Page 28 of Maid in America

“Those are yours now. Lean protein. It’ll help you stop looking like a soft, pissed-off-looking little incel.”

“What the fuck?!” Anthony groaned.

Barrett dug a fork into the sugary confection and lifted a bite of French toast to his mouth. His shoulders slunk at the orgasmic taste of dough and powdered sugar on his tongue. “You wanna pull quality ass, you gotta work on that body.”

Glancing down, Anthony frowned. “Chicks like dad-bods!”

“You’re adeadbeatdad atbestright now. No kids, no dad-bod. Now, how much money you got?”

“Some. Not a lot. Why?”

“You’ve got a mortgage with one income, and now you’ll have to pay for dates and a new wardrobe.”

“My wardrobe is fine.”

“No. You have work clothes and whatever this monstrosity is.” Charlotte gestured to him. “Women don’t want a guy dressed like the Unabomber, douche-bag.Yougotta care beforetheycare.”

“You got away with that shit because you were married. Now you need date clothes. After this, we’ll go shopping.” Barrett pointed toward the door with his syrup-covered fork.

“I hate clothes shopping.”

“I can tell,” Charlotte said, jabbing her fork at his hoodie. “Tough shit. Linda’s in the dust. Ain’t nobody gonna dress you now.”

Anthony stared at the French toast that was supposed to be his. “I know what you two are doing. You’re just trying to scare me into going back.”

“Not at all,” Barrett lied, giving him his best smile. “I’m happy to have a wing-man again. It’ll be great. Now, let’s talk sex. What’s your favorite position?”

“Oh God.” Charlotte dropped her spoon in her bowl with a sharpclink.

“All of them.” Anthony shrugged.

“Women like decisive men. Men in control. Men who know what they want. Now come on, favorite position?”

“Woman on top?” It was more of a question than an answer.

“Ugh. I’m gonna be sick,” Charlotte joked, puffing out her cheeks like she was about to vomit. “I could have gone my whole life without knowing that.”

“Well, saddle up, pardner, that’s not your favorite anymore,” Barrett said confidently.

“What? Why?”

“That’s a lazy man’s position. If you wanna blow a girl’s mind, it’s not gonna be from below. Sure, it’s fun for you. But it’s not memorable for her. It’s not something that will make anyone come back for more. At that point, she could just get a suction-cup dildo and call it a day without all the headache and cleanup.”

“They make those?” Anthony asked seriously.

Charlotte choked on a mouthful of coffee and quickly started snatching the napkins from the dispenser, covering her lips.

“Jesus Christ. You know what… let’s work on your pick-up lines.” Barrett scooted the plate away and leaned his chin on his knuckles. Batting his eyelashes, he widened his eyes and pretended to flip long, imaginary hair over his shoulder. “I’m a beautiful woman at a bar. Go ahead. Show me what you got.”

Anthony’s cheeks flushed red, and his eyes darted back and forth between Barrett and his sister. “Oh, come on. Char is right there.”

“You don’t think women are gonna have friends around? Or other guys trying to pick them up? You’ll have to learn to do this with an audience, bud. Go ahead. Lay it on me. Show me the magic.”

“Um… excuse me… Miss…”

Barrett loudly made the noise of a game show’s incorrect answer buzzer.

“What was that?!”

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