Page 5 of Against the Current

The banker looked uncomfortable. Ryan thought,Good. Feel how uncomfortable this is for us. Feel it!

But the banker couldn’t do anything. Finally, Trisha pressed out her hand for the banker to shake. He did, looking smileyand grateful and probably ready to meet with the next couple of suckers he could say no to.

All in a day's work, Ryan thought darkly.

Outside, Chicago had decided it was time to snow. Fat snowflakes landed on their heads and melted, but neither Trisha nor Ryan did anything about it, choosing instead to keep their necks bent and their eyes on the slush on the pavement. Ryan felt heartbroken. But he also wasn’t surprised. Trisha had been so sure that a bank would sweep them off their feet and change their lives. But who were they kidding?

They hadn’t yet said anything to each other. The silence between them was deafening. Ryan realized that Trisha was headed toward her red Chevy; she was going to leave him in the parking lot without saying goodbye. Somehow, this broke his heart most of all—the idea that they couldn’t pretend whatsoever with each other anymore. He reached out to touch her elbow. Trisha nearly jumped out of her skin. But she looked at him.

“Hey. We’re going to figure something out,” he said. He sounded pathetic. But he wanted to believe it.

Trisha’s stoic expression melted for a split second.

And then their phones vibrated in their pockets at the same time.

It was a text from the school.

Can one of you come by to pick up Willa? She’s having a hard time.

Ryan and Trisha braced for the worst.

“Should we drive together?” Ryan asked.

But Trisha was already running across the parking lot, flinging up brown snow with each step.

Ryan drove behind Trisha to Willa’s school. Trisha nearly ran three red lights on the way. Ryan muttered to himself, “Come on, Trisha. Keep your head in the game.” But he couldn’t blame her. When Willa got in one of her moods, all bets were off. The next few hours would probably be brutal. Gavin and Rudy would probably hide upstairs and play video games and try to block out the sounds of their sister downstairs and their mother and father trying to wade through the depths of despair with her.

Ryan couldn’t get a parking spot next to his wife. He struggled, weaving through the lot until he found a place in the back. By the time he got to the office, Trisha already had her arms around Willa. Willa was shaking and crying—but she was quiet. Ryan breathed a sigh of relief and put an arm around Willa. Willa raised her head and put it on Ryan’s shoulder. Out of nowhere came the thought,I would move mountains for you. For both of you.

The counselor explained that Willa had had a minor incident in the lunch room that had resulted in “some bullying.” Ryan wanted to storm the halls of the school and yell at every student in it. But the kids who’d done the bullying were just that—kids. Would he have been better at ten years old? He didn’t know.

Ryan carried Willa’s backpack to Trisha’s car and helped her in. Trisha was trying not to cry. She was buttering Willa up, telling her they could get her favorite food for dinner. Ryan fought the urge to ask with what money were we going to get that, Trisha? He kissed his daughter on the crown of her head and thought two things at once.Don’t ever grow up, and please, grow up into a normal woman. He felt like the most confused man in the world.

Back at home, Willa conked out on the sofa and left Ryan and Trisha to tiptoe around her. Because of Ryan’s lackluster career prospects the previous few years, they’d downgraded to a smaller house in a run-down neighborhood last year, tellingthemselves it was only temporary. Trisha had done her best to make it seem homey. She’d hung photographs of days gone by. She’d baked plenty of cookies. She’d tried. Had Ryan tried to help?

With Willa asleep and Trisha doing a workout video upstairs, Ryan slung on a sweatshirt and sweatpants and cracked a beer and sat at the kitchen table. It was only two forty-five in the afternoon, but he needed this sweet release. The snow got thicker outside, piling on the back porch. It made him miss the way snow used to come down in Nantucket, how the beaches were blanketed in it, and the ocean would froth against it. He filled his mouth with beer and closed his eyes, remembering the Sutton Estate and the wide stretch of beach wrapped around a craggy peninsula, where he and his sister, Robin, used to perform cannonballs for his mother and grandmother. Dana. Grandma Dana. Not for the first time, he thought it was better that Grandma Dana had never met Willa. That woman had never been easy.

But now he recalled what Grandma Dana had told him on his wedding day. It had been just ten minutes before the ceremony was set to begin. Ryan was all jitters, checking his reflection in the Sutton Estate foyer mirror, fearful that he’d marry the love of his life with spinach in his teeth. Suddenly, there was a bony hand at his elbow. He turned to find the beautiful and glossy face of his grandma Dana. Her teeth were always pristine. She always smelled so specifically of floral perfume—lilies, maybe.

“Ryan? Honey?” Grandma Dana said it so sweetly.

Ryan never could have imagined what she’d say next.

“I’m excited,” Ryan said. “I’m afraid I’m going to faint.”

“You look handsome,” Grandma Dana said.

Ryan smiled with his lips far apart to show off his teeth. “Anything there?”

Grandma Dana laughed. “Clean and white.”

Ryan spread his hand over his forehead and laughed at himself. “Thank goodness.”

But Grandma Dana still wore a peculiar smile. “Ryan, I just hope you won’t do anything you’ll regret.”

Ryan’s smile faltered. For a split second, he thought maybe he’d misheard her. But as he considered how to respond to such a ludicrous sentiment (because he loved Trisha with his whole heart and mind and soul), the wedding planner bustled up and grabbed his shoulder and said, “It’s go time, groom!” He was whisked away, off to the aisle, to walk his mother to her seat and immediately marry the love of his life.

Throughout the rest of the wedding and reception, Ryan avoided his grandmother’s gaze. But she’d been watching him.

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