Page 37 of Against the Current

Anything was possible. Right?

Barb, one of Jackie’s friends, stood and waved. “Can’t wait to see your beautiful grandkids, Jackie!”

Jackie blushed. “I’m over the moon!”

Jackie sat down, feeling Trisha’s eyes upon her. Why was she so judgmental? Didn’t she understand what it was like for Jackie, getting to spend real time with her grandchildren for the first time?

Of course, Jackie would be remiss not to admit that Willa could be difficult. Jackie had read a few dozen blogs about autism, especially how it exhibited itself in girls, but even afterall that reading, handling Willa during one of her episodes was something different. Trisha knew how to handle her best, which made Jackie feel jealous and inefficient.

Rudy and Gavin were dream children. They reminded her of Ryan.

On Jackie’s darker days, she thought Willa reminded her of Trisha and Trisha alone.

The elementary school music program began at seven o’clock with the entire school—grades kindergarten through sixth grade. They sang the Massachusetts state song followed by “God Bless America.” With so many voices mixing, it was difficult to hear just how off-key so many of them were. Jackie, Trisha, Ryan, and Josh gave standing ovations after, and Jackie tried her hardest to make herself seen by both Rudy and Willa. But soon, they were ushered off stage so that the rest of the smaller performances could take place.

Rudy’s class went third. Small for his age, Rudy stood in the front row and shook his hips with the others, singing an Elvis song that made everyone in the audience laugh.

At the end of the song, Jackie turned to make eye contact with a friend of hers and mouthed, “That’s one of mine! The little, cute one!”

Her friend raised her thumb and smiled. “He’s adorable!” she mouthed back.

Not long after that, Willa’s class came to the stage to sing “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac. As they began, Jackie was reminded of her wedding day, when she and her father danced to “Landslide,” and her mother made it known that she didn’t approve. Her eyes filled with tears.

But halfway through the song, something happened, and Willa panicked. Maybe it was the heat of the lights or the hundreds of eyes looking up at her. But it seemed as though she needed to get off stage immediately. She heaved herself from thesmall bleachers and stumbled toward the edge of the stage. A few of the kids stopped singing to laugh at her. There were gasps in the audience. Jackie couldn’t breathe.

Already, Trisha had heaved herself on stage and taken her daughter by the hand. Bent over and talking quietly, she led her off the stage, ready to make things right again. Ryan hurried out of the audience to meet them backstage. The song continued as though nothing had happened. But when it was over, Jackie put her face in her hands. She realized she was mortified. She hated herself for that.

She hated her next thought.Why can’t she be normal?

Oh, what was wrong with Jackie? Was she just as cruel as her own mother?

After the production, Jackie and Josh hung around in the foyer with Gavin, waiting for Ryan, Trisha, Rudy, and Willa to come out. Gavin looked vaguely bored, but Josh soon roused him with a conversation about baseball, leaving Jackie to her own devices. Everything was easy for Josh, especially bonding with those he loved. A few of Jackie’s friends came over to congratulate her, but in their eyes, Jackie could see their pity for her and her “broken” granddaughter, and she wished she hadn’t invited them.

“We’ll catch up this week, right?” a friend said before she disappeared into the March winds.

“Sure thing,” Jackie lied.

Very soon, Trisha came out, holding Willa’s hand. Her eyes were steely.

“Hi, honey!” Jackie said to Willa, her voice overly bright. “You were wonderful.”

Trisha gave Jackie a look that meant she didn’t believe her. Not for a second.

Willa kicked out her foot. “Can we go home?”

“Why don’t we pick up ice cream on the way?” Jackie suggested.

Ryan and Rudy came up behind Trisha and Willa. Rudy looked about five minutes away from falling asleep.

“Why don’t you guys head to the car?” Trisha suggested to her children, her eyes still focused on Jackie.

“What about ice cream?” Gavin asked.

“We’ll talk about it,” Trisha said.

Ryan hung back for a second, then followed his children outside. He took Willa’s hand and bent down to tell her a joke that made her throw her head back and say, “Stop, Daaaaad.”

Josh hung somewhere between, looking at Jackie and Trisha with fear in his eyes.

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