Page 72 of Maid in America

Chastity shifted herself up to the edge of the trunk, wiggling her feet restlessly above the dirt.

After a moment, Barrett spoke again. “Ever since you told me about the diagnosis, I’ve been thinking a lot about it. Aboutyou. And about my high school friend. I wondered for alongtime if I could’ve done or said something to save him. I tried to put myself in Alan’s shoes to understand why he thought it was the right decision to leave this world, and I just… couldn’t. I watched him wither up, mentally, afraid to seek any help, afraid to take any meds. He let it define him.”

Barrett sighed long and deep.

“He didn’thavethe disorder. It hadhim.”

Chastity’s voice was small. “I’m sorry… about your friend.”

“It honestly broke my heart. He started isolating himself and self-medicating with drugs. One night, he just… took too much. Wanted to take it all away, I suppose. Wanted to stop it all. The goodandthe bad.”

Chastity’s tears suddenly emerged again. “You know it wasn’t your job to save him, right? You couldn’t control how he handled it.”

“I know.” He shifted forward, lifting her colorful hair and kissing the back of her neck. In between kisses, he spoke. “I just don’t ever want to see you go down the same path.”

She nodded.

“I shouldn’t be giving you life advice, though. I’m a fucking mess myself.”

She snickered through the tears. He slid his legs around her and massaged her shoulders. She moaned, leaning back into his body.

“I’m a grown-ass man who wears Halloween costumes for a living. I don’t know what I’m doing. I have no idea where I am going or what I want, except forthis…right now.”

He stared past her at the sun as it nestled behind the steep mountains. “I live in a pig sty, and I get into dumb bar fights. I’m just a fuckin’ mess.”

Barrett reached behind him and unzipped an insulated bag, pulling a plastic-wrapped sub out and placing it in her hands.

“Awww, you made me a sandwich?” she asked.

He laughed. “Hell no.I’m a terrible cook, too. I like you too much to put you through that. This is from the deli by my place. Best sandwiches in Jackson. I got you what I normally order. Hope that’s alright.”

Grasping the delicately wrapped sandwich, she nodded, offering him a broad smile. “Thank you.”

Chastity took a bite and was pleasantly surprised at the delicate, airy ciabatta bread encasing fresh veggies, turkey, provolone, and a white sauce she couldn’t place.

“Damn, that’s good. What the hell is this sauce? I want agallonof it.”

“It’s good, right?”

She nodded with her mouth full. Once she swallowed, she spoke. “I’m a damned mess, too. I loathe dishes. I’m always dying my hair. I need a lot of attention, as terrible as that sounds. I don’t vote. I smoke weed sometimes to help me sleep when I’m amped up. I cry, obviously. Sometimes, a lot. Sometimes, for seemingly no reason, have since I was a kid.”

“I like you.” He twisted a finger around one of her loose curls and nuzzled the shell of her ear with his nose. “Tears and all.”

He kissed her neck again, lips and tongue stroking the delicate skin there. He breathed her in. “I can still smell just the faintest hint of your jasmine perfume on my pillow.”

“Eww,” she joked quietly, “you neverwashedit?”

“The rest of the bedding, yes. The pillow, no. It’s all I had left of you.”

He gently stroked the bare flesh of her shoulder with his thumb. “I think about that night all the time.”

Chastity cleared her throat, her voice coming out more hushed than before. “I do, too.”

Hope effervesced deep in his chest, making him feel impossibly light. She was like a missing piece of the puzzle within him, a feeling that struck him with equal parts joy and terror.

“I keep having dreams that I’m in the rainforest, hopelessly lost, and all of a sudden, I peel back these leaves, looking for a path, and I see it there… this bright, blue orchid, growing out from between the cracks of a rock wall. This beautiful thing is just there… thriving, rooted in such an inhospitable place. And then I wake up, and I realize it’s your tattoo. But more than that, it’syou, this rare and delicate thing, splitting rock, laughing in the face of adversity.”

Chastity couldn’t find the words to reply.

---