, her mouth, quieting the noises she makes every time I thrust forward, the subtle creak of the couch bringing me closer and closer to the brink.

I comfort her with soft murmurs, relax her with eased touches, stroke her with confidence as her muscles loosen and tighten around me all at once.

Her hands explore my back, shooting shock waves of familiarity down my spine. Every inch of skin she touches leaves a path of flames permanently scorched into my skin like a brand.

My heart races to a beat of a new drum that syncs with the heartbeat against me, and when I look down at the girl beneath me, something sparks inside my chest when we lock eyes.

I’ve definitely had moments when sex was a means to an end, an escape that I used to get in, get off, and get out. And despite how hard I tried fighting the demons off to let myself be here with her, I become consumed by them instead. They poke at me like a roaring in my blood that sends my heart racing as my body loses control entirely around her, in her. I bury my face in the crook of her neck as I stiffen and give her everything I have. Every tense moment, every argument, every raw emotion that was building and boiling over releases the moment I do, my demons going with them.

And for the first time in a long time, there’s nothing but an overwhelming sense of calmness taking over.

She did that for me.

If there’s one time since I was kid where I’ve felt at peace with someone, it’s now, lying on her, kissing her, caressing her soft, dewy skin.

My forehead leans against the crook of her neck, my hand stroking her upper thigh still wrapped around me until I peel myself up and pull out. She flinches, her eyes glassy as they briefly meet mine before looking away.

When I take the condom off, I notice the smear of red on the latex. My eyes move to her thighs, where I see other streaks of blood.

She closes her legs, sitting up and using one of the couch pillows to cover herself. I stare at the blood, then her flushed cheeks, and the way she evades my eyes. “I…I’ve…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I whisper. I wasn’t as gentle as I could have been. There are red marks on her arms and thighs from my fingers that I pray don’t bruise.

I was too consumed by my own problems to even realize I was hurting her all for that peace I chased.

Selfish.

Sawyer quickly collects her clothes. “Does it matter? I’ve only done it once before, and that barely counted.”

She’s embarrassed.

---