Page 19 of Against the Current

Jackie took a breath. Ryan knew she wasn’t in her right mind.

He tried to forgive her immediately. But his rage felt insurmountable.

“Mom,” he muttered, at a loss. “I’m just so sorry.” But saying this added still more fuel to his anger. Immediately, he felt shattered again. He felt as though he’d run a thousand miles through a desert. His mother gasped for breath.

Ryan asked, “Should I come over?” The question surprised him. He knew he couldn’t leave Trisha, not tonight.

He felt lost. Confused. Like a child rather than a man who’d just married his love.

“Oh, honey. No. Go to bed.” Jackie paused. “I love you.”

She hung up.

Ryan limped to their bedroom and splayed himself across the mattress. It took ages for Trisha to join him, wearing a towel wrapped tightly around her frame. She smelled of the same soap they always used, but everything else had changed. When she lay down, she curled away from him and showed him her back. Ryan wanted to touch her; he wanted to hold her close. But there was a divide between them.

Over the next several days, Ryan’s confusion grew more textured and strange. Because he was supposed to be off work for his honeymoon anyway, he threw himself into assisting his family with his grandfather’s funeral, going through his grandfather’s clothes, and talking to his grandmother about all her favorite stories. Dana was too proud to break down again, but there were shadows beneath her eyes and a ragged nature to her voice. Itwas difficult to reckon with the fact that his grandmother might never be the same again because she’d lost her life partner.

Will I feel that way if Trisha goes first?Ryan thought late one night as he drove back to their apartment.

Because of their “postponed” honeymoon, Trisha had taken additional shifts at the restaurant bar near the harbor. She looked as though she’d aged about five years since the wedding. She got home around ten thirty, said hello to Ryan without kissing him, and got immediately into the shower to wash the grease off. When she emerged, she wore one of Ryan’s big T-shirts and lay on the carpet in front of the sofa, watching television.

It was hard to believe they were supposed to be in Hawaii right now. In another reality, Ryan imagined them swimming through turquoise waters, seeing turtles swimming around underneath. He imagined them kissing and laughing on a California king. He imagined pink-and-purple sunsets with matching pink-and-purple cocktails.

It was hard to believe they’d ever have that honeymoon—not now that it had been taken away from them. Not now that Trisha knew exactly what Ryan’s mother and grandmother thought about her.

Later that night, as Trisha and Ryan got ready for bed, Ryan dared to ask, “Are you coming to the funeral tomorrow?”

Trisha looked startled. “What do you mean?”

Ryan sat on the bed, realizing he’d made a mistake. But what was it?

“Are you really asking me—your wife—if I’m coming to your grandfather’s funeral?”

Ryan bit his tongue and hung his head. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to assume.”

“Assume that I was your wife? Or assume I cared about your grandfather?”

Ryan flared his nostrils and got under the covers. After a very long time, Trisha got into bed, too. They remained side by side, staring into the darkness until Ryan dared to say, “I married you, you know. I married you because I love you. That didn’t go away.”

Trisha sighed and rolled over.

Ryan didn’t know what to say.

The following afternoon was his grandpa Jeremy’s funeral. Hours before it was set to begin, Ryan showered and dressed in a suit and met his mother and sister at the Sutton Estate. Trisha had agreed to work the lunch rush at the restaurant and head to the funeral afterward. Ryan decided not to share this information with his family and instead said, “Trisha got held up, but she’ll be here in time.”

Nobody seemed to care.

In fact, his grandma Dana said, “Oh? She’s coming after all?” as though everyone had assumed Trisha wouldn’t show her face.

“She’s my wife. She’s a part of this family,” Ryan said, looking his grandmother in the eye.

Dana’s gaze was steely. It seemed to ask,Are you really going to mess with me?

Jackie left the room and returned with a platter of sandwiches. “I want everyone to eat before we go,” she ordered.

Ryan’s father, Josh, grabbed two sandwiches and ate them in rapid succession. It looked a lot like stress-eating to Ryan. Ryan nibbled at the edge of his ham and cheese and listened as his mother talked logistics. In the next room, Robin was crying quietly to her husband. Ryan got up and intercepted Robin, hoping she could lend her insight into his Trisha situation. When they reached his grandfather’s old study, Ryan closed the door and crossed his arms.

“What is this about?” Robin asked, sniffling.

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